all of a sudden I miss everyone.

I thought I was done with this blog, I told myself to just move on, that I had nothing left to say, but even though I still feel like nothing more than a broken record I have found my way back to these pages. I thought maybe I could get it together, turn my life around and make everyone proud, But I think I may have been so worried about what everyone else thought, that I forgot about me.

So here I am, sinking beneath the weight of what will almost be the 2 year anniversary of a day that I feel has forever destroyed me.

I tried to get it right, I got out of bed, I left my house, I got myself a job, I met a boy and for a moment I thought I could let down my walls, be the person I was when Monique was still alive, find the good in me that she knew dwelled between my anger. For a moment I thought I could get right, then the cold hand of reality slapped me in the face, but not instantly, oh no. It's one of those slow motion slaps that is actually still going........ and I'm waiting for the finale of it all.

farwell.

It's been almost 2 years and there is nothing to be said, that hasn't been said before.

it all sounds the same.

I go to bed, I miss her.
I wake up, I miss her.
I wash wash my face, I miss her.
I put on my makeup, I miss her.
I go to work, I miss her.
I take the bus, I miss her.
I listen to music, I miss her.
I spend paychecks, I miss her.
I regret, I miss her
I drink wine, I miss her.
I smoke weed, I miss her.
I save whiskey bottles. I miss her





I'm tired, I miss her...

consummation of grief.

alone with everybody.

I don't know how much longer I can keep fooling myself into believing that all this booze I drink, and the tattoos Ive been saving for are making me happy.

I wake up everyday just wishing she was still here.

Chasing my damage.

I can't make it through a week of work without feeling completely defeated, I think that has a lot to do with my confidence in myself. Ive been feeling bummed about friendships, and lately Ive been really trying to fool myself into believing that I'm not lonely. My mind drifts off to Monique and all I can think about is what life would be like if she was still here...

But at the end of it all, I can at least say I have a job, and now I have been given my own department, Watch out Jewelry, handbags, suits/dress. I'm taking over. I really hope I can do as good as they seem to think I can.

nine years.

I was 15 the first time I experienced my first death of a loved one, He was my grandfather. My fathers father, a great man who loved his family with his whole heart and treated us granddaughters like queens. Those 9 years have since taken with them my Father, Grandmother and Sister. These 9 years have changed me, taken so much hope, and love and at times have left me feeling like nothing but a shell of what was once a person. Friends have come and gone, a Family that were once so tightly bonded has since completely turned against each other, Most of the time I feel like Ive completely lost all hope. But then I remember there love, and know that they are gone. But the love I have for them will always remain, and grow. I will continue to carry them with me, and though often I lose sight of everything and want to bury myself beneath my bed and make it my grave. I will continue to pick myself up, and hold on, Because I know that they have given me the kind of strength that will always remain with me