I didn't really lose you, I just lost it for awhile.

It's seems like I always fall back into my place of uncertainty, I think that I can make it, But sometimes that feels like a joke, one date can send me into mental overdrive and it feels like my heart is being ripped out all over again, a year and a half...... I know I have done pretty decent for what Ive been through, but I want so much to be better, to fee like I actually have something to offer everyone, but I don't feel I do and that always leaves me feeling like a failure. I wish I could be the daughter my moms deserves, the friend that all my friends deserves, a sister my brother wouldn't want to hurt, and that girl that the boy I like could actually be around without a group of friends and some substance to make it okay.

on my last visit to the cemetery I laid on the grass and thought of Monique laying there with me, and I spoke softly "I love you Mo, and I'm sorry" I have never been to good with just talking to her now that she's gone, but lately writing her is even a challenge, I wish I could really know that my words are reaching her.

I still wonder if it will ever get easier, if time will ever really heal this, so far I'm defeated, but still hopeful.

your hand in mine

I haven't been sleeping well, it's like my mind is on constant overdrive. I don't know what it will take to shut it off, or just make it slow down so I can get some rest.

I wish I could actually type what I was feeling, but lately I can't even do that.

Maybe I'll find my way back here with some real emotions soon, who knows?

I'm tired

can't sleep, anxiety, stress, bad dreams.

I wish I could just make it all stop for awhile.

Bring me your love

Ive lost my way, again. My body aches and I feel like I'm losing that little hope that I was determined to not lose grip of, The past few nights Ive been dreaming of Monique, I wake up feeling defeated and spending hours trying to fall back asleep in hopes to find her again, or I just lie in bed trying to my best to remember every second we spent together in the land of my sleep, "Hey Amber I have to tell you something, but you can't tell anyone" my response was to simply hold out my pinky, and the second we locked our promise I woke up, I rolled over, put on my glasses and looked at her photo, and just thought, why did you abandon me?