It's seems like I always fall back into my place of uncertainty, I think that I can make it, But sometimes that feels like a joke, one date can send me into mental overdrive and it feels like my heart is being ripped out all over again, a year and a half...... I know I have done pretty decent for what Ive been through, but I want so much to be better, to fee like I actually have something to offer everyone, but I don't feel I do and that always leaves me feeling like a failure. I wish I could be the daughter my moms deserves, the friend that all my friends deserves, a sister my brother wouldn't want to hurt, and that girl that the boy I like could actually be around without a group of friends and some substance to make it okay.
on my last visit to the cemetery I laid on the grass and thought of Monique laying there with me, and I spoke softly "I love you Mo, and I'm sorry" I have never been to good with just talking to her now that she's gone, but lately writing her is even a challenge, I wish I could really know that my words are reaching her.
I still wonder if it will ever get easier, if time will ever really heal this, so far I'm defeated, but still hopeful.
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