our love to admire

I find myself awake at 4:05 am, going through old photo's that bring back a rush of good memories, leaving me to stare at one photo at a time, trying to remember the details, basking in Monique's smile, a smile I miss more than anything in the world, I was replaying old photobucket videos, I just wanted to hear her voice again.

not only do miss her, but I miss me too.

alone with everybody.

I don't feel much of a connection with my writing anymore, before it was such a release for me, I felt like I was lifting some weight from my heavy heart, but it almost feels like a chore now. I knew it wouldn't last, nothing ever does.

forget the night ahead.

change, some of us never will, some of us don't want to.

I've been angry lately, at people at life, at the entire world. Some of us just can't find the good in the word, we are to consumed by the bad, but I don't think it makes me a bad person. I just carry a lot more anger than others, and I have every right too.
I hope that one day, the anger and hate will subside, But I never expect it to go away entirely. I still know how to love and have love to give, just not as much as others.


maybe one day that will change, maybe it wont.

The life I have lived has made me the person I am today, Ive lost so much, so fast, so terribly, and I don't want to lose anymore.

December 24, 2008

It's hard to believe that 2 months after this photo was taken, her heart stopped beating, and was to weak to start again, it's hard to believe that her liver was failing, and we wouldn't know until 5 months later. Her face may not have a beaming smile on it, but she still shines, so beautifully.

I need to make something of myself, for her.

no use now.

Research on NON ALCOHOLIC STEATO HEPATITIS
symtoms:
1. Neurologic changes (Hepatic Encephalopathy)
1. Altered Level of Consciousness (Delirium, coma)
2. Decerebrate rigidity (with severe cerebral edema)
3. Personality change
2. Jaundice
3. Coagulopathy
4. Bleeding (e.g. Gastrointestinal Bleeding)
5. Acute Renal Failure (Hepatorenal Syndrome)
6. Hypoglycemia
7. Acute Pancreatitis
8. Cardiopulmonary failure
9. Ascites (due to Portal Hypertension)


tiredness, weight loss, and weakness may develop.

luid accumulation in the legs and abdomen, mental confusion, and jaundice, which may ultimately require liver

Altered consciousness is also a sign in patients with FHF. Mental changes occur within 2 weeks of the onset of jaundice in most patients. The patient may become somnolent and/or confused and may respond slowly to painful stimuli.

Causes:

1. Infectious Disease
1. Viral Hepatitis
1. Hepatitis A
2. Hepatitis B
3. Hepatitis C
4. Hepatitis D
2. Bacterial infection
3. Rickettsial infection
4. Parasitic infection
2. Toxic Hepatitis (drug or Hepatotoxin exposure)
3. Ischemia or shock
4. Budd-Chiari Syndrome
5. Idiopathic Chronic Active Hepatitis
6. Wilson's Disease (Acute)
7. Microvesicular Steatosis (Fat) Syndromes
1. Nonalcoholic Fatty Liver
2. Acute Fatty Liver of Pregnancy
3. Reye's Syndrome
infectious diseases, hepatotoxic drugs, toxins, metabolic diseases, and ischemia are the main causes of FHF

fuck.

I guess I forgot to keep my friends from falling off.

Here I am, alone and lonely.

don't get me wrong, I know I have a handful of friends, that will always be here for me, but I'm not doing my part anymore,maybe if I had a steady job I could go see Alicia and spend time with her, maybe if I wasn't so broke I could afford to actually treat Leigh to dinner for once. Maybe If I would have listened to Monique more and actually called my friends, I would be getting ready to go do something on this Friday night instead of sitting her filling this box with words, because I'm lonely.

If there is one thing I have succeeded at since Mo's passing, it is to successfully push people out of my life, So many have tried, people who didn't really know me, but wanted to, to try, to be a friend to me, But I decided to take the easy was out, and just push and push......... I guess I never really considered the end result.

maybe I should have.

Can you find love through a telescope?

Last night after spending time with two of my best friends, I realized my mind was still spinning with thoughts and such, so I pulled out my Journal and decided to put my pen to paper and write Monique, I know I can no longer find comfort in her company, all I have is a Journal now, and instead of having conversations with her, I write her letters, I will do this for the rest of my life, however long it may be.


today, my heart is feeling extra heavy, and I just want to hide under my covers.