It all sounds the same..

"I miss you, I love you, I want to spend time with you, It will get easier, time heals everything..."

Bullshit, Ive heard it all. So many empty promises.

I have so much respect for the friends that decided that there actions will speak louder than words, that have spent hours with me sitting in my house, wether I was crying or laughing at something funny we were watching, who have let me talk about Monique and who have sat on my bed and hugged me while I cried.

To the one's who have filled my life with empty promises, well, I wish you wouldnt have, and I also have this to say about some others, I know you will never forget Monique, now that she is gone, But why make me feel that you can forget me, while I'm still here?



Wednesday I visited the cemetery, and the grass has almost completely grown over the outline of the rectangle they cut in the ground to place her casket 6ft under, and again, I experienced a new pain.

I miss my sister, I miss my twin, I miss my best friend.

different day, same sadness.

well I filled this box up with everything that was overflowing my brain, and with the wrong press of a key all the words disappeared.

Ive been awake for 30+ hours and have no energy to re write anything so I will just leave it at this.

Today has been

good
sad
exhausting
overwhelming

................

I'm sorry Monique.

"Don't worry about me, just worry about getting yourself better.I love you"... Those were the last words I said to Monique, while I held her hand till they made me let go so they could send her off to the I.C.U. I watched them roll her into the unit and she waved at me and my mom.

Her biggest fear was dying in the same place our father died, I'm sorry Monique.

Lately I haven't been able to get that day out of my mind, going over all the details, all the what if's and things I wish I would have said. I'm sorry Monique.

I feel like I'm stuck in some fucked up nightmare, Today I fell asleep on the couch, and I'm no light sleeper, and all of a sudden I woke up, feeling wide awake, I just laid there calmly with my eyes open, facing the back of the coach. The sun was out and shining into the living room and it felt like a different day, suddenly I thought "maybe it really was just a fucked up nightmare" and I jumped up and realized that tiny itty bitty little hope I was trying to grasp to, was all shit, as I put on my glasses to see her memorial photo boards all around me.

"And that's when I figured out that tears couldn't make somebody who was dead alive again"

Tonight my mom made me broccoli cheese soup and biscuits, it was nice to have someone cook for me, my aunt came over and we all watched ace of cakes and just sat in the same room together.

later in the evening my mom and I were sitting in the living room together, watching tv, and I looked at my mom and told her how lonely the house feels now, how you can feel the lack of Monique's living breathing presence, she agreed and we both started to cry.


our life has such a void, one that will never be filled.

"But nothing, not getting angry, not prayers, and not tears, nothing can make something that happened unhappen." - the united states of leland

(I stiil get angry, I still cry and I still pray, even though I know it will never bring her back)

I miss my sister.

"feeling any better?"

My cousins wife asked me that the other day, she wanted to know if it still hurts as bad, basically.

My reaction was to laugh, I guess I find humor in thinking I will ever feel better.


these passing months have brought on a whole new world of pain, when I think about her and look at pictures, I am always reminded of the good time's and the love, and then I am reminded she is gone, and it feels like someone is trying to rip my heart out of my chest, I feel my heart stop and fight to beat again.

Ive never experienced a pain like this, It still takes my breath away and makes me dizzy.

I don't know how I'm still alive sometimes.

we always thought we would go together, we just assumed that's how it worked, because we could never comprehend life without each other.

I'm waiting.

I've failed at keeping a hand written journal.

But I visit My computer screen daily, so I fill this box with the thoughts in my head.


sometimes I write, but they are private letters to Monique, and when I'm writing them, I'm hoping she is sitting next to me, reading them, I wish she could write me back, I hate un-answered questions.

I think I write so I don't feel so alone with my thoughts, I know I can always talk to someone, but it's usually when my day is ending and I'm siting alone in the room we once shared, that my mind starts to race.I had a lovely dinner with some of the best people I know, but I always feel slightly disconnected, not just from them, but from the world.


My heart still stops for a second every time I remind myself she is gone.

we still keep the door closed of the room she slept in, while she was depressed. We just pretend it is a closet, the room holds the clothes that still have her sent.

our room, is not as painful, its full of all the good memories, and empty beer cans she left behind.

I'm sorry, Pinky promise.