I'm falling apart

I'm being left behind.

this is about her.

Tonight,I put my face on and left the house.

went to a birthday bash for Chantel, drank a little, danced a little.

Towards the end of the night I found a couch near were Alicia was sitting, some dude was chatting her up, asking about her tattoos and all that, he introduces himself to me, and asks me what my favorite tattoo is, I tell him the portrait of my sister. which was not showing.

He looks at me and says "oh your sister Monique?" yes, her, he knew who we were, not just us, her. I don't think he knows how much that meant to me. He was a stranger to me, we are not myspace or facebook friends, But he knew who she was.

I guess you have to be me, to really know how nice that was.

I kept repeating my self to Alicia on the way home, I told her how much I missed having someone to tell everything to when I got home, we were sitting against a wall at the party, talking about Monique. She said she wondered if people can see how empty she feels now, without her. We wonder if Mo knows how much she brought to our lives, how lost A.M.A feels, she will always be the M, but its a lot different now. I sat back and watched everyone dance, I saw the smiles on there faces, I miss being Happy.

But I will admit, a complete stranger knowing who my sister was, by name, It brought this little bit if joy to my heart, I hope she can see it, I hope she knows that complete strangers know who she is, I hope she knows people look up to her

I hope she knows that a lot of people are proud to have known Monique Marie Rosaz, and that some us, saw her without eyebrows and laid in bed with her, when she was down and out, made pinkie promises,tattooed her, bought her tigers yogurt and bought her Bukowski books, painted her pictures, wrote her letters, made her cd's, served her plates of chicken nuggets. enjoyed just being in the presence of her, She was simply amazing.

I'm very grateful to be apart of her, she is and always will be amazing. I am proud to share a face with someone who wasn't afraid to wear gold lame and get her hands tattooed at age 20, she lived the life she wanted. and although she had a lot of life left to live, she affected more peoples lives, than those who are still breathing this air.

God knows, your on my mind...

Sometimes I find myself looking at bottles of lotion, perfume and sticks of deodorant(we once shared) and wonder how they somehow managed to outlive a human being.

and I become angry with objects, angry that I'm left with all this stuff, and I dont have Monique to share it with.

I miss sharing with her.

M.M.R

I am browsing the Documents on our computer, they are all Monique's notes, songs, aim conversations, ideas, books, quotes, websites, tattoo ideas..

I can relive events, hear her voice and laugh.


I miss her, so much.

1958-2009

I stumbled onto Michael Jackson's Celebration of life, live on VH1 today.

I don't personally feel affected by his death, yes he was an Icon, he was musically very talented, I enjoy his music very much.

But my heart goes out to his real friends and family, because he was more than a superstar, He was a Father, son, brother and friend to many people who knew him for more than his musical hits.

I had a difficult time watching it, seeing his family, his friends, his casket, Knowing the pain of his children and siblings.

I got myself a new journal today, and feel the need to cut back on my online writing, and start keeping my words personal, between me and Monique.

...they will not give her back to me...

This photo was taken by Monique at a park in Monterey, about 5 years ago, It was a few months after our father died. The two of us sat at bench and talked, for hours. We sat there and remembered him, talked about all our regrets, fears, loves, sadness. She brought me so much comfort, so much love. I remember how much I enjoyed just sitting next to her, watching her taking photo's.

I have been surrounded by family for 5 days, I see my friends very often. I'm am very lucky for that, But the other night as I was laying in bed, I realized that it doesn't matter who, how many or how much love I have for the people I am constantly surrounded by. I still feel very lonely. The day before I came home I was at the warf with my mom, and we had a nice day, I sat at a table looking out at the ocean and hoped Monique could see it, wished she could feel the wind on her face, My mom and I were on our way back to the car and I sighed, wishing Monique was standing next to me, I was avoiding a certain area because of some guy preaching on the top of his lungs and yelling at people, then suddenly I heard some guy playing the guitar, and it caught my attention instantly. I stopped and realized he was singing a Manchester Orchestra song from there new album, and My eyes filled with tears and I got the chills, That was one of Mo's favorite bands, and I am always wondering if she would like there new album. I think I got my answer.

One of her favorite place, one of her favorite bands, Maybe she was standing next to me, I just didn't know it.

a little sleep and peace of silence.

I'm leaving for Salinas again in a few hours, this trip will be spent at my Nina's house, and my mom will be with me this time.She really needs to get away, she has barley begin to mourn the loss of her daughter, she keep's herself buried in work and everyone Else's problems.

I need some time with myself, I find these little get away's useful, because I feel so lost and disconnected from the world, and even more with myself.I have completely lost touch with ME, I feel like the ghost of a total stranger sometimes and that's terrifying. I want to look in the mirror and know who is looking back at me. I know this wont happen over night, or in 6 days, fuck maybe not even 6 years, but maybe one day.


I will always be missing so much of myself without the living breathing physical presence of Monique, nothing will change that, I just hope one day, I will feel like I really know the person that's left of me now.


Its been 4 months since you left me.