9 months without her.

Ive been filling this book with letters since March 9, 2009, the day she got lowered into the ground.



I miss you Monique.

8 months and 27 days.

I fear my need to make something of my life, will in some ways do me harm.

I have never dealt with death in a healthy manor, I just turn myself off, push my pain and grief way down, and pour beer, whiskey and wine on it to keep it in it's place. The only person who understood this was Monique, I'm afraid I will do it to her, push it down, in order to keep going, turn myself off to the loss of her, and go about my life, choking on the emotions I don't know what to do with. Because when this time of night hits, and everyone is asleep, I'm here awake, fighting it, trying to keep the pain at bay, pleading for it to not overcome me, and I sleep, and wake up and keep livin, keep lovin, keep breathin, But there are moments (usually filled with amount of that beer, whiskey and wine) were it turns on me, and I can't keep it down, I end up drowning myself in it. I break down, get messy and cry myself to sleep. (repeat)

I don't want to push her away, in order to keep livin.

and I'm scared.

whiskey.

somewhere it all went wrong, I should have stayed home....

I should have never even tried to be apart of his life. She's dead, I'm alive.


what's the point now, it's to late.



I have bottomed out and my future doesn't fit into my schedule.
I'm all booked up on depression and self-loathing.

8 months and 18 days

Sometimes it feels just like yesterday.


sometimes it feels like years.


sometimes I hide under the covers and pretend it never happened.

Ive lost my voice trying to be heard over this noise.

Thinking about how much everything is/has changed, is still overwhelming. Today I met a friends grandmother, who had only seen me in a photo and heard the kind things Brittany has said about me, and she was so sweet and loving, After one hug and greeting I realized how much that woman reminded me of my Grandmother, that brought peace to my heart, because it has been a year since Ive been in the presence of my grandmother, I got a little emotional on the way home. I miss that woman very much, and I can't help but feel, that if Leukemia had not ended her life, she would still be going strong, cooking, sewing and teaching me the meaning of unconditional love.

I like to think I'm doing my best at life, but after a conversation with my cousin I'm doubting myself, it only took one question, what happened to all your close friends, what changed? my response...... Monique died.

constantly I find my self wondering what I should do more of, I always feel like I'm coming up short.

"you wont find Monique at the bottom of a whiskey bottle"

My moms right, but I'm sad, lonely, depressed and angry, and the two people I really want to spend time with well, one is dead and the other decided to moved 8 hours away from me.


and I know I wont find the company I want, in a whiskey bottle or jug of wine, But right now, they are more accessible.

and I know that bottle of whiskey or jug of wine wont take away my depression, or my anger.


But, I just don't wanna feel anything for a little while, I just wanna break from all this pain I'm feeling

so I at some point in the next few days, I will find me that bottle of whiskey or jug of wine, and I will take a break from it.

sinking.

The holidays are as dead as the people I want to spend them with, But as much as I wish I could just hide under the covers and wait for them to pass, I have my mother, and we will do our best to make it through this first holiday season without Monique.

I find myself just wanting to stay in my hole, the one I dug 8 months ago, i find nights to be the worst, alone in my empty room, It's when I face everything all over again, alone with my tears and my notebook full of letters, full of words I want to say to her, the stuff I never got a chance to say, it's like a song stuck on repeat. Other times I write all the things I can't say to anyone else, and then the anger rises and I can taste the bitterness, because that notebook fails to give me the comfort of the sisterly advise I long for. We never seriously ever really talked about what we would do if one of us lost each other, It's a miracle Ive made it this far, without my other half.