8 months and 27 days.

I fear my need to make something of my life, will in some ways do me harm.

I have never dealt with death in a healthy manor, I just turn myself off, push my pain and grief way down, and pour beer, whiskey and wine on it to keep it in it's place. The only person who understood this was Monique, I'm afraid I will do it to her, push it down, in order to keep going, turn myself off to the loss of her, and go about my life, choking on the emotions I don't know what to do with. Because when this time of night hits, and everyone is asleep, I'm here awake, fighting it, trying to keep the pain at bay, pleading for it to not overcome me, and I sleep, and wake up and keep livin, keep lovin, keep breathin, But there are moments (usually filled with amount of that beer, whiskey and wine) were it turns on me, and I can't keep it down, I end up drowning myself in it. I break down, get messy and cry myself to sleep. (repeat)

I don't want to push her away, in order to keep livin.

and I'm scared.