why can't I just relax, leave the past behind?
The pages on the calendar keep turning, the sun keeps rising, and setting. My heart keeps beating and I'm still breathing. I can still throw party's, go to concerts, dance, draw on my eyebrows, get tattooed, be there for a friend, lend a shoulder to cry on, and listen to boy troubles, life troubles, good times and fears.
I will still be understanding when someone disappears from my life for months at at time, and welcome them back with open arms. So why do I feel so afriad to live, when I'm already living, I can still do all the things I did with Monique, even when she is not here doing them with me, even though these days I get anxiety so bad I feel like my heart will rip out of my chest. My problem is doing more, I feel I will never amount to anything else, that this is it, a once a month house cleaning job, a few kick backs, drunken nights, concerts, dinner dates and maybe a movie night or two. A year since Monique has died is fast approaching, the only good I have done since is apply for one job and stop abusing pills.
I feel like a prisoner to my grief, to this life. I fear anything new.
I know I'm alive, but I don't feel like I'm living.
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