this is it.

Today is officially one of the first holidays without Monique, I know it's just Halloween, but every Halloween since I can remember, we spent it together, most years even dressed up in the same costume, two angels, two witches, two clowns. I can't help but feel emotional today.

I have a long night ahead of me, and I am determined to not let anyone see the worst in me, to not fall apart and cry. Because it happens alot, drunk or sober, I get very overwhelmed in large situations, when I take a step back and really digest that Monique is not a face I will find in the crowd. I want my friends to have fun, and enjoy the night.

I have come to terms, with the fact that I have not come to terms with Monique's death, I am haunted by horrible nightmares on a weekly basis that leave me awakening screaming or crying so intensely that I get headaches, My mom is the first person I talked to about these growing nightmares, she and made it very clear that I am holding myself somewhat responsible for what happened to her, and that I need to realize she is gone.

So you see, when I'm out, being productive, enjoying a beer. I am doing my best to be alive, I'm giving it my all to not bury myself in my problems. When I say I am ok, it's for the moment. If you take a step back and ever want to see further in my life, I'm not ok. But I'm willing to admit it, I'm willing to try and have some fun.


But I know these up coming months, they are gonna be painful, So tonight I hope I can have some fun, and not fall apart, I'm so tired of people seeing me cry.