So last night I realized how awkward I can be in some social settings, I went to java with a smoothie craving and left with a headache. Upon entering I ran into someone I had not seen since Mo's funeral and got the much hated "concerned look" and ran right into some douche from high school who made it seem like I was some ridiculously fat hag back in the day, by the way he was complimenting me. I mean fuckin A man, I don't look that different and while I was trying to avoid him I ran into a java regular who knows me because I was always at java hanging out with Alicia, and he proceeded to ask me how Monique was doing.... I just responded with "Dead" and went to the bathroom to catch my breath, I mean fuck. That was exhausting.
I applied for a job I really want today, I haven't had the confidence to do something like that in a really long time, I've been keeping busy and tonight I just want to rest and think about Monique, I started talking to her every night before I go to sleep.
I don't know if this change in mood is good, or a sign that I'm just trying to shove everything to the back of my mind and live in some fantasy world Ive created in my head, I wonder if one day I'm just gonna snap and I will be found at the cemetery in the middle of the night trying to bury my self alive.
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