What happens when you love what you've lost?

Ive been crawling out of bed everyday, Defeated by routine, I rest my head by 3am, toss and turn and usually check the time around 6:45a, and eventually throw the covers back and start another day by 2pm, I thought moving my room around again might help, but soon hopefully I will realize that if it didn't work the first time, it wont work the fourth. I thought I'd change things up and instead of watching greys anatomy for 3 hours I would sit in my room and listen to this Cd Leigh made for me after Monique died, I found it under a stack of empty cd cases, I haven't listened to it since I played in at her viewing, I just sat there, while vividly remembering that day, the flowers, the people, I would not leave her side, even while she was laying dead in a casket. Finally my mom had to walk me outside, I was crying, She said I needed to get some air, she practically had to carry me out, it was a big church, walking away from her casket felt like miles.

a few songs in was just some good ole Johnny Cash, and I realized the month, and that this time last year I spent everyday with Monique while we took care of our Grandmother who was dying, My grandma spent her last days with her headphones on, listening to Johnny Cash, I would just sit in the room with her, and I could hear the music. Looking back, those were really sad moments in our life, watching our grandma slowly fade away, Monique's health start to go downhill, not knowing that her addiction was as bad, or maybe just not really wanting to see it was as bad. Then I look to the present day, and how I now look at those days as better days compared to today, now not only am I missing and mourning the loss of my grandmother, I am also missing and mourning the loss of Monique. Back then, I never would have thought this is were my life would be a year from now.

and I have a feeling, Monique never would have thought she would be buried 6ft underground when she was 22 years old.