Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me.

So after my last post, I crawled in bed and crashed for 4 hours,when woke up I was so disorientated I didn't know what day it was, what time it was and what exactly was real anymore.

I finally had a dream about Monique that felt real, Were I felt our love and It was so intense. In my dream she came to visit me, I was in shock, she looked so beautiful, we took a walk outside and the sky was blue and the breeze was nice, I asked her if heaven was real and she pointed to the sky and said yes, its right past there and its beautiful and that dad is there and grandma was there, and I pleaded if its real can I go with you? please take me with you, I just want to be with you, we were back in our room and she was going through our closet I gave her my new cardigan sweater and she promised to take care of it, I asked again please take me with you and she put her arms around me and said she loved me and she will see me sometime soon.

and then I woke up, and the pain Ive felt from not seeing her was less, well because I believe I did see her,But the pain will come back as the days go on.

.......

twinface.

I can't focus on much today, I really just want to fall off the face of the earth. I saw two little twin boys at subway and got all choked up, I miss that connection and bond between a twin.



I'm falling apart without you, Monique. Can you see me?

2 months down....

2 fucking Months, 2 Fucking Months!

I guess I have to say it a few times to actually let it sink in, Ive gone from not seeing My sister for more than 4 days, too 2 months.

I can't seem to find enough words to describe the emptiness I feel anymore.



I feel like I keep trying to balance the old Amber and this new less awesome one, I try to keep conversations going, I try, But it just doesn't feel like it's working, I guess I finally need to accept that she is gone, she has been gone, she went with Monique. I'm still afraid that eventually nobody will love whats left of me, because fuck its not much.

I keep searching for my "somebody else", all my other friends have someone they go to, they hang out with they text and talk to that is kinda just theirs, and I get sad sometimes, Because I have to realize Monique was that to me, My somebody that no one else had, I mean don't get me wrong, all my friends had her and there amazing relationships. But the love and bond we shared, that was just ours and nobody else had that. Not even my mother

Monique, I miss you and I love you so much, these words just don't seem to be enough anymore.



Sad Girl Por Vida

Everything is a new experience

I just had my first argument with my mom since Monique died.

It's insane to think of how almost everything I do in life is all a first now, seeing as we shared a life together for almost 23 years. And now Its just me....

Usually every argument ended with me running to Mo, we always had each others side, Even if we knew one of us was in the wrong we still had each others back, and stood up for one another. and Now I'm sitting in my room staring at her face on my arm. Wishing she was the one on the computer and I was laying in my bed telling her how unfair mom was being.

Now not only to I have shitty moments and arguments, But I also have a huge empty and lost feeling knowing I don't have her to run too anymore.

I can honestly say I was in such a shitty mood this morning that I didn't even care about getting tattooed, I just wanted to hide in my bed all day. Alicia picked me up to go to the shop and I could tell she was in the same mood. We got to the shop and a few minutes in to our arrival I saw the drawing Josh drew up of Monique, and oh fuck if I didn't almost burst into tears. It is and will always be My greatest and Most Beautiful tattoo, Just looking at the drawing cheered up Alicia and I. Josh Palmer is not only a great friend but an amazing tattoo artist.


I feel the need to write so much more, my head is overflowing with thoughts and sentences, But its all been said before so Why say it again?

I MISS MY SISTER, AND STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE HAD TO GO.

ok I said it.

Mom, Alicia and Leigh

To the three most amazing woman in my life.

Mom, I don't know what I do to deserve such an amazing mother, she is truly one of the strongest most beautiful person to ever walk this earth, There aren't enough words in the world to begin to describe her, She gets up every morning and works 2 jobs, she carry's her heartache with her, But still keeps going, She has never made me feel like shit for not being able to get out of bed, but just sits next to me and holds my hand and promises she will not give up on me. She is the person I run to everyday in tears, feeling defeated and broken and she always manages to piece me back together. I can honestly say, If it wasn't for her I would not still be here today.

Alicia, My best friend of 10 years, one of the A's out of A.M.A. I will do everything in my power to keep this friendship alive, Thank you for not giving up on me, for taking care of my drunk ass many of nights, words fail to describe the bond we will always hold and the love I have for you, you are a talented woman and I cant wait to see the wonders you do in this world. I love you, Por Vida.

Leigh, fuckin A, The friend who reminds me EVERYDAY she loves me, who in my deepest of depression, Makes sure I see some light, some love. There are not many people in this world as real as you, and I feel so fucking lucky to call you one of my best friends You are something amazing. I love you, always and forever.

glass half empty

I dropped my phone into a half empty glass of water, How I manage to do shit like that I will never understand.

usually I would be so upset about my phone and numbers and all that, But I could give a fuck less about my contact list. I had pictures of Monique, the last picture she took of herself and one of me and her from my first rehab visit to her, a picture that nobody had seen, It was mine to cherish and to keep and a video of her telling Alicia hi and waving, All possibly gone.

I feel like the world is against me, Not only am I falling apart but so is my everything else. I just want to crawl in bed and hide, But Ive been doing that for weeks already, and tonight is Another Benefit show for Monique, and I know I have some friends that really want to see me, and I them

But It takes so much out of me, To make myself feel presentable enough to even leave the house, how am I supposed to have the courage to smile and hold a conversation?

I just don't feel like enough anymore.

and I really don't feel like answering that question that EVERYONE asks "how have you been?"

I wonder if they really want the truth?

American nightmare/Give up the ghost.

Today was another one of those mornings wear I open my eyes and again have to remind myself you are not here, and then I put my glasses on and see that there is only One bed left in our room and I throw a pillow over my face until I have the guts to actually get out of bed...

Every fucking day I have more questions and things I need to say to you, today's topic is music and such. I was looking through our cds and I made sure all your Give up the ghost and American Nightmare were all together, I can't remember why They had to change there name, or why they aren't a band anymore, you told me all this information, Who is gonna answer all my questions Monique? who is gonna school me on Wes Eisold, and tell me a bunch of random facts about him and his life. Who is gonna make me a shirt with the angel, I have so many questions that only you hold the answers too. It brings such a fucking emptiness to my life, you have taken so much with you, so much talent and beauty and random knowledge on American Nightmare, Mike Giant. Its all with you, and I'm left here a hollowed out shell of what used to be Amber Danielle Rosaz.

I've been reading saves the day lyircs, I'm the one who got you into them, yes I actually introduced you to something rad. We would talk about how not everyone likes saves the day, But if you look passed that fast pop punk sound and really listen. There lyrics are fucking amazing...

this ones for you mo.

"Eulogy" by saves the day.


I see your eyes in my mind
but the moment fades slips away
and when I wake I curse the day
when I torch the sky see it falling in flames
I'd burn up to see you again

I'll carve out my lungs and it's all just to see you again
I'm sick in my gut from the poison I drank to forget

And since you've gone I can't forget
what I didn't say that it's much too late
I feel you here in my heart but sometimes I fall
I gotta crawl in the dark

I'll carve out my lungs and it's all just to see you again
I'm sick in my gut from the poison I drank to forget

I'm trapped in my withering skin oh no no
to rot and remember the dead
I'll dig my grave and wait here for you till the end

I'll carve out my lungs and it's all just to see you again
I'm sick in my gut from the poison I drank to forget
You leave me empty inside I'm trying to hold on