It's been 5 Months now, and we finally have the answer.

Ive been sorting through all the details since Sunday. Trying to fully digest everything, I don't think I ever fully will.

To put everything into simply terms, Monique died from a form of Hepatitis I still have a hard time even saying (Fulminant Non-Alcoholic Steato-Hepatitis) her liver was three time's the size of a normal liver, and her heart was starting to overcompensate, which is why after 22 years it stopped beating.

The month her health was at it's worst, we were made to believe she was just depressed, she wasn't eating, she was weak, so all they did was pump more antidepressants into her, we kept taking her to the hospital, all they had to say was she was dehydrated. Now I find out, she was dying, her liver was failing and they never did a thing about it, they never even knew(we never knew) and it took a coroner to find it all out, The what if's and should have's will get me nowhere



(she just wanted to learn to live a sober life, she just wanted to feel better again)

I miss her, I wish I could have saved her. If I had known I would have done anything, I would have given her my liver, I would have given her my heart.

3:43am

I'm afraid to fall asleep, in fear of the nightmares I will have.

I have spent the last hour alone in my room, reading pages of sentences that have brought back the shock and pain that occurred February 28, 2009 (5:01pm)

Going over those words, I felt like I was standing in the I.C.U all over again, gazing at my other half, who lie there, with no more life left in her.

and it's killing me , to know that someone I love so much, was at one point in her life just a body covered in a white sheet, with a number tagged to her, so someone could cut into her, and try to figure out why the air stopped flowing through her lungs.

(it hurts)

that packet finally arrived in the mail

Final Pathological Diagnoses:

Monique Marie Rosaz, a 22 year old hispanic female died as a result of Fulminant Non-Alcoholic Steato-Hepatitis.


(I still don't fully understand this, I'm still trying to digest it all)

Alicia Marie Magana

I will be somewhat lost when she moves to Long Beach, She as been the one person who understands me the most. Who doesn't make me feel sane, Because we are both crazy. These past few days, Ive fallen deeper into my whole, I've left all calls unanswered, and the few texts I have received, have felt as empty as the bottles of whiskey leftover in my room. My mom has gone to bed, without a word to me for the past two nights, and lately when I have tried to close my eye's to sleep, I end up sobbing into my pillow, for what seems like forever. I find myself angry, at the entire world, my vocal cords have been put to rest for day's at a time, I was starting to wonder if I even need them anymore, and then I got a phone call, caller id: Alicia.




thank you.

your hand in mine

I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a stormy ocean, being taken down by the tide and struggling to keep my head above water.

The things no one knows how to talk about.

I am not ok, I am not dealing with the death of Monique well.

I find it very hard to except she is really gone, I came across an old home video from 06' I saw her alive for the first time in almost 5 months, my heart stopped, and I sat in front of the t.v, wishing I could just jump inside and put my arms around her, I sat there just wanting to hear her voice, I kept rewinding the beginning of the dvd, were she walks into the garage door, hoping that any second the front door would swing open and she would walk in, How could someone as amazing as her be gone?

I don't know how much longer I can go, without her.

buried by the fear of these thoughts

Ive been unbearably depressed the past few day, it's nothing new.

But after a visit to a few old folders of photo's I find myself unbelievably angry, after punching my mattress and crying into my pillow, I decided it would be better to write exactly what I want to do, other than do it.

I want to smash every piece of glass I can find, I want to find every doctor that ever took care of my sister and slit there throats, I want to find the bastard that stuck the tube down her throat and hold his head under water, I want to slap everyone in the face that has ever told me time will make this all better.

I don't want to feel all this pain anymore, I don't want to feel so alone anymore. I'm so angry it hurts, I'm so sad, it hurts. I'm so fucking lost, it hurts.