late nights, and cold wine.

Nothing hurts more than empty promises, for what it's worth I always had my guard up, I always knew he would end up like the rest.

I'm not perfect, but can't you see?

to me, it feels like I'm being left all alone, I had a twin sister, now she's dead.

A best friend who was never more than a 10 minute car ride away, now she lives 5 and a half hours away.

another best friend, who said a whole lot of wonderful things, promised me he would always be here for me, but the last time I checked. When you call a friend and they tell you they are depressed and lonely, you don't sigh and say "oh well I was just calling to check in".

Those three people were a constant in my life, so much is changing now.

I have been depressed for much longer than these past 6 months, my world started falling apart October 27, I watched my sister struggle with addiction, and the more she fell apart, the more I fell apart. Watching her deteriorate and not know what was wrong, killed so much of me, Spending weeks at the hospital watching those doctors not do a damn thing, killed me. Feeling her grab my hand because she was terrified, and being helpless, killed me. I was supposed to make her better, I promised her she would get better. Those months, I was miserable, but I knew when she got better, I would be better.

Before February 28, 2009. My purpose in life was to take care of My sister, to make her happy and to live, to get a job and by us stuff, to get tattooed and watch her take photo's, to hang out with friends and to take care of myself.

things changed, and I'm grasping, and gasping and struggling, and failing and falling. I don't want the world, I just want to learn to exist the best I can, I just want to want to wake up, I just want to want to make something of myself.

that's all.