I feel like I need to rush myself, like my time to be sad is up and it's time to be happy. Whenever I go to church with my mom I can feel the eyes of some of the people begging me to throw my arms in praise and shout how god has come into my life and showed me the wonders of life. But sadly all they get is a hug and a nod from me saying "I'm ok". I remember when Monique died, and someone would ask me how I was all I wanted to do was pull out a knife and stab them in the chest and ask "that's how I am, how does it feel?" but that's not logical now is it? for quite a few months I could not even answer that question, but It's going on a year soon, and I feel the need to be able to answer that question honestly, because I hate lying. But I also hate having to tell someone over and over that I'm sad. I want to feel good again, I want to be happy. But sometimes that feels so distant from what's really going on. Lately the fear of going out is back, I'm starting to become way to comfortable in my cave of a room and all day naps are starting to sound so much better then looking for a job.
I just want to feel good again.......
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