I'm not sure what it is, but this new year is not starting as positive as I would have liked it to, I just have all these bad feelings I can't shake. It's intimidating to start of a new year, I feel like I have to live up to all the expectations, all of which I'm setting for myself, today was one of my ho hum days in particular. I was at dinner with my mom telling her I just did not feel good, it bothers me, especially because I had such a good night out before and had also just purchased my ticket home from Long Beach so I could go visit Alicia. I don't understand why I feel so down when I have so much good around me. well I do understand... I just hate realizing that my state of depression makes me feel so horrible. It makes me question what it will take to ever feel truly happy again.
I'm starting to feel old, But at least I can say Ive had a life well lived, but watching these days pass so fast fucking sucks. I want to be able to take care of my mom, have a good job. But I don't know when I will feel like I can actually concur such things. Whoever thought living would be so hard? I mean I never really thought that one day I would be struggling to enjoy the simple things in life. Looking at photos of Monique I find myself struggling, trying to take in every memory, because although she is always with me, I feel like the more time passes, the farther she feels, how can that be?
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