Sometimes I wonder when my bad dreams started, or when they decided to get so personal, for years I just had the ones were I felt like I couldn't move or talk, especially during the moments I needed to most, but not they've turned way more personal and painful. My mind never finds rest from me, even when I sleep it's churning up nightmares of days Ive really lived, only I haven't. You know like plays o n reality, stuff changes but the meaning stays the same. When my dad died I can really only remember once waking up not really being able to grasp if he was dead or alive, I remember that being a horrible experience and after Monique died I dreaded that would happen again, it did. But not once all the time. I lost count of how many times I wake up looking around thinking "wait were is she?" my dreams make me believe that I just need to spend more time with her, they make think it was all a lie, just something to give me a push to be a better sister, so I wake thinking "find Monique and tell her you love her" only after a few seconds I realize it was not just a dream, it is reality. I wake all the time hoping for a fresh start but end up back in my cave alone.
I am grateful I have her in my dreams, no matter how horrible they get, but sometimes I wish they were more imaginary, you know like us hanging out and catching up, I could show her my new tattoos and talk about a boy. Those would be some good dreams.
No comments:
Post a Comment