oh mother...

I don't know if it's me, or her.But she hasn't brought me the comfort she usually does, she has been cold, and mean.I know I don't have a job, and I can't afford my own soy milk and special k, and that never used to be a problem, but now it is. I woke up from 14 hours of sleep today, feeling shitty, that amount of sleep never really amounts to anything good, I ate my breakfast and started cleaning, I came across Monique's photo dvd and decided to play it, and cried, after I turned on rilo kiley and cleaned the rest of the house, crying. I knew my my mom would probably call me on her lunch break and hopefully make me feel better, well she called, and proceeded to just ask about my brother, im sorry, but I'm Amber not Mario. Then she tells me she wont be home till very late, and she could tell in voice I wasent very happy about that, all she had to say was " well, you have had company the past few days" I dont even know what that was supposed to mean, should that make me feel less alone today?



I heard Monique's voice in a dream I had last night, I don't have the energy to write about the whole dream, but in part of it she had called my cell phone after I had taken a long drive somewhere and all she said was "Amber, I miss you."

I miss you too, Monique.

The days run away like wild horses

Today was my first Fathers day since my dad passed away that I didn't go to the cemetery. I was being selfish, just thinking about myself. I didn't want to visit the ground he is under, I didn't want to see is headstone, I miss him so much, and sometimes I get angry that, that's were he is, his soul may not be there, but his physical self is, I miss his hugs, and his love. It was also because Monique is not here to go with me, I knew my heart was not up to visiting the ground of the two people I miss the most, My stomach turns when I think if them down there, how there beautiful faces, might not be so beautiful anymore. But then again, I will always think they are beautiful.

Ive been so lonely lately, and the past 4 days Ive been surrounded by friends, its not that there company is not enough, Its something beyond that. I am watching everyone strive to live the life they were not living before, because they have seen just how short life can really be, they are moving out of town, pursuing new love. Because they don't want to leave this earthly life, knowing what they "could have done".

I on the other hand am not, I don't know how too yet, and I know that's ok. I mean its not even a full 4 months yet, I am still hurting so much. I am trying to be a good friend, to listen, to praise, to be happy my friends are doing all these wonderful things, knowing they carry Monique's memory with them, the other night a friend of mine told me he thinks about Mo every day, and that brought my heart comfort just to hear those words, But I will be honest, I see them all doing these wonderful things, and I can't help but feel left behind.


Having Alicia back in my life, is something I am very grateful for. We may have only not spoken for about 10 days, but that's a lot for us. She made me remember a lot of things I was starting to forget. I know that not all friendships last forever, but I'm starting to believe that's not true with people in my life, at least I'm hoping that. Because I love, with a true kind of love, and I give so much of myself, and honesty that, the friendships I have built are something of substance, they are more valuable then any diamonds or gold.

and I hope no matter were they live, what they do for a living, or who they are in love with. They know I love them, and they let me know they love me.

We all have our faults, our fears, we are all in some ways selfish. But good friends love you through it all.

I really miss, what really did exsist.

I wrote a 3 page letter to Alicia. But instead of just being able to hand it to her, we hugged, and cried.

and for once, she promised to fight to be apart of my life.

The past few Months of my life have been a fucking roller coaster ride.

Alicia and I have a lot to work on. But if she is willing to try, then so am I.

I ended up leaving Nathan's party to talk to Alicia, we sat in her car and said everything that needed to be said, and it felt good. I arrived home to a package on my table with a 2 page letter, and very special photo Album of the three of us (Alicia,Monique and I) With quotes, she put a lot of effort, honesty and love in that entire package.


Por vida

Happy Birthday Nathan.

I will be attempting to leave the comforts of the Walls Ive built around me, and spend some time with friends I haven't really spent time with, in a long time.

I miss Monique, and I miss the friendship I used to have with Alicia.


But if its one thing I learned from the grief counseling I went to last night, is that everything I'm going through is completely valid, it's just some people aren't cut out to deal with it, Its sad to see major tragedy lead to more heartache, that could have been avoided, with just a little understanding.

In the loss of one friendship, I have learned to cherish the one that has grown beyond something it ever was, thank you Leigh.

I will always miss the ones that didn't stick around, miss the way they used to love.

But I will be forever thankful for the ones, that still love, just like they did 4 months ago.

loved and lost.

I haven't written on this blog for a few days, I tried, but I decided to delete it.

Ive written to Monique, but that's between me and her.

I think knowing I have people who actually "follow" my blog makes me hesitant. For reasons I can't seem to be able to define.

I'm sure I repeat myself alot, But I'm not writing for you, I'm writing for me, and I need to ease the pain of my thoughts now.

Last night I ended up going to some dive bar in Monterey, not looking as fabulous as I would like, I did not intend on drinking, until I saw Pbr on tap and thought, what the fuck.

My friendships between most of my friends are starting to feel very disconnected, I feel as if I can't even keep my best friend of 10 years in my life, how am I going to keep the one's of 5, 4, 3, 2 and 1 years.

I need everyone to understand that I am not, and never will be the same person. I was once a Twin, and though I still am, the struggle to wake up everyday a "twin-less twin" is something that has made me a different person.

in the past 4 months I have lost my Twin sister to death, and My best friend because of the death of my twin sister.

I have so much more I need to let out, to get of my mind and heart.

But I find myself hesitating and quickly backspacing it all away.

Salinas/pebble beach/ Monterey

I will be residing there the next 5 days.


I have made a promise to myself that I will not let what's going on between Alicia and I get the best of me, My main goal in life is to try and survive the loss of Monique the best way I can, that's it.

I knew this would change me, and I knew that not many people would be able to stick around.


But I still know what it's like to Love, and I will cling to that, and keep on loving till the last breath I take.

"amber I'm gonna do it, im gonna move outa town"

I received that Via text message from Alicia about 2 hours ago, and the tears have finally stopped, The anger is all that's left.

I understand life is full of changes, and I'm no reason to stay in any particular town, But I think something like a big move is worth at least a phone call, we are best friends, and you TEXT me that. It really hurts my feelings, I finally got the nerve to call, I just yelled, how selfish it was to think texting me that was ok, Its not. I expect more out of my friendships. I am going through alot in life and I know I'm not the only who lost, But Monique was my Twin sister, sorry if I expect you to be around while I go through this heartbreak.

Sorry I expect you to call me, to come visit me, Sorry I expect all of that out of you, sorry I don't call and sorry sometimes I'm so depressed and in such a fragile state I forget that you love me.

Alicia has hurt my feelings a few times this month, and I don't think friendships should hurt as much as this one has, It has been tearing me apart to see a 10+ year friendship fall to pieces, But I cant fight to keep her around anymore, Thats not fair for me.

I guess without Monique we are just a car without an engine, Its just not going anywhere and I'm not gonna be the one pushing a car all by myself.

I tried and tried, But I can't anymore.

so seeing as she always texts me the shit that needs to be said, I did the same, so she knows how unfair it feels.

I said that its obvious our friendship is not gonna make it, I wish you the best and I love you.

Because I do, I love her like family, But I cant be the one keeping it together.

It's up to her, and sadly, I know she wont fight to keep me in her life, soon I will be just someone she used to know.