I haven't written on this blog for a few days, I tried, but I decided to delete it.
Ive written to Monique, but that's between me and her.
I think knowing I have people who actually "follow" my blog makes me hesitant. For reasons I can't seem to be able to define.
I'm sure I repeat myself alot, But I'm not writing for you, I'm writing for me, and I need to ease the pain of my thoughts now.
Last night I ended up going to some dive bar in Monterey, not looking as fabulous as I would like, I did not intend on drinking, until I saw Pbr on tap and thought, what the fuck.
My friendships between most of my friends are starting to feel very disconnected, I feel as if I can't even keep my best friend of 10 years in my life, how am I going to keep the one's of 5, 4, 3, 2 and 1 years.
I need everyone to understand that I am not, and never will be the same person. I was once a Twin, and though I still am, the struggle to wake up everyday a "twin-less twin" is something that has made me a different person.
in the past 4 months I have lost my Twin sister to death, and My best friend because of the death of my twin sister.
I have so much more I need to let out, to get of my mind and heart.
But I find myself hesitating and quickly backspacing it all away.
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I find myself feeling the same way about writing. It's like the minute people say that liked my words, I felt hesitant to write. I felt like I was writing for an audience and not myself and I always ended up with nothing.
ReplyDeleteNow, I just like to keep my mind focused and let the words take on whatever they want.
& if people don't like it, who am I to care?
You always feel that you can't keep things together - especially friendships.
I never thought friendships was something that required work to have especially if both people were committed but seeing the experience of my friend's tells me otherwise.
However, you can't assume/judge every friendship just because one took a different turn than you wanted it to.
Every person is different, has different things to offer, and things to tell you.
As long as you make yourself open to communication, love, and the offer to being in their company - then it's up to the other person to do the same for you and indulge in whatever you have to offer.
& yes, I know you think that's nothing.
But sadly, all I will tell you is that your wrong.
So yeah, things with Alicia are going in a different direction. Their still is love and one day maybe the friendship will blossom again but don't keep thinking that just because that went downhill every other friend is sure to follow.
Let's face it.
People will either shine or they won't.