4 months.

I wonder if I will ever look at a calender, and not see the 28th as a reminder of the day my life changed forever.

will I spend the rest of my life just counting down months and years?

I blame myself for my sisters death, even though we still don't know exactly why, we know how, she suffocated, on vomit when they tried to incubate her, because of the food I fed her, minutes before. Why was her heart so weak it wouldn't start beating again? was it because of the anti depressants I gave her everyday?, was it because she didn't like to eat a lot, and I could only get her to eat one small meal a day? I know nobody blames me, and I shouldn't blame myself, but I do. I never really talk about this much, because it is a burden I know that nobody can lessen the pain of.I have been told many of times to seek counseling, and when a person tells me that, I take a mental note to not reveal my major pains to them anymore, because they would probably just rather me seek "professional" help. But you see, if professionals couldn't save my sister, I don't expect them to save me.I don't want some college degree doctor to sit in front of me and tell me what they were taught to tell me.


I miss my sister, I miss her advise, love, voice, laugh, style. I miss the comfort of her presence. I miss our arguments.

I miss cooking for her, I miss waking up to two beds in my room, with one being occupied by her.

I hate drawing on my eyebrows now, I find that sometimes I even dread it, because when I look up to check if they are even, I know I don't have her to look up too for approval. I remember one day, I was hungover and tired and just could get them on right, I got so frustrated I started crying and she calmed me down and grabbed some q tips and her eyebrow pencil and she fixed them for me.

I couldn't apply her makeup for her services, I don't have that kind of strength. But before she was viewed, I made everyone give us a moment, and I powdered her face, touched up her blush, applied some pomegranate burts bees and sprayed her with her favorite perfume. I knew it was the last time I would ever be able to take care of her.

I hope she is happy, that's all I ever wanted for her.