Today was my first Fathers day since my dad passed away that I didn't go to the cemetery. I was being selfish, just thinking about myself. I didn't want to visit the ground he is under, I didn't want to see is headstone, I miss him so much, and sometimes I get angry that, that's were he is, his soul may not be there, but his physical self is, I miss his hugs, and his love. It was also because Monique is not here to go with me, I knew my heart was not up to visiting the ground of the two people I miss the most, My stomach turns when I think if them down there, how there beautiful faces, might not be so beautiful anymore. But then again, I will always think they are beautiful.
Ive been so lonely lately, and the past 4 days Ive been surrounded by friends, its not that there company is not enough, Its something beyond that. I am watching everyone strive to live the life they were not living before, because they have seen just how short life can really be, they are moving out of town, pursuing new love. Because they don't want to leave this earthly life, knowing what they "could have done".
I on the other hand am not, I don't know how too yet, and I know that's ok. I mean its not even a full 4 months yet, I am still hurting so much. I am trying to be a good friend, to listen, to praise, to be happy my friends are doing all these wonderful things, knowing they carry Monique's memory with them, the other night a friend of mine told me he thinks about Mo every day, and that brought my heart comfort just to hear those words, But I will be honest, I see them all doing these wonderful things, and I can't help but feel left behind.
Having Alicia back in my life, is something I am very grateful for. We may have only not spoken for about 10 days, but that's a lot for us. She made me remember a lot of things I was starting to forget. I know that not all friendships last forever, but I'm starting to believe that's not true with people in my life, at least I'm hoping that. Because I love, with a true kind of love, and I give so much of myself, and honesty that, the friendships I have built are something of substance, they are more valuable then any diamonds or gold.
and I hope no matter were they live, what they do for a living, or who they are in love with. They know I love them, and they let me know they love me.
We all have our faults, our fears, we are all in some ways selfish. But good friends love you through it all.
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