this is it.

Today is officially one of the first holidays without Monique, I know it's just Halloween, but every Halloween since I can remember, we spent it together, most years even dressed up in the same costume, two angels, two witches, two clowns. I can't help but feel emotional today.

I have a long night ahead of me, and I am determined to not let anyone see the worst in me, to not fall apart and cry. Because it happens alot, drunk or sober, I get very overwhelmed in large situations, when I take a step back and really digest that Monique is not a face I will find in the crowd. I want my friends to have fun, and enjoy the night.

I have come to terms, with the fact that I have not come to terms with Monique's death, I am haunted by horrible nightmares on a weekly basis that leave me awakening screaming or crying so intensely that I get headaches, My mom is the first person I talked to about these growing nightmares, she and made it very clear that I am holding myself somewhat responsible for what happened to her, and that I need to realize she is gone.

So you see, when I'm out, being productive, enjoying a beer. I am doing my best to be alive, I'm giving it my all to not bury myself in my problems. When I say I am ok, it's for the moment. If you take a step back and ever want to see further in my life, I'm not ok. But I'm willing to admit it, I'm willing to try and have some fun.


But I know these up coming months, they are gonna be painful, So tonight I hope I can have some fun, and not fall apart, I'm so tired of people seeing me cry.

yesterday, today, tomorrow.....

My fisrt night out with Nathan, didn't really go as I thought, we didn't even really have a conversation, just small talk. I really don't know what I'm going to do.

I had a really tough morning, it being a year since my grandmother passed away, I really just wanted to stay in bed all day and hide, not having Monique made a already sad day, much worse. But I still got ready to go see dead mans bones, Phuong had a extra ticket and of coarse I knew who would enjoy the concert as much as I would, so Nathan joined, tonight went a little better, as much as I am mad at him and hurt, I really do love him, I find when my friendships leave me to feel like I'm not good enough, I just want to throw in the towel, I know nathan and I will probably never have the friendship we once did, But I don't know what to do, just pretend like he didn't just walk out on my life? and re appear when everyone tells him he should call me, or spend some time with me.....

it's all to much for me to stress over at the moment


On our way back from the city, we passed the hospital, I looked at my phone and noticed it was no longer October 27, 2009

it was October 28th, 2009...... 8 months down, the rest of my life to go.

untitled

The end of this month is keeping me busy, and I don't mind. party prepping is stressful and fun. Last night I hung out with some friends, and we drank lots of pbr and I smoked lots of weed with someone I used to go to high school with. We watched a black dahlia murder dvd and just partied, it was fun, we laughed and talked and it was a much needed un planned event.

Today I called my aunt pat, Tomorrow will be 1 year since my grandmother (her mother) passed away, and Ive been wanting to just call and remind her that I love her, it's been a year and my aunt is still buried in her depression, she wont leave her house, she is lost. I fear I will end up like her. Alone, angry, bitter and depressed for the rest of my life.

(I'm going out to dinner with Nathan tonight, and I don't know if I have the courage to look him in the eye and tell him how much he has hurt me)

Dear Nathan,

Good friends don't tell you they will always be there for you, and then disappear from your life.

If you can't take me for all that I am, then you don't deserve to be apart of my life.


I don't know if I will ever be able to consider Nathan as more than, just someone I used to know.

What happens when you love what you've lost?

Ive been crawling out of bed everyday, Defeated by routine, I rest my head by 3am, toss and turn and usually check the time around 6:45a, and eventually throw the covers back and start another day by 2pm, I thought moving my room around again might help, but soon hopefully I will realize that if it didn't work the first time, it wont work the fourth. I thought I'd change things up and instead of watching greys anatomy for 3 hours I would sit in my room and listen to this Cd Leigh made for me after Monique died, I found it under a stack of empty cd cases, I haven't listened to it since I played in at her viewing, I just sat there, while vividly remembering that day, the flowers, the people, I would not leave her side, even while she was laying dead in a casket. Finally my mom had to walk me outside, I was crying, She said I needed to get some air, she practically had to carry me out, it was a big church, walking away from her casket felt like miles.

a few songs in was just some good ole Johnny Cash, and I realized the month, and that this time last year I spent everyday with Monique while we took care of our Grandmother who was dying, My grandma spent her last days with her headphones on, listening to Johnny Cash, I would just sit in the room with her, and I could hear the music. Looking back, those were really sad moments in our life, watching our grandma slowly fade away, Monique's health start to go downhill, not knowing that her addiction was as bad, or maybe just not really wanting to see it was as bad. Then I look to the present day, and how I now look at those days as better days compared to today, now not only am I missing and mourning the loss of my grandmother, I am also missing and mourning the loss of Monique. Back then, I never would have thought this is were my life would be a year from now.

and I have a feeling, Monique never would have thought she would be buried 6ft underground when she was 22 years old.

overwhelmed with emotion

I don't know why, but I'm hurting more tonight, I'm feeling it all more tonight, I want to make something of myself, but I'm afraid all I will ever be worth is a few good weeks, then I start to fall apart, have more vivid nightmares. I get so angry at Nathan, to think about how he just walked out of my life, making me feel like I'm not good enough. I get it, I'm broken, I'm jaded, all I can ever say is I'm trying.

I like to think of myself as a strong person, but sometimes I just need to cry, Because I'm hurting.

October 17, 2009.

I really miss Monique, and I have nothing more to say.