hell and high tide.

I've once again slipped into a depression so deep I swear It's gonna drown me to death, I don't want to be in this kind of place. Tuesday I decided to start working out again, I wish I could afford the luxuries of a gym like a few of my friends. But I am still unemployed so that's out of the question, it's easy for me to get caught up in feeling bad for myself, poor me I can't go the the gym, or afford a trainer, poor me it's been weeks (and for some months) since Ive seen certain friends, Poor me I don't even have my shitty house cleaning job. I feel like a failure in every aspect of my life, I don't even know what made me think I could throw a boy into the mix.....If I try and take all this on at one time I will just continue to drown. So back to baby steps, I really hate working out, my entire body aches from depression, so I have to push myself, but getting three days done actually feels kinda good, and I'm taking a multivitamin. Who knows how long I can keep this up, but hopefully it can become part of my daily routine, and then soon I can start to gradually add in other stuff, work on my friendships, start volunteering as a teachers aide so my resume is not as dead as my work history. I don't want to get in over my head and If I look back at my many failed attempts I will just doubt myself (because Ive tried this before) but look were I ended up? DEPRESSED again. Sometimes I wonder how many times I have to fall before I take flight on my life again.

It's probably better I started this before Sunday, I can feel that day, it's burned in my brain, but maybe Monday morning(most likely afternoon) I can get out of bed and work out, and try to somehow get though another year without Monique.