When I first started this Blog it was the place I came too to find comfort in my loneliness, I think sharing it with the world was a bad idea, because I'm no writer, I'm just a sad girl looking for a place to release all the mess that's in my mind and broken heart. I don't mind that people read it, but I have found myself posting less and less because I don't want to burden anyone with my grief, But I'm still grieving and always will be, and I write when I'm at my worst because it helps me, I don't know how long I will continue to update this place with my life's mess, but here I go.
The majority of this month has been majorly bad, Ive been counting down days, weeks and months since the moment she was gone, not really knowing what I'm counting towards. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11......February hit and since then Ive been consumed with more pain, and as these weeks have progressed I find myself bursting into tears while doing simple tasks such as sweeping the floor and washing dishes, the change in weather reminds me of her, I think about this month last year, watching her get weaker and not knowing why, she died with no answers, and even though we eventually got some, they were not enough, but I guess nothing will ever be enough. I knew this would be a challenge, but fuck. Sometimes I find myself wondering if this is it for me, if I will die feeling this alone, a few friends stuck around(thank you), I'm still sad to see one of my friendships go, sometimes I wonder if he even misses her, and why it was so easy to walk away from me, because Its not like Ive completely given up on life. But my few attempts to better myself seemed to go unnoticed and all anybody ever seems to really see is my worst. With the loss of my sister it took just about all of my confidence, I still find myself looking in the mirror trying to find myself past my eyes, but all I see is a stranger, maybe that's why some of my friendships got lost, maybe they don't even see me anymore.
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