something is squeezing my skull.

here I am again, in this place Ive been to since I was, oh I don't even know I can't even remember how old I was the first time I got into a fight with my brother. Our relationship as brother and sister has been a very angry verbally and physically abuse one, mostly all on his part, As I got older I learned to stand up for my self but that of coarse just made/makes things worse, Monique always lived through the worst of it, but we both grew up being called fat, ugly whores, calling us bitches was probably the nicer of names. It wasn't something that happened 24/7. but it's happened enough, The last big fight my brother and I had was a month before Monique died, I didn't speak to him again until that day at the hospital, this past year we have tried to re build our relationship, but I'm starting to realize you can't re build something that was never really there. Lately my brothers life has taken another downward spiral, It happens alot for him, He's obviously dealing with his own issues, and he's been rather manic lately to say the least. Tonight after one of his many ramblings I finally had to disagree when he said "you understand what I'm sayin nigga" I said no and tried explaining to him what I feel, how it's not ok to verbally abuse our mom on the daily because of his past issues with her, to constantly bring up our parents past drug issues dad's been dead for 6 years and mom's been sober for almost 24 years, I think they both get it now, I wish he could just take life from the now, own up to his current mistakes, stop trying to lie to himself and everyone else. He doesn't like the truth so he didn't like anything I had to say. It's unfair to tell me I'm the one who's going to hell, when he's the one trying to hide from shit he can't even talk about. There's so much hate and anger in his eyes, it's scary. The difference between us, is I don't deny the truth.

I did push everyone away and close the door behind me to hide in my room, and my dad did raise him more than he raised me, but it still hurt having it thrown in my face.

I'm going to be 24 years old soon, I don't know if we'll ever be able to have the brother sister relationship that I want for us. I don't know what to do anymore, and as much as I will always love him, I don't know how much more of this I can take.