sinking like a stone in the sea.

My anxiety is so fucking gnarly, I need a days notice just to be able to try and function normally..........

I have gotten a lot of positive words from my friends, after posting something to them. Nathan called me the other night and I was crying throughout the entire conversation, Its sucks being so depressed that you don't even know how to reach out to your best of friends, He reminded me he loved me, and he promised me he wouldn't give up one me. Leigh reminds me just about everyday she loves me. I need to hear it, and It sucks that I don't know how to just say it anymore, it just takes so much, but I do, I love my friends.

I'm supposed to hang out with Alicia today, I told my mom That I'm scared our relationship is falling apart, and Losing my best friend of 10 years is that last thing I want right now. I know she loves me, But I just need to hear it. I'm in such a fragile state that not hearing it makes me think that it doesn't exist anymore. I don't know how to fight to keep anyone around. But I'm not willing to lose my best friend, A.M.A it used to be us against the world, we used to have this energy this confidence when we were together, we could make a 10 minute car ride the most amazing thing in the world, I don't feel that anymore. I'm not gonna say that surprises me, Monique was amazing, losing her sucked the life out of all of us. It changed everything. I hope Alicia and I can go through this loss together. Because I love her like a sister, we have lived together, celebrated birthdays, Christmas and Easter together, We have been friends through the loss of my father and her sister. We never imagined losing Monique. I hope our friendship can survive through it, even though I am barley surviving.

All I have left to offer is Love, The love I hold for all my Friends and Family. Its still there. It will never go away. and all though I may not have a whole heart anymore, I love with all the pieces of my broken heart.

A part of me died with Monique, its undeniable. But I am still here and I open my eyes and remind myself to breathe everyday.