Autopsy report

It's about that time, we will be hitting the 3 month mark, and I guess that's the turn around time for it to be finished.

Ive fashioned this idea, why she died, It doesn't bring me comfort or bring any justice to why My beautiful 22 year old sister's heart stopped beating, But I feel the doctors are to blame, for over medicating her, and treating her "as if" and not "because".

I'm terrified, as terrified as I was seeing her for the fist time since saying goodbye to her in the i.c.u, because she still felt soft and I held her hand and it still felt warm, but in the casket, she was cold, and I knew they had ripped her open and filled her up with something, that wasn't blood or a beating heart, and I was terrified to see that Monique, she was still beautiful she still glowed.

We said are good byes and lowered her into the cold ground..

still not knowing what really happened, still with these ideas, Ive been open to most of my friends, and some strangers about what happened, I need to talk about it sometimes, to remind my self its real and not some fucked up nightmare.

But if im wrong?

Those pieces of paper will tell it all, every detail of what was in her body, what scars and cuts she had, It will tell us why Monique Marie Rosaz died at 22 years of age, leaving her mother, Me, her brother, aunts,Nana, cousins and a gang of friends who absolutely adored her for everything she was behind.

I will always feel incomplete, no mother, brother, friend, boyfriend or child of my own will ever fill my missing half, we were one egg and it split, she is half of me and I am half of her.

and now I'm waiting on these papers, to break my heart some more, to suck the air out of my lungs and make my already heavy heart, almost unbearable to carry.


I am terrified.