Yesterday I got a text from my friend, who I often text saying "hi, I miss you and I love you" she tells me the same and she is busy and wishes she had a car, then she has a car and wishes it worked well enough to come my way, then finally I get a text saying something like" I'm sorry I'm not there for you, it just hurts so much to see you, you remind me so much of her (mo) and I just wanna cry when I look at you" I was very understanding about it, told her its ok, But I cant change my face, I'm always gonna look like my sister.
Today my close friend tells me she has to find a place, her other place fell through, and she needs to get a storage... I text saying, My door is open, My garage can hold you stuff, Stay here, she says.. she cant its to hard to be at my house.
I don't try much, but those time's I did, I put myself out there, and in the end my feelings are hurt,
WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO FEEL ABOUT WHAT THEY SAID? I HAVE TO LOOK IN THE FUCKING MIRROR EVERYDAY AND SEE HER FACE, BECAUSE IT'S MY FACE TOO!!
AND I HAVE TO LIVE IN THE ROOM WE SHARED! THE HOUSE WE SHARED!
yes I yelled that and cried, all to my mom. who listened to me vent my hurting heart
I think it's time I take a break from some people, maybe they really need a break from me. I tried keeping myself around them as much as possible even though it wasn't much, and this is what I get in return.
Maybe being around me, is making the loss if Monique worse, and I don't want to hurt anyone.
I'm sorry.
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I'm grateful that I've never really put the twin thing in the perspective. Sure, I knew you guys were and the similarities were there but I grew to know you guys as different people, had different relationships with both of you, but loved you exactly the same.
ReplyDeleteWhen I look at you, I see Monique but not her face and when I'm in your house, I remember that she use to roam the halls but it doesn't suffocate me enough to avoid roaming those same halls.
You have only ever sounded like her once to me & it was the next day and you asked me if I was okay. Maybe you were suppose to sound like her at the exact moment.
I guess in some ways I can understand where people come from and in other ways I can't. We all have to cope, deal, and grief about this; our pain on so many different individual levels. Why can't we do it all together? Your face and your house shouldn't keep someone from being your friend, keep someone from seeing you and wrapping their arms around you.
Because sooner or later, a text message won't proclaim love and apologetic words. One day, it will just be a text message carry the same broken message.
In situatios like this, friendships cannot see fear, we must go wear our souls take us. My soul takes me to you, to hours sitting in your house, to opening her closet door and gazing at her clothes. To remembering that she was here, made a loving impact on me, and that she will continue to grow and love with me everyday. & that you will do the same with me, no matter the weariness of your heart.
because in a jaded world, real genuine love can't be mistaken and it will carry itself through anything.
Through still and even storm.
Jesus, that was a pretty good comment up there! You know what honey, it's unfortunate that some people use the excuse about how you "remind them of Mo" but your not Mo. Same genetic genes, but not Mo's personality. That's the beauty of twins, an angel makes two identical looking people so if one has to go help that angel with a good deed, people can still see that beautiful face in the other! I think people are lucking to know twins, because in your situation, people can always look at you, yeah they'll see Mo, but your are here, a living, breathing individual who will forever hold that pretty face you both shared. I feel nothing but gratitude to know that your here because the day we get to hang out, I will get to know you and know more about her, so therefore I am lucky because I get to know you both, through you. It is a hard thing to do, but you are begining to embrace that, and I am very proud of you!
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