like a two-by-four to the heart.

I have obviously been having a very difficult past 2 and a half months, and I have sank into a very deep depression that I have just seem to live with I guess, I have not tried to seek counseling, and pretty much just leave my friendships up to my friends.

I don't really know how many of them will put up with it, But I just don't know how to be a good friend anymore, Ive hit rock bottom so fucking hard it has left me paralyzed.

Today I thought I would try and do something for my mom and Alicia and get my mom's massage room back in order, so they could both start working out of it, That room was Monique's for awhile, It was meant so she could have piece and quiet when she came home from the hospital, I didn't want the computer or my sleeping patterns to keep her up at night, I kept meaning to move her bed back in our room when she got a little better, But I'm lazy. She died before I ever got the chance, that room doesn't have a bed in it, But it does have all her pajamas and a mess that's accumulated since her passing.

I started crying a few minutes into just sitting in the room and half way through organizing her stuff, before I knew it I was hysterical and still trying to fold her clothes, They smelled so much like her. I got up to try and calm myself down and checked my phone, and noticed my mom had called so I called her back and couldn't even get out words I was crying to bad, she rushed home and made me get out of the room. By the time I got to the couch I was having a panic attack and couldnt breathe, I eventually calmed down.

I told my mom I didn't think I could hurt much more, but that's when she said "honey it just hurts more sometimes, like a two-by-four to the heart"