My unhealthy sleeping patterns are back.....actually they never really left. But Tonight they are bothering me. I'm tired, emotionally and physically. But my mind is not finding comfort in sleep, it is sending me off in a haze of nightmares, it's making life ridiculously depressing, both awake and asleep.
I spent the day out of the house, for the sake of trying, I enjoy the people around me that truly do just want me to have a good time, Middah kept talking about all the old times, watching the three of us go to shows, and how much we were all so alike and yet so different, it was nice to reminiscence, but some moments I just wanted to start running, from it all. I spent the majority of the time with Brittany and Michael, I talked with Brittany, and I was honest when I told her I don't understand much about relationships. I never really have, I seem to rebel against the thought of them.
The thought of trusting one person in particular, with intimate moments, and believing that they love you, despite all of your flaws and downfalls seems terrifying to me, But I will admit, Sometimes I wish someone would put there arms around me, and make those moments when I feel alone, not so lonely. But I'm negative, I'm angry, I'm pessimistic, and have spent many years of my life building up walls around myself. Who wants to fall in love with that? It's not that I don't believe in true love, it is just a rarity, not everybody can have it, and I'm not going to settle for some false version of it, that is if I'm even capable of loving/being loved, to that extent.
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