soon to be 6 monhs without Monique.

Ive been down so long it looks like up to me.

I don't know how much longer getting up everyday and just breathing will be enough, I feel this need to do something with my life, I'm not sure I will ever be ready, though, I want to be ready. I am so proud of my Mom, how she continues to keep her life moving steadily astounds me, She keeps going to work, keeps going to church, keeps livin'. All while carrying an enormous load of pain with her, and still loves, and laughs. She truly amazes me, and I want to be able to amaze her. Today Alicia moves to Long Beach, I told her the other day how proud I am of her, she has gone through so much with the loss of her own sister, and best friend she loves like a sister, yet she continues to do great things in her life, she reminds me that she stopped doing alot when she lost her sister, and not be to be down on myself, that I will get back up on my feet live my life again. I thanked her for being such a positive example in my life, She took her pain, and turned it into something, She pushed through that wall and is starting a new life, she is determined to make her family and friends proud, even if some of those people are not physically her to see it.

We did a test run on her move, I helped her settle some of her things into her place, and even accompanied her to her first job interview in Long Beach, no I was not by her very side, but I was sitting across the street wishing her the best. She felt bad she left me outside for over an hour, but I did not mind, becasue as I helped her by just being there, she helped me, By getting me out of my comfort zones, I was face to face with strangers. I was around life. Yes my anxiety was off the charts, but I need to see what it looks like to still be alive. We were laying in her bedroom floor and she told me she already missed me, and is sad that I would soon be replaced with Niya, not that that is a bad thing, I understood what she meant, she wished I was ready to take this step in life with her. I do to, I swear one day I will, one day.


I know they will never say it to my face.

But Ive been a disappointment to a few friends. I can feel it.