I don't wanna hear you say, that it really shouldn't be this way.

I'm tired of feeling, like I'm just not doing enough, like I'm not trying enough, like I don't understand what my friends may be going through, the past 6 months are really making me open my eyes to friendships, people, and family. I feel so distant from Nathan, and it didn't start when Monique died, it started when she got sick, It makes me sad that I don't even know how to talk to him anymore, because I know the reaction, and I'm tired of just being shrugged off and made to feel like its just me, I'm watching some people in my life destroy there lives, give up on talents, grow distant from me, for there own sake, and I need to wake up and stop holding the blame on myself, I know I fall apart and I know everything breaks me sometimes, but I stopped taking pills and I'm proud of that, I want So badly to just down a few, and not have to feel anything, to be numb to it all, but now I face people and life with all my senses intact, and that is fucking hard. I write as a release for me, to help me cope when it feel like my mind can't take another fucking ounce of thought.

last night was horrible, I went to a show for my friends, and was ignored and barley acknowledged, I ended up in Manteca face to face with a person I once hated, I was looked at like a ghost by one, I was completely avoided by the other, until I just asked him why the fuck he couldn't look at my face, I had no idea how our first meeting would go, But I didn't think yelling would be involved, I don't think we got anywhere, but I'm proud of myself, I had a bottle of Jim beam in my purse and not once did I allow that bottle to try and make me feel better, the night ended horrible and I cried so hard my body still aches, but I don't have a cloud of guilt looming over my head because I was drunk, I learned that sober or not, I will break down, I will hurt more than some will never even imagine. But if I have a few people, who are just willing to LISTEN and remind me of the good time's and share a laugh with me, it gives me hope, even if it's porcelain.