Sometimes I wonder if not seeing me, will make never being able to see her agian, easier.

Ive just awoken from a series of horrible dreams, with different story lines, but the same endings. I was searching for Monique, at the end of the last one I was going criminally insane, I couldn't figure out were she was, why I could not find her, I called everyone in my phone, just trying to get a answer. Eventually I woke up, I felt uneasy, I kept trying to fall back asleep, thinking maybe I could find her in my dreams, maybe hear her voice, but it didn't happen... is it possible I'm losing her from my dreams too?

I spoke to a councilor yesterday, I don't think I will last more then 3 sessions, I didn't realize she was a christian councilor, I do believe in god. But I have no faith. I don't think the help she can give me, is the help I'm looking for. A few months ago, I was talking to someone about how stuck I feel, how sometimes I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I just don't know how to reach it, But I realized I'm not in a tunnel at all, I'm stuck in a maze I sometimes see the light at the exit, But then before I know it, everything is black again, and I'm walking into walls.

I've never had much sense of direction, help me. I have hit a dead end and I seem to have lost my map.