you and me.

Some people spend there life searching for there other half, and I mean in more than just in the sexual love way, everyone wants to have that person that makes them feel whole, be it a best friend, or husband/wife. I was born with mine. She was my Identical twin sister. The day she took her last breath part of me died.

10 months.

10 months ago today, I became a different person and and suddenly I had to start experiencing life all over again. Because suddenly everything became something without, everyday there is a missing piece. These 10 months have been the most challenging Ive ever experienced and at times I thought "I just can't do this, I can't live without you" I have laid in bed and waited for my heart to stop beating too, because I swore it was impossible to live without her. I still have nightmares, anxiety, I still cry all the time, and lose my breath. But I also still laugh, dance, and know how to love. I never thought those things were possible. I know the rest of my life will never be the same, I will always be missing my other half. I am a different person now, we all are. Monique's departure from this earth took pieces of everyone's heart.

But I know now, that I can't consider just opening my eyes in the morning a battle won. I am slowly oh so slowly trying to figure out what to do with myself. I know that there will still be times were I think I wont make it, But so far I'm still alive and I need to start living.

But so far I'm still counting, I still know exactly what this day means, 10 months without Monique.

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places, I would.

2009

February 28th 2009, 4something pm was the last time I saw her alive.

I'm not ready for this year to be over. The world forgot to stop with me.

Merry Christmas Monique.

I'll dig my grave and wait here for you till the end.

I'll never learn

as I laid on the couch hungover and depressed on Sunday, I realized I was exactly in the same place as I was a year before, to the day. The only difference being Monique was dead now, and not sitting on the couch with my head in her lap telling me I would be ok. When will it be to much, when will I learn, grow, change?

these approaching holidays have made me unbelievably more lonely, I remember being a kid, My moms side of the family spent Christmas eve, and my dads Christmas day, soon after my grandpa died in 2000 things changed, and they've been changing, This will be the first Christmas without Monique, and both families have given up all Holiday tradition (my dads side has basically given up on life), But I will not give up yet, and My mom and I will be throwing our first ever Christmas eve party. In memory of Monique.

These sentences slip past these ghost town images of my sundays

I'm losing my mind, one day I might just snap and all that will be left is the shell of me, my mind will be gone. Because soon it will no longer be able to hold all the thoughts I have, it will confuse my memories with dreams and I will no longer be able to know the past from the present. Last night I read and old aim conversation and the things it said brought tears to my eyes, my heart started pounding and I thought I might stop breathing, but then suddenly the tears stopped and my breath steadied, and I stopped feeling, the hurt, the anger, the sadness.


maybe I'm turning into a robot, maybe my heart really is stone.

like a broken clock.

In about 4 months I will be turning 24, and that feels like the weirdest thing to me. Because I still feel like I'm 22, because even though those pages on the calender keep turning and the arms on the clock keep moving,and my heart is still beating,something in me is dead, a major part of me just stopped when they told me her heart stopped and along with Monique, it never started again.

It's really unfair, because I have such wonderful people in my life, and all they get are pieces of me. Friday night I went out with some of my closest friends, we had such a nice night until I noticed the jacket I had brought was gone, I instantly panicked, and made my way to my cousins car and cried my eyes out, because I had lost Monique's jacket, someone had taken it. I know whoever took that jacket had no idea how much it really meant to me, not that it kept me warm, but that it reminded me of her, that it was hers, and they just took it.

and my friends just stood there, watching helplessly as I cried, over a jacket, I wonder how much more they will put up with. My cracks are starting to show more and more.

and I feel like a broken clock.

December 6, 2008.

I never thought I'd see this photo again, I don't know if I'll ever see her face again.

your the reason I can't forget this season.

Spring, summer and fall have all come and gone, Winter is currently passing me by just like the rest of them. Were has all this time gone? I don't have much to show for it, other that more tattoos and some drunken nights, the only consistency I can keep in my life. My mom bought me a dream catcher today, We found it at the mall. My bad dreams came back, I knew they would, I found myself wondering were they had gone, not that I missed them, Ive just had this fear they would approach at any given moments sleep. and they did. My mom is spending so much time keeping busy that I can see it wearing her out, but she just can't stop, because in those quite moments alone, she breaks down, there is no bigger loss than the loss of a child, and I hate that my mom has to carry such pain, She tells me how grateful she is for me, she said it's very hard for her to see me have such bad days, that when I do good it lifts her up. I'm trying to do better, But I feel like I'm turning myself into a robot. I can barley concentrate on much, my mind is constantly drifting.


.... in the worst of thoughts, I find myself thinking about her, the coffin, whats left of what we buried that day, I think about Monique's last days alot, not to be morbid, but because those were my last days with her, I didn't want to leave her, and even when her heart stopped beating I still tried my best to take care of her, I remembered her favorite cardigan, her boots, down to a little bottle of whiskey, that was the last thing I ever gave her, but it's nothing to everything she gave me in my life, she keeps me going, even though she's gone now, I'm still trying my best to live for her.

9 months without her.

Ive been filling this book with letters since March 9, 2009, the day she got lowered into the ground.



I miss you Monique.

8 months and 27 days.

I fear my need to make something of my life, will in some ways do me harm.

I have never dealt with death in a healthy manor, I just turn myself off, push my pain and grief way down, and pour beer, whiskey and wine on it to keep it in it's place. The only person who understood this was Monique, I'm afraid I will do it to her, push it down, in order to keep going, turn myself off to the loss of her, and go about my life, choking on the emotions I don't know what to do with. Because when this time of night hits, and everyone is asleep, I'm here awake, fighting it, trying to keep the pain at bay, pleading for it to not overcome me, and I sleep, and wake up and keep livin, keep lovin, keep breathin, But there are moments (usually filled with amount of that beer, whiskey and wine) were it turns on me, and I can't keep it down, I end up drowning myself in it. I break down, get messy and cry myself to sleep. (repeat)

I don't want to push her away, in order to keep livin.

and I'm scared.

whiskey.

somewhere it all went wrong, I should have stayed home....

I should have never even tried to be apart of his life. She's dead, I'm alive.


what's the point now, it's to late.



I have bottomed out and my future doesn't fit into my schedule.
I'm all booked up on depression and self-loathing.

8 months and 18 days

Sometimes it feels just like yesterday.


sometimes it feels like years.


sometimes I hide under the covers and pretend it never happened.

Ive lost my voice trying to be heard over this noise.

Thinking about how much everything is/has changed, is still overwhelming. Today I met a friends grandmother, who had only seen me in a photo and heard the kind things Brittany has said about me, and she was so sweet and loving, After one hug and greeting I realized how much that woman reminded me of my Grandmother, that brought peace to my heart, because it has been a year since Ive been in the presence of my grandmother, I got a little emotional on the way home. I miss that woman very much, and I can't help but feel, that if Leukemia had not ended her life, she would still be going strong, cooking, sewing and teaching me the meaning of unconditional love.

I like to think I'm doing my best at life, but after a conversation with my cousin I'm doubting myself, it only took one question, what happened to all your close friends, what changed? my response...... Monique died.

constantly I find my self wondering what I should do more of, I always feel like I'm coming up short.

"you wont find Monique at the bottom of a whiskey bottle"

My moms right, but I'm sad, lonely, depressed and angry, and the two people I really want to spend time with well, one is dead and the other decided to moved 8 hours away from me.


and I know I wont find the company I want, in a whiskey bottle or jug of wine, But right now, they are more accessible.

and I know that bottle of whiskey or jug of wine wont take away my depression, or my anger.


But, I just don't wanna feel anything for a little while, I just wanna break from all this pain I'm feeling

so I at some point in the next few days, I will find me that bottle of whiskey or jug of wine, and I will take a break from it.

sinking.

The holidays are as dead as the people I want to spend them with, But as much as I wish I could just hide under the covers and wait for them to pass, I have my mother, and we will do our best to make it through this first holiday season without Monique.

I find myself just wanting to stay in my hole, the one I dug 8 months ago, i find nights to be the worst, alone in my empty room, It's when I face everything all over again, alone with my tears and my notebook full of letters, full of words I want to say to her, the stuff I never got a chance to say, it's like a song stuck on repeat. Other times I write all the things I can't say to anyone else, and then the anger rises and I can taste the bitterness, because that notebook fails to give me the comfort of the sisterly advise I long for. We never seriously ever really talked about what we would do if one of us lost each other, It's a miracle Ive made it this far, without my other half.

My true story about recliners,

It started about 9 years ago, My grandfather took his last breath sitting in his favorite recliner chair. Soon after my Grandmother donates it to the goodwill, it being to painful to keep.


My father got in a horrible car accident a few months before my 18th birthday, he comes home unable to walk, wheel chair bound, My aunt buys him a recliner chair to make him comfortable, he died 3 weeks after I turned 18.

My grandmother got Leukemia, she is to weak to walk up her stairs to her house so she moves in with my aunt pat, she receives a gift one day,a brand new recliner, soon after we find out her Leukemia is terminal, and she is brought home to spend her final days with her family.


My sister, she spent some time battling an addiction, she goes to rehab, and comes home 30 days clean of pills and still very weak and tired, I get a phone call one night, she tells me my brother dragged in an old recliner my moms boyfriend left in the garage, because she wanted to sit in it, she tells me to hurry home, she doesn't want to be alone. About a week or two into being home, her health gets horrible, because she goes off pills with no medicine, her chemical imbalance sent her brain into overdrive and she has to spend a night in mental health (I thought then, that this is as bad as life can get, I was wrong) while there they find she has a high fever and rush her to the hospital, after what feels like forever we find out that she has a urinary tract infection that went septic, almost killer her. we bring her home and nothing gets better, I make her a foot stool for her recliner that won't recline, and she spent the rest of what time she was awake sitting in that chair. laughing some days, crying others and some days just spent in silence, she ends up back in the Hospital, were she was pronounced dead February 28, 2009 5:01pm

Alicia is my only friend that has never made me feel crazy about my Recliner storys, she brought me home from the hospital that day, we walked in the house and took one look at that chair and lost it, we went crazy, we dragged it out crying and left it for the trash.

I never want to own another recliner.

bitter.

Everything that I am misses my sister so much, that sometimes I wake up not really comprehending that she is gone, all I know is that I need to find her and hug and tell her I love her, then reality sets in, and I remember she is gone.


I went to the cemetery today for the first time in a long time and I shoved pretty new flowers into the ground, becasue now the only thing I can buy for her, are fake plastic flowers.

and that makes me bitter and angry.


and I will never be ok with any of it.

these days, and those days too.

why can't I just relax, leave the past behind?

The pages on the calendar keep turning, the sun keeps rising, and setting. My heart keeps beating and I'm still breathing. I can still throw party's, go to concerts, dance, draw on my eyebrows, get tattooed, be there for a friend, lend a shoulder to cry on, and listen to boy troubles, life troubles, good times and fears.
I will still be understanding when someone disappears from my life for months at at time, and welcome them back with open arms. So why do I feel so afriad to live, when I'm already living, I can still do all the things I did with Monique, even when she is not here doing them with me, even though these days I get anxiety so bad I feel like my heart will rip out of my chest. My problem is doing more, I feel I will never amount to anything else, that this is it, a once a month house cleaning job, a few kick backs, drunken nights, concerts, dinner dates and maybe a movie night or two. A year since Monique has died is fast approaching, the only good I have done since is apply for one job and stop abusing pills.

I feel like a prisoner to my grief, to this life. I fear anything new.


I know I'm alive, but I don't feel like I'm living.

this is it.

Today is officially one of the first holidays without Monique, I know it's just Halloween, but every Halloween since I can remember, we spent it together, most years even dressed up in the same costume, two angels, two witches, two clowns. I can't help but feel emotional today.

I have a long night ahead of me, and I am determined to not let anyone see the worst in me, to not fall apart and cry. Because it happens alot, drunk or sober, I get very overwhelmed in large situations, when I take a step back and really digest that Monique is not a face I will find in the crowd. I want my friends to have fun, and enjoy the night.

I have come to terms, with the fact that I have not come to terms with Monique's death, I am haunted by horrible nightmares on a weekly basis that leave me awakening screaming or crying so intensely that I get headaches, My mom is the first person I talked to about these growing nightmares, she and made it very clear that I am holding myself somewhat responsible for what happened to her, and that I need to realize she is gone.

So you see, when I'm out, being productive, enjoying a beer. I am doing my best to be alive, I'm giving it my all to not bury myself in my problems. When I say I am ok, it's for the moment. If you take a step back and ever want to see further in my life, I'm not ok. But I'm willing to admit it, I'm willing to try and have some fun.


But I know these up coming months, they are gonna be painful, So tonight I hope I can have some fun, and not fall apart, I'm so tired of people seeing me cry.

yesterday, today, tomorrow.....

My fisrt night out with Nathan, didn't really go as I thought, we didn't even really have a conversation, just small talk. I really don't know what I'm going to do.

I had a really tough morning, it being a year since my grandmother passed away, I really just wanted to stay in bed all day and hide, not having Monique made a already sad day, much worse. But I still got ready to go see dead mans bones, Phuong had a extra ticket and of coarse I knew who would enjoy the concert as much as I would, so Nathan joined, tonight went a little better, as much as I am mad at him and hurt, I really do love him, I find when my friendships leave me to feel like I'm not good enough, I just want to throw in the towel, I know nathan and I will probably never have the friendship we once did, But I don't know what to do, just pretend like he didn't just walk out on my life? and re appear when everyone tells him he should call me, or spend some time with me.....

it's all to much for me to stress over at the moment


On our way back from the city, we passed the hospital, I looked at my phone and noticed it was no longer October 27, 2009

it was October 28th, 2009...... 8 months down, the rest of my life to go.

untitled

The end of this month is keeping me busy, and I don't mind. party prepping is stressful and fun. Last night I hung out with some friends, and we drank lots of pbr and I smoked lots of weed with someone I used to go to high school with. We watched a black dahlia murder dvd and just partied, it was fun, we laughed and talked and it was a much needed un planned event.

Today I called my aunt pat, Tomorrow will be 1 year since my grandmother (her mother) passed away, and Ive been wanting to just call and remind her that I love her, it's been a year and my aunt is still buried in her depression, she wont leave her house, she is lost. I fear I will end up like her. Alone, angry, bitter and depressed for the rest of my life.

(I'm going out to dinner with Nathan tonight, and I don't know if I have the courage to look him in the eye and tell him how much he has hurt me)

Dear Nathan,

Good friends don't tell you they will always be there for you, and then disappear from your life.

If you can't take me for all that I am, then you don't deserve to be apart of my life.


I don't know if I will ever be able to consider Nathan as more than, just someone I used to know.

What happens when you love what you've lost?

Ive been crawling out of bed everyday, Defeated by routine, I rest my head by 3am, toss and turn and usually check the time around 6:45a, and eventually throw the covers back and start another day by 2pm, I thought moving my room around again might help, but soon hopefully I will realize that if it didn't work the first time, it wont work the fourth. I thought I'd change things up and instead of watching greys anatomy for 3 hours I would sit in my room and listen to this Cd Leigh made for me after Monique died, I found it under a stack of empty cd cases, I haven't listened to it since I played in at her viewing, I just sat there, while vividly remembering that day, the flowers, the people, I would not leave her side, even while she was laying dead in a casket. Finally my mom had to walk me outside, I was crying, She said I needed to get some air, she practically had to carry me out, it was a big church, walking away from her casket felt like miles.

a few songs in was just some good ole Johnny Cash, and I realized the month, and that this time last year I spent everyday with Monique while we took care of our Grandmother who was dying, My grandma spent her last days with her headphones on, listening to Johnny Cash, I would just sit in the room with her, and I could hear the music. Looking back, those were really sad moments in our life, watching our grandma slowly fade away, Monique's health start to go downhill, not knowing that her addiction was as bad, or maybe just not really wanting to see it was as bad. Then I look to the present day, and how I now look at those days as better days compared to today, now not only am I missing and mourning the loss of my grandmother, I am also missing and mourning the loss of Monique. Back then, I never would have thought this is were my life would be a year from now.

and I have a feeling, Monique never would have thought she would be buried 6ft underground when she was 22 years old.

overwhelmed with emotion

I don't know why, but I'm hurting more tonight, I'm feeling it all more tonight, I want to make something of myself, but I'm afraid all I will ever be worth is a few good weeks, then I start to fall apart, have more vivid nightmares. I get so angry at Nathan, to think about how he just walked out of my life, making me feel like I'm not good enough. I get it, I'm broken, I'm jaded, all I can ever say is I'm trying.

I like to think of myself as a strong person, but sometimes I just need to cry, Because I'm hurting.

October 17, 2009.

I really miss Monique, and I have nothing more to say.

I started to really think about everything,

I don't like too, so I stopped.

I don't know if I will ever be able to say that I have come to terms with my sisters death, or that I except it. I know she is dead, I get it. I feel it, I live it, but I don't like it.

There is so much I need to talk to her about, and although I still do, it will never be the same, it is not enough. There parts of me that only she got, there are emotions and things I could only convey to her, and unless you are a twin you will never understand exactly what I'm feeling, It's something I have to live with the rest of my life.


I will always be incomplete, I'm missing a piece of me, a person who Ive never once been without. I'm afraid I'm always gonna be grasping for something I know I will no longer have in this lifetime.

just as I am.

I only see her in my dreams now, I can hear her voice and it feels real, so why must they be so horrible and haunting? why must I constantly re live everything.


I'm miss you Monique.

help me live.

The month started well,

I can't seem to point out an exact moment were it went wrong, But anxiety is telling my mind something is just not right. I have that anxious feeling were I feel the need to fidget and I think my heart is going to rip out of my chest, I could be in the middle of drawing on my brows and I start to feel like I'm having a heart attack, but I remind my self it's just my anxiety, roaring through my life like a tornado. I'm still holding high hopes for a job, knowing everyone would be so proud of me.

I felt the need to hide under my covers today, I wanted to hide, in hopes to just escape from everything, if only for a few moments. after realizing I could not fall asleep like I wanted, I slowly peeked out behind my blanket, expecting some terrifing monster to be hovering over me, I found nothing but the silence of my empty house, I gazed at the walls, that I so tirelessly re arranged the posters on, at my dresser and closet, at how this room never looked like this when Monique was alive. Sometimes I feel like I'm being held hostage to my pain in this room, that I shared with Monique for 3 years. It was ours. It's filled with our stuff.

I never leave her side of the closet open anymore, sometimes I will open it for a moment and pull out a sweater and hold on to it real tight, it's all I have left now. I feel so empty without her presence in my life.

this room, her clothes, I still have, those memories those moments, I still remember. But I need more now, I need to make more memories.


I need my sister back.

(Well I've tried, god knows that I've tried)

Sitting duck
Running out of luck
And i caught up on the train crossing
How are we ever gonna know peace
How will I ever see a life through the tress
I wanna burn down everything we begun
I wanna kill it and eat my young



my anxiety came back, with a vengeance.

trouble loves me.

So last night I realized how awkward I can be in some social settings, I went to java with a smoothie craving and left with a headache. Upon entering I ran into someone I had not seen since Mo's funeral and got the much hated "concerned look" and ran right into some douche from high school who made it seem like I was some ridiculously fat hag back in the day, by the way he was complimenting me. I mean fuckin A man, I don't look that different and while I was trying to avoid him I ran into a java regular who knows me because I was always at java hanging out with Alicia, and he proceeded to ask me how Monique was doing.... I just responded with "Dead" and went to the bathroom to catch my breath, I mean fuck. That was exhausting.


I applied for a job I really want today, I haven't had the confidence to do something like that in a really long time, I've been keeping busy and tonight I just want to rest and think about Monique, I started talking to her every night before I go to sleep.

I don't know if this change in mood is good, or a sign that I'm just trying to shove everything to the back of my mind and live in some fantasy world Ive created in my head, I wonder if one day I'm just gonna snap and I will be found at the cemetery in the middle of the night trying to bury my self alive.

Stand by me.

These past few days, I can say I have been feeling ok. I started working out, and trying to eat a bit healthier, focusing on the good that's left in my life, I'm applying for a job on Friday, and just having the confidence for that is so new for me, I am trying to find the words to talk to a friend, and tell him how he is hurting me, But his hurt, it's not dragging me down.

Reading through my posts I feel the need to call out a few people,

Alicia,

I love you, we have been through it all, and I know, we will be through more,I know you will be apart of my life when more of it comes crashing down. I hate that you live so far away, But you are family to me, and I love you with all that is left of me. I can't wait to see all the beautiful things you do with your life, we have grown up together and continue to grow. por vida

Leigh,

Our friendship has grown so much, I just want to say thank you, you have not given up on me, I have been honest with my feelings, and at times that hurt you, but here you are still with me, growing and learning, I will never be able to see the world through your eyes, But I'm glad I have you, to simply form sentences that remind me the world is still a beautiful place. I love you with all that I am, and I thank you for always being here with me, at my best and at my worst..... through still and storm...... you have been here for me.

Phuong,

You keep it real, I remember when Monique was sick, you got up at un-godly hours to take her to the clinic to make sure she got the help she needed, at her worst you saw the best in her, and you have done the same for me, I love you. and will always remember what you did for Monique, and what you still continue to do for me.

Beano,

although you live 8+ plus hours away from me, you have continued to stay apart of my life, you are someone who will always be with me, and I will always cherish you.

Michael,

You were there when I didn't even have words, just tears, to keep me seeing the bigger picture, you gave Monique a camera she always wanted, you took care of me when I was drunk, so Mo could run around and not worry, just have fun. thank you.

Brittany,

Our Friendship is new and growing, it's safe to say I never gave you a chance in the beginning, I know Monique was always around to show you a good time, and I'm glad you were able to be apart of her life. You have been a very positive influence for me as of the past few months, thank you for being here to listen and to help me through. I hope our friendship continues to grow.

Paul,

I didn't like you, I overprotected my sister. I never gave you a chance, But I'm trying to now, and I am doing this for Monique and for me, I know you will never love another woman the way you loved my sister, you will always be apart of Monique's life....... and now I'm letting you into mine.

Nathan,

you have made me feel like nothing more than an obligation, someone you just need to "check in" on, a long long time ago I asked you to never treat me any different for a broad, but you have, and you lost a part of my trust that you will most likely never be able to have again, I will always love you. But you have hurt me.

I have many other friends that I very much love and appreciate, and just because I did not state there names above does not make my love for them any less. I spent some time reading all of my older posts, and I still stand by the quote "time heals nothing" it's not time that's "healing" it's my family, friend's and my own personal strength. I will never be the same, I will always have a broken heart. But to those of you that have seen me as a whole, when I feel like I'm just pieces.

Thank you.

Outside the glass.

Today has been my third day of working out, I am in the process of applying for a job, Ive been trying to focus on the brighter sides to my life, and I know I get easily caught up in the bad, but as of right now, I'm keeping my head above water.

I do have a friendship falling apart, but I don't feel like catching the pieces, and I need to find the courage to tell Nathan that he just has not been the friend I have needed, he filled my life with so many empty promises, and I resent him for it, I know he will find a way to put everything back on me, which is why I have not been able to talk to him, I don't really know what the future holds for our friendship, he has already lost some of my trust, and I know no matter what, our friendship will never be the same, but I guess that's just a part of life.

as my mom and I were walking to the car after dinner tonight, we saw a big semi truck and she said they always remind her of my dad.

and I thought

I feel really lucky to be the only person to ever accompany my father on his first long haul truck drive, I will always remember that day.

I will always remember the last time I sat with my grandma, and how she held my face, told me she loved me, and called me her angel.

I will never forget the day Monique was being evaluated in the hospital, when they finally just wrote her off as depressed. The doctor asked her if she has a reason to live, and she looked up at me, and pointed, She looked at the doctor and simply stated "she is my reason to live" .

Those are moments in my life that keep me alive.

7months

flooded with all the memories of this day 7 months ago.

late nights, and cold wine.

Nothing hurts more than empty promises, for what it's worth I always had my guard up, I always knew he would end up like the rest.

I'm not perfect, but can't you see?

to me, it feels like I'm being left all alone, I had a twin sister, now she's dead.

A best friend who was never more than a 10 minute car ride away, now she lives 5 and a half hours away.

another best friend, who said a whole lot of wonderful things, promised me he would always be here for me, but the last time I checked. When you call a friend and they tell you they are depressed and lonely, you don't sigh and say "oh well I was just calling to check in".

Those three people were a constant in my life, so much is changing now.

I have been depressed for much longer than these past 6 months, my world started falling apart October 27, I watched my sister struggle with addiction, and the more she fell apart, the more I fell apart. Watching her deteriorate and not know what was wrong, killed so much of me, Spending weeks at the hospital watching those doctors not do a damn thing, killed me. Feeling her grab my hand because she was terrified, and being helpless, killed me. I was supposed to make her better, I promised her she would get better. Those months, I was miserable, but I knew when she got better, I would be better.

Before February 28, 2009. My purpose in life was to take care of My sister, to make her happy and to live, to get a job and by us stuff, to get tattooed and watch her take photo's, to hang out with friends and to take care of myself.

things changed, and I'm grasping, and gasping and struggling, and failing and falling. I don't want the world, I just want to learn to exist the best I can, I just want to want to wake up, I just want to want to make something of myself.

that's all.

fading into the background

I need to stop trying to fight this loneliness, I can't expect someone to drop everything to come sleep in the same house as me, because I've never spent the night alone. I need to adjust to my life, get used to being alone, at the times that I never was. I never thought that one day I would lose my twin, this young. I don't even know were to look sometimes, I don't know what to grasp to, I am fighting all these emotions and they are getting the best of me.

falling in and out of life.

I'm scared that so much of me died with Monique, that eventually nobody will even know me.

Lavender Chamomile Sleep.

ups and downs. story of my life.

October seems to have a gold lining for me, Brand New, Manchester Orchestra, Dead Mans Bones and a Halloween Extravaganza, I would give anything in the world to have Mo here with me, to experience all this good, But since she is not, I will make sure to take it all in and enjoy every moment for her.

after showering I found this bottle of lotion that has been tucked away for the past 6 months, When I was being a good sister I would lotion Mo's feet after I showered her, she really liked having lotion put on her feet, she was to weak to do so and it brought her comfort, but sometimes I wouldn't, not because I didn't want to, but because I hoped that she could do it herself, I wanted her to be strong again and In my mind depraving her of something she liked might help her. it didn't. After almost 6 months I decided to put on this lotion, and the scent just brought back a wave of all this emotion and memories, I remember once she was laying in bed and she asked me to put on the lotion and lay next to her, I did. and she feel asleep promising me she would get better.

and now I'm sitting her, wondering if I should take another shower, to remove this sent.

I have some problems that I don't even like to share with myself, I hope one day, this weight on my shoulders gets lifted. My body is starting to ache as if I'm carrying the world.

burnt toast.

Ive noticed I'm falling into a deeper depression, were my body starts to ache for no apparent reason, and I have little to no ambition at all. Sometimes when I'm laying in bed I get lost in my memories, then I focus on now and when I realize Monique is gone, it feels like someone is holding me down and suffocating me with a pillow, I become paralyzed by my grief, I don't feel her presence in my life as much I would like, and sometimes I get angry at her, she had to know I couldn't get through life without her.

I always see commercials going through a checklist of depression symptoms and I always find myself sitting there thinking "yes, yes, yes....." but all the medicine there peddling is for chemical imbalances, I don't have a chemical imbalance. I have a broken heart, and I don't know if time will ever heal this one.

our love to admire

I find myself awake at 4:05 am, going through old photo's that bring back a rush of good memories, leaving me to stare at one photo at a time, trying to remember the details, basking in Monique's smile, a smile I miss more than anything in the world, I was replaying old photobucket videos, I just wanted to hear her voice again.

not only do miss her, but I miss me too.

alone with everybody.

I don't feel much of a connection with my writing anymore, before it was such a release for me, I felt like I was lifting some weight from my heavy heart, but it almost feels like a chore now. I knew it wouldn't last, nothing ever does.

forget the night ahead.

change, some of us never will, some of us don't want to.

I've been angry lately, at people at life, at the entire world. Some of us just can't find the good in the word, we are to consumed by the bad, but I don't think it makes me a bad person. I just carry a lot more anger than others, and I have every right too.
I hope that one day, the anger and hate will subside, But I never expect it to go away entirely. I still know how to love and have love to give, just not as much as others.


maybe one day that will change, maybe it wont.

The life I have lived has made me the person I am today, Ive lost so much, so fast, so terribly, and I don't want to lose anymore.

December 24, 2008

It's hard to believe that 2 months after this photo was taken, her heart stopped beating, and was to weak to start again, it's hard to believe that her liver was failing, and we wouldn't know until 5 months later. Her face may not have a beaming smile on it, but she still shines, so beautifully.

I need to make something of myself, for her.

no use now.

Research on NON ALCOHOLIC STEATO HEPATITIS
symtoms:
1. Neurologic changes (Hepatic Encephalopathy)
1. Altered Level of Consciousness (Delirium, coma)
2. Decerebrate rigidity (with severe cerebral edema)
3. Personality change
2. Jaundice
3. Coagulopathy
4. Bleeding (e.g. Gastrointestinal Bleeding)
5. Acute Renal Failure (Hepatorenal Syndrome)
6. Hypoglycemia
7. Acute Pancreatitis
8. Cardiopulmonary failure
9. Ascites (due to Portal Hypertension)


tiredness, weight loss, and weakness may develop.

luid accumulation in the legs and abdomen, mental confusion, and jaundice, which may ultimately require liver

Altered consciousness is also a sign in patients with FHF. Mental changes occur within 2 weeks of the onset of jaundice in most patients. The patient may become somnolent and/or confused and may respond slowly to painful stimuli.

Causes:

1. Infectious Disease
1. Viral Hepatitis
1. Hepatitis A
2. Hepatitis B
3. Hepatitis C
4. Hepatitis D
2. Bacterial infection
3. Rickettsial infection
4. Parasitic infection
2. Toxic Hepatitis (drug or Hepatotoxin exposure)
3. Ischemia or shock
4. Budd-Chiari Syndrome
5. Idiopathic Chronic Active Hepatitis
6. Wilson's Disease (Acute)
7. Microvesicular Steatosis (Fat) Syndromes
1. Nonalcoholic Fatty Liver
2. Acute Fatty Liver of Pregnancy
3. Reye's Syndrome
infectious diseases, hepatotoxic drugs, toxins, metabolic diseases, and ischemia are the main causes of FHF

fuck.

I guess I forgot to keep my friends from falling off.

Here I am, alone and lonely.

don't get me wrong, I know I have a handful of friends, that will always be here for me, but I'm not doing my part anymore,maybe if I had a steady job I could go see Alicia and spend time with her, maybe if I wasn't so broke I could afford to actually treat Leigh to dinner for once. Maybe If I would have listened to Monique more and actually called my friends, I would be getting ready to go do something on this Friday night instead of sitting her filling this box with words, because I'm lonely.

If there is one thing I have succeeded at since Mo's passing, it is to successfully push people out of my life, So many have tried, people who didn't really know me, but wanted to, to try, to be a friend to me, But I decided to take the easy was out, and just push and push......... I guess I never really considered the end result.

maybe I should have.

Can you find love through a telescope?

Last night after spending time with two of my best friends, I realized my mind was still spinning with thoughts and such, so I pulled out my Journal and decided to put my pen to paper and write Monique, I know I can no longer find comfort in her company, all I have is a Journal now, and instead of having conversations with her, I write her letters, I will do this for the rest of my life, however long it may be.


today, my heart is feeling extra heavy, and I just want to hide under my covers.

nothing else mattered,it was us against the world.

Now it's just me. I wake up everyday, afraid to live. I need to make something of myself and the rest of my life, I'm just afraid, of the unknown. Sometimes people lose so much in there life, they no longer fear anything, but I'm still afraid. I'm afraid of living the rest of my life without Monique, because Ive never known life without her until now, and I don't like life anymore, what if I never do?

I don't wanna hear you say, that it really shouldn't be this way.

I'm tired of feeling, like I'm just not doing enough, like I'm not trying enough, like I don't understand what my friends may be going through, the past 6 months are really making me open my eyes to friendships, people, and family. I feel so distant from Nathan, and it didn't start when Monique died, it started when she got sick, It makes me sad that I don't even know how to talk to him anymore, because I know the reaction, and I'm tired of just being shrugged off and made to feel like its just me, I'm watching some people in my life destroy there lives, give up on talents, grow distant from me, for there own sake, and I need to wake up and stop holding the blame on myself, I know I fall apart and I know everything breaks me sometimes, but I stopped taking pills and I'm proud of that, I want So badly to just down a few, and not have to feel anything, to be numb to it all, but now I face people and life with all my senses intact, and that is fucking hard. I write as a release for me, to help me cope when it feel like my mind can't take another fucking ounce of thought.

last night was horrible, I went to a show for my friends, and was ignored and barley acknowledged, I ended up in Manteca face to face with a person I once hated, I was looked at like a ghost by one, I was completely avoided by the other, until I just asked him why the fuck he couldn't look at my face, I had no idea how our first meeting would go, But I didn't think yelling would be involved, I don't think we got anywhere, but I'm proud of myself, I had a bottle of Jim beam in my purse and not once did I allow that bottle to try and make me feel better, the night ended horrible and I cried so hard my body still aches, but I don't have a cloud of guilt looming over my head because I was drunk, I learned that sober or not, I will break down, I will hurt more than some will never even imagine. But if I have a few people, who are just willing to LISTEN and remind me of the good time's and share a laugh with me, it gives me hope, even if it's porcelain.

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world feels depopulated.

6 months, half of a year, I haven't even been able to say this out loud yet. I don't know how Ive made it this far, and I don't know were all these months have gone, But I find it terrifying to know, that I have lived 6 months without the presence of My sister, to know that the person who was created with me, the person I spent 6 months in my mothers womb with, the person who I then grew to know and love for 22 years, is now gone, and I still fight the fear that, that was it for me, that I will never be able to wrap my arms around her, and tell her just how much I love her, I hold on to my last moments with her, holding her hand, she was dying and we didn't know it, yet. and at her weakest with barley any strength to breathe, her last words to me was "are you ok?", well Monique, I'm not. I am not ok without you.


I will try my best to go on, but I feel like I'm still sinking, I know I will never truly come back from this.

I also found out tonight that my 5 year old cousin Melina has swine flu, I know that it's contagious, but when I saw her, and that tired sick look in her eyes, I could not help but to hold her, and pray to god that her body can fight such a deadly disease. Please, god.

sometimes, a wave of sadness and grief hit's the shores unexpectedly.

I'm drowning without her.

Bad dreams and broken glasses,

My glasses broke, they always break in those ways, were you find your self sitting there thinking, what the fuck just happened? the arm just fell off, I thought maybe the screw fell out, that's fixable. But no, the metal stripped. I'm just fucked.

I was upset, and moody, especially since I haven't been sleeping well, so I put on a depressing cd and crashed for over 12 hours, and had a series of bad dreams. I know why I don't sleep well, It's not because I can't. It's because I don't want to. Id rather just deal with sleeping every few hours here and there than fall into a deep sleep and have to wake up from bad dreams, that are really just different versions of my reality.

Heaven knows I'm miserable now.

My unhealthy sleeping patterns are back.....actually they never really left. But Tonight they are bothering me. I'm tired, emotionally and physically. But my mind is not finding comfort in sleep, it is sending me off in a haze of nightmares, it's making life ridiculously depressing, both awake and asleep.

I spent the day out of the house, for the sake of trying, I enjoy the people around me that truly do just want me to have a good time, Middah kept talking about all the old times, watching the three of us go to shows, and how much we were all so alike and yet so different, it was nice to reminiscence, but some moments I just wanted to start running, from it all. I spent the majority of the time with Brittany and Michael, I talked with Brittany, and I was honest when I told her I don't understand much about relationships. I never really have, I seem to rebel against the thought of them.

The thought of trusting one person in particular, with intimate moments, and believing that they love you, despite all of your flaws and downfalls seems terrifying to me, But I will admit, Sometimes I wish someone would put there arms around me, and make those moments when I feel alone, not so lonely. But I'm negative, I'm angry, I'm pessimistic, and have spent many years of my life building up walls around myself. Who wants to fall in love with that? It's not that I don't believe in true love, it is just a rarity, not everybody can have it, and I'm not going to settle for some false version of it, that is if I'm even capable of loving/being loved, to that extent.

oh no I tried

Do I? I say I do. But those are just words, words that are nothing more than sound.

Ive been told I'm a strong a person, emotionally speaking. It's days like today I feel the need to question that. I'm not working, not looking, not trying. I'm putting good thought into finding a job, but I can't remember the last time I heard someone got a job by all the good thought they put into it. If I was really trying I would be working on a new resume, but instead I gave up when I couldn't remember how many times I worked at Spirit Halloween, trying to put dates and years together just brought back all the memories of those time's, if I start getting lost in those days I will most likely just become a ghost of who I am. Getting lost in days that only exist in my head now.

Whenever it gets close to the 28th of any month, I can feel the sting of loneliness set in even more, here I am, still counting the months. Wondering if I will still be some sad excuse for a human being a year from now .


probably.

Nana, I'm Amber.

I Spent today with my Nana, I love her, she is my family. We lack a close relationship though, But I tried my best to have a conversation with her. She has a fading memory, so I know she meant no harm when she spent the day calling me Monique. I would let a few slide, only correcting her to remind her I'm Amber.

I will never have with my Nana what I had with my Grandma, I could see the love that woman held for me when she looked me in the eyes, and although I hardly even make eye contact with my Nana, I know she loves me too.


Tonight I could feel this sense of bitterness settle in me, I think being called Monique all day today is bothering me more than I'm willing to admit to myself. I feel like im going on autopilot.

soon to be 6 monhs without Monique.

Ive been down so long it looks like up to me.

I don't know how much longer getting up everyday and just breathing will be enough, I feel this need to do something with my life, I'm not sure I will ever be ready, though, I want to be ready. I am so proud of my Mom, how she continues to keep her life moving steadily astounds me, She keeps going to work, keeps going to church, keeps livin'. All while carrying an enormous load of pain with her, and still loves, and laughs. She truly amazes me, and I want to be able to amaze her. Today Alicia moves to Long Beach, I told her the other day how proud I am of her, she has gone through so much with the loss of her own sister, and best friend she loves like a sister, yet she continues to do great things in her life, she reminds me that she stopped doing alot when she lost her sister, and not be to be down on myself, that I will get back up on my feet live my life again. I thanked her for being such a positive example in my life, She took her pain, and turned it into something, She pushed through that wall and is starting a new life, she is determined to make her family and friends proud, even if some of those people are not physically her to see it.

We did a test run on her move, I helped her settle some of her things into her place, and even accompanied her to her first job interview in Long Beach, no I was not by her very side, but I was sitting across the street wishing her the best. She felt bad she left me outside for over an hour, but I did not mind, becasue as I helped her by just being there, she helped me, By getting me out of my comfort zones, I was face to face with strangers. I was around life. Yes my anxiety was off the charts, but I need to see what it looks like to still be alive. We were laying in her bedroom floor and she told me she already missed me, and is sad that I would soon be replaced with Niya, not that that is a bad thing, I understood what she meant, she wished I was ready to take this step in life with her. I do to, I swear one day I will, one day.


I know they will never say it to my face.

But Ive been a disappointment to a few friends. I can feel it.

I'm at my best when I'm at my worst

I hurt someone's feelings, with my honesty. I never meant to hurt anyone's feelings. But being honest is something I pride myself in. Lately times have been tough, it's undeniable, I have been trying to make the best of some situations. I know when I'm at a gathering Monique is always missing, I know that some songs are sad because she is not here to sing them to us, But I don't need to be constantly reminded, I wake up everyday knowing exactly that, and I am not perfect, I have brought some moods down, But I've been trying to better some things, trying to enjoy what I have, I always know what I don't have. I asked a friend to be my emotional support and I don't think she liked what I was asking, when I said this is a big step for me, I was made to feel like she was feeling exactly what I am, and that's not the case. Ive told many of people that our pain is each our own, and it is, But I was reminded today that know matter what, my pain is more, now should I feel bad for that? no.....

why feel upset becasue I have more pain, I would never wish that pain on anyone, I wish I could make that understandable, I was trying to ask in the nicest way to be strong for me, so I could be strong, and I was called a hypocrite and asked to not take out my frustrations on someone, when I was just being honest, honesty hurts sometimes, I have been hurt by it before.I feel like Ive been stabbed in the back, I have been made out as the bad guy. I was really hurt when I found out not only was my mom brought into this, so was my aunt, these two woman are my family, and I need them to help me through, I feel selfish for acting this way, but I never thought I would be made to feel like this.

I spent an entire day in bed sobbing, feeling like I failed in some way, I finally talked to my mom, and told her I get jealous, that she tells my friend she loves her more than me, that I really needed her and she was not there for me, and that hurt her to hear, but we talked through it, I listened to her and she listened to me, and that is how you get through the hurt and misunderstandings, that is how I would have liked things to work out last night, but instead of sending a phone call my way, it was sent to my mom.

and I don't know what to do now, because I feel this lack of trust.

fuck, fuck, fuck.

I can't remember the last time I was this angry.

I had a bad night, didn't handle my self well, before I could try to talk to my mom Leigh was already calling her, I cried over my frustrations, wishing she could understand me, but then the T.V got in the way, Ive been trying to sort out the shit over flowing my mind and heart, I saw my brother drop my moms phone so I thought I would take it to my moms room, and noticed she returned Leigh's call, and then Leigh sent her a loving text, The problems was ours, and if anybody should talk to my mom about it, it should be me her daughter. Instead of my mom reaching out to me, she reached out to Leigh.

Fuck, that really hurts, Leigh has a mom to talk too, a sister who loves her and a Dad in her life, I got a Mom, who would rather return my friends phone call, a dad and sister 6ft under ground and a brother who is still trying to understand my life.

SORRY if I'm feeling a bit bad for myself, I'm just a fucking hypocrite who takes my frustrations out on others.

at the bottom

For some reason I have been not been sleeping well at all, I used to to be able to sleep about 14 hours and I know that is unhealthy, but now I'm lucky if I can sleep 8. I can't find a middle ground, I toss and turn for hours. I have spent the last few nights just laying there and falling in and out of sleep, but I have yet to sleep soundly.

I ordered tickets to go see some of our(Mo and me) favorite bands play Brand New and Manchester Orchestra, I may not have Monique to go with me, But I'm lucky to have Alicia and Leigh.

This week has barley begun and I'm already feeling it end, Ive known that Alicia is gonna be moving soon, But I'm starting to feel it more. I'm not ready to see her leave yet. I'm still hurting from the loss of my sister, I still need her here. The longest Ive gone without spending time with her as of these past few years has been about 2 weeks. When I think about this time last year, I remember good time's and Alicia and Monique, we will always be AMA but, a lot has changed. Change is undeniable, But I'm finding it difficult to adjust to these changes. I really would give anything, for one more wild night, With Alicia driving, Mo in the front seat and me in the back, driving around, laughing, singing and talking about just about anything, Those were time's that were ours and ours alone.

those were time's that were taken from us to soon.



POR VIDA

Porcelain hope

The more I hope, the more I end up hurt. the hope I hold onto is fragile.

I have been unable to fall asleep lately, my mind starts to race the second the lights are off, always about Monique, the good, the bad, the horrible, the super amazing once in a life time moments. All of them. Ive been trying to get to know the person I am now, but we don't seem to be connecting. I don't think I can spend the rest of my life living in days that only exist in my mind, but If I could I would. I know I need to try and establish myself in reality sometime soon, get a job, a bank account, maybe even learn to drive. The past five years of my life I have been knocked down so much I don't know up from down sometimes. I'm just constantly grasping at anything to keep from falling again.

I can succumb to all the tragedy in my life, or I can overcome it, and do something amazing with myself. This is the constant battle I'm fighting. I see that light, I'm just afraid soon I will turn a corner and be left in the dark again.


....I just want to make her proud.

oh Brother.

My brother and I have never had a perfect relationship, I actually stopped speaking to him for awhile, but February 28th 2009, he was who I ran to and cried the words "brother, she is gone". We have since been trying to build a better relationship, you see I love him, no matter how much he has hurt me, It's something called unconditional love. My mother taught me what that was, I don't always like him, but the love I hold for him, is great.

He lives a dangerous lifestyle, and the trouble he gets into, is all brought on by him and the people he chooses to call his "friends". I remember once we were talking and he told me he doesn't believe in friendship, that family is all we have, and I had to strongly disagree with him, because I love my family, but the friends I have been so honored to have in my life, are my second family, the family I have found on my own, and when he looked up at me that day, I saw a sadness in his eye's. Because he has yet to find the friends Monique and I have.

Tonight I found out he has received his second DUI, his first one was last month, he also just got a gun pulled on him last month too, now when he is partying down the street, I stay up till the noise has lessened, and I know he is off running some other streets. Because when I know he is in our hood, and I hear gunshots, while others are laying low, I am running outside, to make sure my brother didn't catch the bullets that were flying. If that wasn't stressful enough now he is deciding to drink and drive, not only is that dangerous for other drivers it's dangerous for him, Tonight I asked him what's gonna happen next time, when it's not the cops stopping him, it's a tree or another car?

I don't want to watch my brothers casket get lowered in the ground too.

Sometimes I wonder if not seeing me, will make never being able to see her agian, easier.

Ive just awoken from a series of horrible dreams, with different story lines, but the same endings. I was searching for Monique, at the end of the last one I was going criminally insane, I couldn't figure out were she was, why I could not find her, I called everyone in my phone, just trying to get a answer. Eventually I woke up, I felt uneasy, I kept trying to fall back asleep, thinking maybe I could find her in my dreams, maybe hear her voice, but it didn't happen... is it possible I'm losing her from my dreams too?

I spoke to a councilor yesterday, I don't think I will last more then 3 sessions, I didn't realize she was a christian councilor, I do believe in god. But I have no faith. I don't think the help she can give me, is the help I'm looking for. A few months ago, I was talking to someone about how stuck I feel, how sometimes I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I just don't know how to reach it, But I realized I'm not in a tunnel at all, I'm stuck in a maze I sometimes see the light at the exit, But then before I know it, everything is black again, and I'm walking into walls.

I've never had much sense of direction, help me. I have hit a dead end and I seem to have lost my map.

Throw me that lifeline......

I've decided to seek some help, and tomorrow at 1pm I will be siting in front of a councilor for the first time in 3 years, except for the very first time ever, this choice is mine, Ive been to a few councilor's in my life, but it was always something I had to do. I always resented them and found there guidance to be no help at all. I didn't understand or comprehend how a stranger could identify with my problems. They have never lived my life. How could they possibly help me?

I still am not completely sure they can, But Ive never been this lost before, Ive never felt this empty. and I find myself grasping at whatever I can, to help pull me out of this stormy sea Ive been drowning in for the past 5 months.

I don't want to sink to the bottom of the ocean just yet.

don't forget to breathe...

when will I feel satisfied with this mess Ive made of my life?

when will another friend have to watch me lay in my own vomit?

these questions have been weighing heavy on my heart, I've hit new levels of rock bottom these past five months, for some reason I am determined to make everyone in my life hate me as much as I hate myself, I can't seem to connect with the persons eye's I see in the mirror anymore.

It's true. a major part if me died with Monique 5 months ago.

Now I can either kill off whats left of me (and no, that doesn't mean what it sounds like) I mean I can continue on this life of self destructive behavior, I can keep drinking large quantities of booze and wake up covered in my own puke, take as many pills as I can get my hands on, and push away all the people that are trying there best to love me. But I don't want to, I'm tired of being so fucking lost and sad. I know Monique is gone, and nothing can or will bring her back to me. But I need a change in my life.

I can't keep going the way I am, It hurts to much.

Last night I consumed more than I could hold.

I just want someone to put there fucking arms around me, I'm lonely.

It's been 5 Months now, and we finally have the answer.

Ive been sorting through all the details since Sunday. Trying to fully digest everything, I don't think I ever fully will.

To put everything into simply terms, Monique died from a form of Hepatitis I still have a hard time even saying (Fulminant Non-Alcoholic Steato-Hepatitis) her liver was three time's the size of a normal liver, and her heart was starting to overcompensate, which is why after 22 years it stopped beating.

The month her health was at it's worst, we were made to believe she was just depressed, she wasn't eating, she was weak, so all they did was pump more antidepressants into her, we kept taking her to the hospital, all they had to say was she was dehydrated. Now I find out, she was dying, her liver was failing and they never did a thing about it, they never even knew(we never knew) and it took a coroner to find it all out, The what if's and should have's will get me nowhere



(she just wanted to learn to live a sober life, she just wanted to feel better again)

I miss her, I wish I could have saved her. If I had known I would have done anything, I would have given her my liver, I would have given her my heart.

3:43am

I'm afraid to fall asleep, in fear of the nightmares I will have.

I have spent the last hour alone in my room, reading pages of sentences that have brought back the shock and pain that occurred February 28, 2009 (5:01pm)

Going over those words, I felt like I was standing in the I.C.U all over again, gazing at my other half, who lie there, with no more life left in her.

and it's killing me , to know that someone I love so much, was at one point in her life just a body covered in a white sheet, with a number tagged to her, so someone could cut into her, and try to figure out why the air stopped flowing through her lungs.

(it hurts)

that packet finally arrived in the mail

Final Pathological Diagnoses:

Monique Marie Rosaz, a 22 year old hispanic female died as a result of Fulminant Non-Alcoholic Steato-Hepatitis.


(I still don't fully understand this, I'm still trying to digest it all)

Alicia Marie Magana

I will be somewhat lost when she moves to Long Beach, She as been the one person who understands me the most. Who doesn't make me feel sane, Because we are both crazy. These past few days, Ive fallen deeper into my whole, I've left all calls unanswered, and the few texts I have received, have felt as empty as the bottles of whiskey leftover in my room. My mom has gone to bed, without a word to me for the past two nights, and lately when I have tried to close my eye's to sleep, I end up sobbing into my pillow, for what seems like forever. I find myself angry, at the entire world, my vocal cords have been put to rest for day's at a time, I was starting to wonder if I even need them anymore, and then I got a phone call, caller id: Alicia.




thank you.

your hand in mine

I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a stormy ocean, being taken down by the tide and struggling to keep my head above water.

The things no one knows how to talk about.

I am not ok, I am not dealing with the death of Monique well.

I find it very hard to except she is really gone, I came across an old home video from 06' I saw her alive for the first time in almost 5 months, my heart stopped, and I sat in front of the t.v, wishing I could just jump inside and put my arms around her, I sat there just wanting to hear her voice, I kept rewinding the beginning of the dvd, were she walks into the garage door, hoping that any second the front door would swing open and she would walk in, How could someone as amazing as her be gone?

I don't know how much longer I can go, without her.

buried by the fear of these thoughts

Ive been unbearably depressed the past few day, it's nothing new.

But after a visit to a few old folders of photo's I find myself unbelievably angry, after punching my mattress and crying into my pillow, I decided it would be better to write exactly what I want to do, other than do it.

I want to smash every piece of glass I can find, I want to find every doctor that ever took care of my sister and slit there throats, I want to find the bastard that stuck the tube down her throat and hold his head under water, I want to slap everyone in the face that has ever told me time will make this all better.

I don't want to feel all this pain anymore, I don't want to feel so alone anymore. I'm so angry it hurts, I'm so sad, it hurts. I'm so fucking lost, it hurts.

Return to sender.

I feel like a damaged package, once marked fragile, that was never handled with the care it was needed.

Last night Nathan drove us SF to meet up with Josh and check out a band called graveyard , it was nice, other than losing 10 bucks and being called Monique, I know The guy didn't mean too, But when he said her name its like the world stopped, I thought maybe just for me, But I looked over at Alicia and could see it stopped for her too, I thought I would be ok, I was 4 pills and 3 beers deep, But before I knew it My eyes were filled with tears and I was gasping for air.

I know I need to do something with my life, get a job, make something of myself, I don't care enough about myself to do it for me, But I need to do it for the people I love.

These past months I find myself falling into a unhealthy relationship with pills and booze, I only used to drink to party, and the same with the pills, now I can't be around a crowd unless I have some form of anxiety pill in my system, usually followed by anything else I can get my hands on. I'm not proud of it, and I have alot of respect for people who don't need any of those vices to get through there life, The only scary part is, I see the problem, I know I should cut back, But I don't want to, and I find myself anxious when I know the little box on my dresser is empty.

I'm falling apart

I'm being left behind.

this is about her.

Tonight,I put my face on and left the house.

went to a birthday bash for Chantel, drank a little, danced a little.

Towards the end of the night I found a couch near were Alicia was sitting, some dude was chatting her up, asking about her tattoos and all that, he introduces himself to me, and asks me what my favorite tattoo is, I tell him the portrait of my sister. which was not showing.

He looks at me and says "oh your sister Monique?" yes, her, he knew who we were, not just us, her. I don't think he knows how much that meant to me. He was a stranger to me, we are not myspace or facebook friends, But he knew who she was.

I guess you have to be me, to really know how nice that was.

I kept repeating my self to Alicia on the way home, I told her how much I missed having someone to tell everything to when I got home, we were sitting against a wall at the party, talking about Monique. She said she wondered if people can see how empty she feels now, without her. We wonder if Mo knows how much she brought to our lives, how lost A.M.A feels, she will always be the M, but its a lot different now. I sat back and watched everyone dance, I saw the smiles on there faces, I miss being Happy.

But I will admit, a complete stranger knowing who my sister was, by name, It brought this little bit if joy to my heart, I hope she can see it, I hope she knows that complete strangers know who she is, I hope she knows people look up to her

I hope she knows that a lot of people are proud to have known Monique Marie Rosaz, and that some us, saw her without eyebrows and laid in bed with her, when she was down and out, made pinkie promises,tattooed her, bought her tigers yogurt and bought her Bukowski books, painted her pictures, wrote her letters, made her cd's, served her plates of chicken nuggets. enjoyed just being in the presence of her, She was simply amazing.

I'm very grateful to be apart of her, she is and always will be amazing. I am proud to share a face with someone who wasn't afraid to wear gold lame and get her hands tattooed at age 20, she lived the life she wanted. and although she had a lot of life left to live, she affected more peoples lives, than those who are still breathing this air.

God knows, your on my mind...

Sometimes I find myself looking at bottles of lotion, perfume and sticks of deodorant(we once shared) and wonder how they somehow managed to outlive a human being.

and I become angry with objects, angry that I'm left with all this stuff, and I dont have Monique to share it with.

I miss sharing with her.

M.M.R

I am browsing the Documents on our computer, they are all Monique's notes, songs, aim conversations, ideas, books, quotes, websites, tattoo ideas..

I can relive events, hear her voice and laugh.


I miss her, so much.

1958-2009

I stumbled onto Michael Jackson's Celebration of life, live on VH1 today.

I don't personally feel affected by his death, yes he was an Icon, he was musically very talented, I enjoy his music very much.

But my heart goes out to his real friends and family, because he was more than a superstar, He was a Father, son, brother and friend to many people who knew him for more than his musical hits.

I had a difficult time watching it, seeing his family, his friends, his casket, Knowing the pain of his children and siblings.

I got myself a new journal today, and feel the need to cut back on my online writing, and start keeping my words personal, between me and Monique.

...they will not give her back to me...

This photo was taken by Monique at a park in Monterey, about 5 years ago, It was a few months after our father died. The two of us sat at bench and talked, for hours. We sat there and remembered him, talked about all our regrets, fears, loves, sadness. She brought me so much comfort, so much love. I remember how much I enjoyed just sitting next to her, watching her taking photo's.

I have been surrounded by family for 5 days, I see my friends very often. I'm am very lucky for that, But the other night as I was laying in bed, I realized that it doesn't matter who, how many or how much love I have for the people I am constantly surrounded by. I still feel very lonely. The day before I came home I was at the warf with my mom, and we had a nice day, I sat at a table looking out at the ocean and hoped Monique could see it, wished she could feel the wind on her face, My mom and I were on our way back to the car and I sighed, wishing Monique was standing next to me, I was avoiding a certain area because of some guy preaching on the top of his lungs and yelling at people, then suddenly I heard some guy playing the guitar, and it caught my attention instantly. I stopped and realized he was singing a Manchester Orchestra song from there new album, and My eyes filled with tears and I got the chills, That was one of Mo's favorite bands, and I am always wondering if she would like there new album. I think I got my answer.

One of her favorite place, one of her favorite bands, Maybe she was standing next to me, I just didn't know it.

a little sleep and peace of silence.

I'm leaving for Salinas again in a few hours, this trip will be spent at my Nina's house, and my mom will be with me this time.She really needs to get away, she has barley begin to mourn the loss of her daughter, she keep's herself buried in work and everyone Else's problems.

I need some time with myself, I find these little get away's useful, because I feel so lost and disconnected from the world, and even more with myself.I have completely lost touch with ME, I feel like the ghost of a total stranger sometimes and that's terrifying. I want to look in the mirror and know who is looking back at me. I know this wont happen over night, or in 6 days, fuck maybe not even 6 years, but maybe one day.


I will always be missing so much of myself without the living breathing physical presence of Monique, nothing will change that, I just hope one day, I will feel like I really know the person that's left of me now.


Its been 4 months since you left me.

mayfifthtwothousandfive

as I was sitting at sho mi's having dinner with a friend, I saw a man that reminded me of my father, I spent the rest of my evening focusing on his face, I wished I could have seen my father age, instead I said goodbye to him at the age of 47. I was a few weeks into being 18 years old, I look at the person I am now, and Its so different then I was five years ago.

and I fear who I will become now, that Monique has gone. I'm afraid of what I will look like 5 years from now, if I will still see her face in the mirror with mine, if I make it to those older ages, what will I feel as I look at her youthful face, and then at my wrinkled one?

we used to get ready together and occasionally both glance up at the mirror and still be shocked at how much we looked alike, and how much it creeped us out sometimes, I know my friends see us as different people, and can always tell Amber from Monique, But I do miss looking up into a mirror and seeing her face, a face that looked just like mine.

4 months.

I wonder if I will ever look at a calender, and not see the 28th as a reminder of the day my life changed forever.

will I spend the rest of my life just counting down months and years?

I blame myself for my sisters death, even though we still don't know exactly why, we know how, she suffocated, on vomit when they tried to incubate her, because of the food I fed her, minutes before. Why was her heart so weak it wouldn't start beating again? was it because of the anti depressants I gave her everyday?, was it because she didn't like to eat a lot, and I could only get her to eat one small meal a day? I know nobody blames me, and I shouldn't blame myself, but I do. I never really talk about this much, because it is a burden I know that nobody can lessen the pain of.I have been told many of times to seek counseling, and when a person tells me that, I take a mental note to not reveal my major pains to them anymore, because they would probably just rather me seek "professional" help. But you see, if professionals couldn't save my sister, I don't expect them to save me.I don't want some college degree doctor to sit in front of me and tell me what they were taught to tell me.


I miss my sister, I miss her advise, love, voice, laugh, style. I miss the comfort of her presence. I miss our arguments.

I miss cooking for her, I miss waking up to two beds in my room, with one being occupied by her.

I hate drawing on my eyebrows now, I find that sometimes I even dread it, because when I look up to check if they are even, I know I don't have her to look up too for approval. I remember one day, I was hungover and tired and just could get them on right, I got so frustrated I started crying and she calmed me down and grabbed some q tips and her eyebrow pencil and she fixed them for me.

I couldn't apply her makeup for her services, I don't have that kind of strength. But before she was viewed, I made everyone give us a moment, and I powdered her face, touched up her blush, applied some pomegranate burts bees and sprayed her with her favorite perfume. I knew it was the last time I would ever be able to take care of her.

I hope she is happy, that's all I ever wanted for her.

young girls, ain't supposed to die on a Saturday night.

Today, I'm finding it hard to except that Monique is gone.







I feel empty and lost, and even in a crowded room I feel alone.

oh mother...

I don't know if it's me, or her.But she hasn't brought me the comfort she usually does, she has been cold, and mean.I know I don't have a job, and I can't afford my own soy milk and special k, and that never used to be a problem, but now it is. I woke up from 14 hours of sleep today, feeling shitty, that amount of sleep never really amounts to anything good, I ate my breakfast and started cleaning, I came across Monique's photo dvd and decided to play it, and cried, after I turned on rilo kiley and cleaned the rest of the house, crying. I knew my my mom would probably call me on her lunch break and hopefully make me feel better, well she called, and proceeded to just ask about my brother, im sorry, but I'm Amber not Mario. Then she tells me she wont be home till very late, and she could tell in voice I wasent very happy about that, all she had to say was " well, you have had company the past few days" I dont even know what that was supposed to mean, should that make me feel less alone today?



I heard Monique's voice in a dream I had last night, I don't have the energy to write about the whole dream, but in part of it she had called my cell phone after I had taken a long drive somewhere and all she said was "Amber, I miss you."

I miss you too, Monique.

The days run away like wild horses

Today was my first Fathers day since my dad passed away that I didn't go to the cemetery. I was being selfish, just thinking about myself. I didn't want to visit the ground he is under, I didn't want to see is headstone, I miss him so much, and sometimes I get angry that, that's were he is, his soul may not be there, but his physical self is, I miss his hugs, and his love. It was also because Monique is not here to go with me, I knew my heart was not up to visiting the ground of the two people I miss the most, My stomach turns when I think if them down there, how there beautiful faces, might not be so beautiful anymore. But then again, I will always think they are beautiful.

Ive been so lonely lately, and the past 4 days Ive been surrounded by friends, its not that there company is not enough, Its something beyond that. I am watching everyone strive to live the life they were not living before, because they have seen just how short life can really be, they are moving out of town, pursuing new love. Because they don't want to leave this earthly life, knowing what they "could have done".

I on the other hand am not, I don't know how too yet, and I know that's ok. I mean its not even a full 4 months yet, I am still hurting so much. I am trying to be a good friend, to listen, to praise, to be happy my friends are doing all these wonderful things, knowing they carry Monique's memory with them, the other night a friend of mine told me he thinks about Mo every day, and that brought my heart comfort just to hear those words, But I will be honest, I see them all doing these wonderful things, and I can't help but feel left behind.


Having Alicia back in my life, is something I am very grateful for. We may have only not spoken for about 10 days, but that's a lot for us. She made me remember a lot of things I was starting to forget. I know that not all friendships last forever, but I'm starting to believe that's not true with people in my life, at least I'm hoping that. Because I love, with a true kind of love, and I give so much of myself, and honesty that, the friendships I have built are something of substance, they are more valuable then any diamonds or gold.

and I hope no matter were they live, what they do for a living, or who they are in love with. They know I love them, and they let me know they love me.

We all have our faults, our fears, we are all in some ways selfish. But good friends love you through it all.

I really miss, what really did exsist.

I wrote a 3 page letter to Alicia. But instead of just being able to hand it to her, we hugged, and cried.

and for once, she promised to fight to be apart of my life.

The past few Months of my life have been a fucking roller coaster ride.

Alicia and I have a lot to work on. But if she is willing to try, then so am I.

I ended up leaving Nathan's party to talk to Alicia, we sat in her car and said everything that needed to be said, and it felt good. I arrived home to a package on my table with a 2 page letter, and very special photo Album of the three of us (Alicia,Monique and I) With quotes, she put a lot of effort, honesty and love in that entire package.


Por vida

Happy Birthday Nathan.

I will be attempting to leave the comforts of the Walls Ive built around me, and spend some time with friends I haven't really spent time with, in a long time.

I miss Monique, and I miss the friendship I used to have with Alicia.


But if its one thing I learned from the grief counseling I went to last night, is that everything I'm going through is completely valid, it's just some people aren't cut out to deal with it, Its sad to see major tragedy lead to more heartache, that could have been avoided, with just a little understanding.

In the loss of one friendship, I have learned to cherish the one that has grown beyond something it ever was, thank you Leigh.

I will always miss the ones that didn't stick around, miss the way they used to love.

But I will be forever thankful for the ones, that still love, just like they did 4 months ago.

loved and lost.

I haven't written on this blog for a few days, I tried, but I decided to delete it.

Ive written to Monique, but that's between me and her.

I think knowing I have people who actually "follow" my blog makes me hesitant. For reasons I can't seem to be able to define.

I'm sure I repeat myself alot, But I'm not writing for you, I'm writing for me, and I need to ease the pain of my thoughts now.

Last night I ended up going to some dive bar in Monterey, not looking as fabulous as I would like, I did not intend on drinking, until I saw Pbr on tap and thought, what the fuck.

My friendships between most of my friends are starting to feel very disconnected, I feel as if I can't even keep my best friend of 10 years in my life, how am I going to keep the one's of 5, 4, 3, 2 and 1 years.

I need everyone to understand that I am not, and never will be the same person. I was once a Twin, and though I still am, the struggle to wake up everyday a "twin-less twin" is something that has made me a different person.

in the past 4 months I have lost my Twin sister to death, and My best friend because of the death of my twin sister.

I have so much more I need to let out, to get of my mind and heart.

But I find myself hesitating and quickly backspacing it all away.

Salinas/pebble beach/ Monterey

I will be residing there the next 5 days.


I have made a promise to myself that I will not let what's going on between Alicia and I get the best of me, My main goal in life is to try and survive the loss of Monique the best way I can, that's it.

I knew this would change me, and I knew that not many people would be able to stick around.


But I still know what it's like to Love, and I will cling to that, and keep on loving till the last breath I take.

"amber I'm gonna do it, im gonna move outa town"

I received that Via text message from Alicia about 2 hours ago, and the tears have finally stopped, The anger is all that's left.

I understand life is full of changes, and I'm no reason to stay in any particular town, But I think something like a big move is worth at least a phone call, we are best friends, and you TEXT me that. It really hurts my feelings, I finally got the nerve to call, I just yelled, how selfish it was to think texting me that was ok, Its not. I expect more out of my friendships. I am going through alot in life and I know I'm not the only who lost, But Monique was my Twin sister, sorry if I expect you to be around while I go through this heartbreak.

Sorry I expect you to call me, to come visit me, Sorry I expect all of that out of you, sorry I don't call and sorry sometimes I'm so depressed and in such a fragile state I forget that you love me.

Alicia has hurt my feelings a few times this month, and I don't think friendships should hurt as much as this one has, It has been tearing me apart to see a 10+ year friendship fall to pieces, But I cant fight to keep her around anymore, Thats not fair for me.

I guess without Monique we are just a car without an engine, Its just not going anywhere and I'm not gonna be the one pushing a car all by myself.

I tried and tried, But I can't anymore.

so seeing as she always texts me the shit that needs to be said, I did the same, so she knows how unfair it feels.

I said that its obvious our friendship is not gonna make it, I wish you the best and I love you.

Because I do, I love her like family, But I cant be the one keeping it together.

It's up to her, and sadly, I know she wont fight to keep me in her life, soon I will be just someone she used to know.

It all sounds the same..

"I miss you, I love you, I want to spend time with you, It will get easier, time heals everything..."

Bullshit, Ive heard it all. So many empty promises.

I have so much respect for the friends that decided that there actions will speak louder than words, that have spent hours with me sitting in my house, wether I was crying or laughing at something funny we were watching, who have let me talk about Monique and who have sat on my bed and hugged me while I cried.

To the one's who have filled my life with empty promises, well, I wish you wouldnt have, and I also have this to say about some others, I know you will never forget Monique, now that she is gone, But why make me feel that you can forget me, while I'm still here?



Wednesday I visited the cemetery, and the grass has almost completely grown over the outline of the rectangle they cut in the ground to place her casket 6ft under, and again, I experienced a new pain.

I miss my sister, I miss my twin, I miss my best friend.

different day, same sadness.

well I filled this box up with everything that was overflowing my brain, and with the wrong press of a key all the words disappeared.

Ive been awake for 30+ hours and have no energy to re write anything so I will just leave it at this.

Today has been

good
sad
exhausting
overwhelming

................

I'm sorry Monique.

"Don't worry about me, just worry about getting yourself better.I love you"... Those were the last words I said to Monique, while I held her hand till they made me let go so they could send her off to the I.C.U. I watched them roll her into the unit and she waved at me and my mom.

Her biggest fear was dying in the same place our father died, I'm sorry Monique.

Lately I haven't been able to get that day out of my mind, going over all the details, all the what if's and things I wish I would have said. I'm sorry Monique.

I feel like I'm stuck in some fucked up nightmare, Today I fell asleep on the couch, and I'm no light sleeper, and all of a sudden I woke up, feeling wide awake, I just laid there calmly with my eyes open, facing the back of the coach. The sun was out and shining into the living room and it felt like a different day, suddenly I thought "maybe it really was just a fucked up nightmare" and I jumped up and realized that tiny itty bitty little hope I was trying to grasp to, was all shit, as I put on my glasses to see her memorial photo boards all around me.