1 year

There are no words to describe what I'm feeling.

hell and high tide.

I've once again slipped into a depression so deep I swear It's gonna drown me to death, I don't want to be in this kind of place. Tuesday I decided to start working out again, I wish I could afford the luxuries of a gym like a few of my friends. But I am still unemployed so that's out of the question, it's easy for me to get caught up in feeling bad for myself, poor me I can't go the the gym, or afford a trainer, poor me it's been weeks (and for some months) since Ive seen certain friends, Poor me I don't even have my shitty house cleaning job. I feel like a failure in every aspect of my life, I don't even know what made me think I could throw a boy into the mix.....If I try and take all this on at one time I will just continue to drown. So back to baby steps, I really hate working out, my entire body aches from depression, so I have to push myself, but getting three days done actually feels kinda good, and I'm taking a multivitamin. Who knows how long I can keep this up, but hopefully it can become part of my daily routine, and then soon I can start to gradually add in other stuff, work on my friendships, start volunteering as a teachers aide so my resume is not as dead as my work history. I don't want to get in over my head and If I look back at my many failed attempts I will just doubt myself (because Ive tried this before) but look were I ended up? DEPRESSED again. Sometimes I wonder how many times I have to fall before I take flight on my life again.

It's probably better I started this before Sunday, I can feel that day, it's burned in my brain, but maybe Monday morning(most likely afternoon) I can get out of bed and work out, and try to somehow get though another year without Monique.

trampled rose

When I first started this Blog it was the place I came too to find comfort in my loneliness, I think sharing it with the world was a bad idea, because I'm no writer, I'm just a sad girl looking for a place to release all the mess that's in my mind and broken heart. I don't mind that people read it, but I have found myself posting less and less because I don't want to burden anyone with my grief, But I'm still grieving and always will be, and I write when I'm at my worst because it helps me, I don't know how long I will continue to update this place with my life's mess, but here I go.

The majority of this month has been majorly bad, Ive been counting down days, weeks and months since the moment she was gone, not really knowing what I'm counting towards. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11......February hit and since then Ive been consumed with more pain, and as these weeks have progressed I find myself bursting into tears while doing simple tasks such as sweeping the floor and washing dishes, the change in weather reminds me of her, I think about this month last year, watching her get weaker and not knowing why, she died with no answers, and even though we eventually got some, they were not enough, but I guess nothing will ever be enough. I knew this would be a challenge, but fuck. Sometimes I find myself wondering if this is it for me, if I will die feeling this alone, a few friends stuck around(thank you), I'm still sad to see one of my friendships go, sometimes I wonder if he even misses her, and why it was so easy to walk away from me, because Its not like Ive completely given up on life. But my few attempts to better myself seemed to go unnoticed and all anybody ever seems to really see is my worst. With the loss of my sister it took just about all of my confidence, I still find myself looking in the mirror trying to find myself past my eyes, but all I see is a stranger, maybe that's why some of my friendships got lost, maybe they don't even see me anymore.

Steven Patrick Morrissey

Thank you for getting me through the past 8 years of my life

Lonely lonely that is me

Ive been so unbelievably lonely this past week ....(month...months?)it's adding up, waking up to an empty house, spending the day alone, making dinner and eating it alone. Sitting in my room alone. I really try to except it, and even try enjoying it. But fact is, I'm not used to being alone, I never thought I'd have to be. Monique was supposed to be in my life forever, and lately I'm becoming very discontent with my loneliness

don't you know I love you..

Ive lost count of how many times Ive woken up from a dream thinking Monique was still alive, they play cruel tricks on my mind, playing out her death as if it's just some life lesson, I woke up this morning just wanting to hug her, to put my arms around her and not let go, but by the time I opened my eyes and put on my glasses, I knew that was something that wouldn't be happening anytime soon. Sometimes I find it impossible to keep going, I just want to give my sister a fucking HUG, not visit a cemetery. This month is breaking my heart some more, I can feel the weight of time and it's taking me down.

self doubt

I still find myself waking up with my bad dreams getting the best of me. I just talk in circles, I'm gonna be 24 years old soon and I don't have much to show for my life, a high-school diploma, a series of shitty retail jobs, about 3 years of unemployment and one big broken heart. anxiety is constant, maybe if I could be more confident in myself I'd have more to show, but I keep coming up short, oversleeping and accomplishing almost nothing is basically how you can sum me up.

when will I find my sliver lining, when will I not want to end a day curled up in bed with the blankets over my head trying to pretend it was all just a lie? it's gonna be a year soon, I think it's time I stop trying to fool myself.

hey

I feel like my friendships are starting to crumble from the weight of my heavy heart. Some already have, as more time passes I feel the cracks forming in more of them. I just want to be happy,People in my life deserve so much more than what I give them. I want to be more, to love more, to feel like I deserve more.

carrying such a heavy heart is making me weak, I can feel it's toll on my mind and body.

You were good in your time

"Let the heart rest
Lay back your head
You were good in your time
And we thank you

You made me feel less alone
You made me feel not quite so
Deformed, uninformed and hunchbacked

Time takes all breath away
You were good in your time
And we thank you so, so...

You said more in one day
Than most people say
In a lifetime, it was our time
And we thank you

An end-of-the-ride sigh
Your soft smile says
"Please understand, I must surrender"

Then you grip with your hand
Now so sworn in mine
Are you aware, wherever you are,
That you have just died?"-Morrissey

This song makes me think of the last time I spent with Monique, except in reality it was not that calm and beautiful. But if I could go back in time knowing I couldn't save her heart from stopping, I would have simply sang her this song.

I know I haven't been writing much, I used to write every single day. now it's a few time a month, it's funny how fast time goes, and it leaves you stopped in your tracks looking for it. Today is February 1st. in 27 days it will be marking the one year anniversary of Monique's passing. I have yet to really start living again. I once read in some pamphlet about loss how this lady lost her brother and she wrote that time healed her and after a year the pain no longer brought her to her knees. I know that that was not telling me that in a year I will be fine, but that eventually in my time I will be. I really don't know when the pain of it all will stop "bringing me to my knees" Because when I really think about it all, really focus on the fact that my sister is dead, and buried 6ft underground, it feels like two hands ripping through my chest scraping the last of the love from heart.