in a sense I will be speaking, just to you.

I'm all alone chasing my memory, everyone is moving but me. I wish I could pick up the phone and call Monique. I try so hard to wonder what she would say to me, what she would want for me, happiness. Ive learned that I can't force feed myself false hope or happiness, I never have been a good lair, not even to myself. I felt like for a while there I was getting my footing, waking up at a decent hour in the morning, not laying in bed for hours with covers over my face, working out, trying to manage my anxiety and depression, I haven't completely lost it yet, but I'm starting to stumble, lose my balance. Staying up till the sun rises and not moving till 3pm, anxiety is creeping up and depression is looming. I wonder how long I will keep wondering for?


p.s

My brother is back in town, and I'm scared.

Happy Birthday, Monique.

growing older alone, is weird. I miss you.

April spawned two monsters.

This year Ive decided to celebrate Mine and Mo's birthday like we used to, big and fabulous. I know it wont be the same, But It's something I thought I'd do to honor her memory. I must admit this Month has made me quite emotional, and at times angry. This afternoon I found myself sitting on my bed wishing I had never been born a twin, because maybe then I wouldn't feel like there was this huge gaping hole in my heart. That's a horrible thought to have, I know. Ive had the worst headache all day because I spent hours last night trying on my birthday outfit to realize that pretty picture in my mind did not reflect in the mirror, and suddenly I no longer have a fancy birthday outfit, and I thought "god damnit Monique, you are supposed to be sitting on the bed helping me!" I will get through all this stress and emotions, and I will have a happy birthday.

atleast that's what I keep telling myself.

bottom of the world.

I need another place, will there will peace.


I need another world, this ones nearly gone.


The daily absence of Monique's physical presence is once again weighing me down, leaving me with that lost at sea drowning, I can't catch my breath feeling.

Violent life.

March went out with a bang, literally. My brother got out of jail March 22 and it didn't take long for his manic ways to surface, I tried my best explaining how lucky he was to not be in jail and how I hoped he could get his life on a a better path. By Wednesday he was shouting and late Friday night he showed up drunk and angry, He was in my moms face saying horrible things I tried getting him out of her room and he started pushing me around and when he attempted to throw a beer bottle at me I told home "go ahead give me another reason to hate you" he freaked and grabbed me, he wouldn't let me go and and finally got out of his grip, he then proceeded to put holes in my moms bedroom walls the hallway and smash to very nice photo's we had framed, one being of Monique. I called the cops but my mom didn't have the courage to press charges. I told him I didn't care how long he ended up in jail for this time as long as he stayed away from me. The cops took him to the drunk tank but warned us he would be out in 6 hours. I cried myself to sleep that night because the only person who could get me through a night like that was Monique, and I felt her loss, even more. I didn't get much sleep, and woke up with a uneasy feeling. I checked my phone and noticed I had a voicemail, it was my brother telling me I fucked up and he was gonna come back and get even then he proceeded to tell me I was nothing to him but a dumb, stupid, bitch ass whore. I didn't really know what to do, my mom called me from work and told me I'd be ok, that he usually stays away after he fucks up. Well she was wrong and about and hour later he shows up banging on the door. He said he just needed to get his keys and phone so I unlocked the door and ran to my room. He chased me and I tried holding the door closed but his might was greater than mine, I just started backing away and he started grabbing whatever he could get his hands on and smashing it, I was paralyzed with fear, unsure of what he could do. I just had my hands up pleading for him to stop, after he was done he ran out the house leaving me standing around what was left of my room, he smashed my computer stand, threw my computer, pulled a fan out of the wall and swung it at me, picked up my floor heater and tried hitting me with it, smashed one mirror by standing on top of it and jumping up and down, and smashed another with a shoe while I was standing right next to it.

I was shaking and alone, It took a few seconds for it all to sink in but once it did I cried so hard I puked. I crawled onto my bed and hid under my blankets until my mom got to the house. after all was said and done the cops came, we pressed charges and got a restraining. Chances of him actually having to do jail time is slim.

Ive been saying "this is the last time he will hurt me" so many times I lost count, after I lost my sister I really hoped I could somehow work on my brother and mines very damaged relationship, but I feel all hope is lost with this one, he constantly cries about how horrible his life was, but I don't think he's ever stopped to see what he's done to my life, he is my brother he is supposed to protect and love me. I really can't say if we will ever be able to be brother and sister again, as if now I have cut him from my life, and if I have to I will change my phone number, just the thought if this kills me. But I don't know another way. He needs to realize his actions have consequences.

He has taken so much from me, in 5 minutes he took what was once mine and Monique's and smashed it, now when I wake up I don't see the room we once shared, but I see my new bookshelf, computer desk and laptop. all of which I'm grateful for, but it's just not the same. I feel so cheated, and broken.

and even though he hurt me, I still think about him and wonder were he is or if he is safe, because I know one day he could die, and I will have to live with the fact that I cut him out of my life, when he was still alive.