nothing else mattered,it was us against the world.

Now it's just me. I wake up everyday, afraid to live. I need to make something of myself and the rest of my life, I'm just afraid, of the unknown. Sometimes people lose so much in there life, they no longer fear anything, but I'm still afraid. I'm afraid of living the rest of my life without Monique, because Ive never known life without her until now, and I don't like life anymore, what if I never do?

I don't wanna hear you say, that it really shouldn't be this way.

I'm tired of feeling, like I'm just not doing enough, like I'm not trying enough, like I don't understand what my friends may be going through, the past 6 months are really making me open my eyes to friendships, people, and family. I feel so distant from Nathan, and it didn't start when Monique died, it started when she got sick, It makes me sad that I don't even know how to talk to him anymore, because I know the reaction, and I'm tired of just being shrugged off and made to feel like its just me, I'm watching some people in my life destroy there lives, give up on talents, grow distant from me, for there own sake, and I need to wake up and stop holding the blame on myself, I know I fall apart and I know everything breaks me sometimes, but I stopped taking pills and I'm proud of that, I want So badly to just down a few, and not have to feel anything, to be numb to it all, but now I face people and life with all my senses intact, and that is fucking hard. I write as a release for me, to help me cope when it feel like my mind can't take another fucking ounce of thought.

last night was horrible, I went to a show for my friends, and was ignored and barley acknowledged, I ended up in Manteca face to face with a person I once hated, I was looked at like a ghost by one, I was completely avoided by the other, until I just asked him why the fuck he couldn't look at my face, I had no idea how our first meeting would go, But I didn't think yelling would be involved, I don't think we got anywhere, but I'm proud of myself, I had a bottle of Jim beam in my purse and not once did I allow that bottle to try and make me feel better, the night ended horrible and I cried so hard my body still aches, but I don't have a cloud of guilt looming over my head because I was drunk, I learned that sober or not, I will break down, I will hurt more than some will never even imagine. But if I have a few people, who are just willing to LISTEN and remind me of the good time's and share a laugh with me, it gives me hope, even if it's porcelain.

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world feels depopulated.

6 months, half of a year, I haven't even been able to say this out loud yet. I don't know how Ive made it this far, and I don't know were all these months have gone, But I find it terrifying to know, that I have lived 6 months without the presence of My sister, to know that the person who was created with me, the person I spent 6 months in my mothers womb with, the person who I then grew to know and love for 22 years, is now gone, and I still fight the fear that, that was it for me, that I will never be able to wrap my arms around her, and tell her just how much I love her, I hold on to my last moments with her, holding her hand, she was dying and we didn't know it, yet. and at her weakest with barley any strength to breathe, her last words to me was "are you ok?", well Monique, I'm not. I am not ok without you.


I will try my best to go on, but I feel like I'm still sinking, I know I will never truly come back from this.

I also found out tonight that my 5 year old cousin Melina has swine flu, I know that it's contagious, but when I saw her, and that tired sick look in her eyes, I could not help but to hold her, and pray to god that her body can fight such a deadly disease. Please, god.

sometimes, a wave of sadness and grief hit's the shores unexpectedly.

I'm drowning without her.

Bad dreams and broken glasses,

My glasses broke, they always break in those ways, were you find your self sitting there thinking, what the fuck just happened? the arm just fell off, I thought maybe the screw fell out, that's fixable. But no, the metal stripped. I'm just fucked.

I was upset, and moody, especially since I haven't been sleeping well, so I put on a depressing cd and crashed for over 12 hours, and had a series of bad dreams. I know why I don't sleep well, It's not because I can't. It's because I don't want to. Id rather just deal with sleeping every few hours here and there than fall into a deep sleep and have to wake up from bad dreams, that are really just different versions of my reality.

Heaven knows I'm miserable now.

My unhealthy sleeping patterns are back.....actually they never really left. But Tonight they are bothering me. I'm tired, emotionally and physically. But my mind is not finding comfort in sleep, it is sending me off in a haze of nightmares, it's making life ridiculously depressing, both awake and asleep.

I spent the day out of the house, for the sake of trying, I enjoy the people around me that truly do just want me to have a good time, Middah kept talking about all the old times, watching the three of us go to shows, and how much we were all so alike and yet so different, it was nice to reminiscence, but some moments I just wanted to start running, from it all. I spent the majority of the time with Brittany and Michael, I talked with Brittany, and I was honest when I told her I don't understand much about relationships. I never really have, I seem to rebel against the thought of them.

The thought of trusting one person in particular, with intimate moments, and believing that they love you, despite all of your flaws and downfalls seems terrifying to me, But I will admit, Sometimes I wish someone would put there arms around me, and make those moments when I feel alone, not so lonely. But I'm negative, I'm angry, I'm pessimistic, and have spent many years of my life building up walls around myself. Who wants to fall in love with that? It's not that I don't believe in true love, it is just a rarity, not everybody can have it, and I'm not going to settle for some false version of it, that is if I'm even capable of loving/being loved, to that extent.

oh no I tried

Do I? I say I do. But those are just words, words that are nothing more than sound.

Ive been told I'm a strong a person, emotionally speaking. It's days like today I feel the need to question that. I'm not working, not looking, not trying. I'm putting good thought into finding a job, but I can't remember the last time I heard someone got a job by all the good thought they put into it. If I was really trying I would be working on a new resume, but instead I gave up when I couldn't remember how many times I worked at Spirit Halloween, trying to put dates and years together just brought back all the memories of those time's, if I start getting lost in those days I will most likely just become a ghost of who I am. Getting lost in days that only exist in my head now.

Whenever it gets close to the 28th of any month, I can feel the sting of loneliness set in even more, here I am, still counting the months. Wondering if I will still be some sad excuse for a human being a year from now .


probably.

Nana, I'm Amber.

I Spent today with my Nana, I love her, she is my family. We lack a close relationship though, But I tried my best to have a conversation with her. She has a fading memory, so I know she meant no harm when she spent the day calling me Monique. I would let a few slide, only correcting her to remind her I'm Amber.

I will never have with my Nana what I had with my Grandma, I could see the love that woman held for me when she looked me in the eyes, and although I hardly even make eye contact with my Nana, I know she loves me too.


Tonight I could feel this sense of bitterness settle in me, I think being called Monique all day today is bothering me more than I'm willing to admit to myself. I feel like im going on autopilot.

soon to be 6 monhs without Monique.

Ive been down so long it looks like up to me.

I don't know how much longer getting up everyday and just breathing will be enough, I feel this need to do something with my life, I'm not sure I will ever be ready, though, I want to be ready. I am so proud of my Mom, how she continues to keep her life moving steadily astounds me, She keeps going to work, keeps going to church, keeps livin'. All while carrying an enormous load of pain with her, and still loves, and laughs. She truly amazes me, and I want to be able to amaze her. Today Alicia moves to Long Beach, I told her the other day how proud I am of her, she has gone through so much with the loss of her own sister, and best friend she loves like a sister, yet she continues to do great things in her life, she reminds me that she stopped doing alot when she lost her sister, and not be to be down on myself, that I will get back up on my feet live my life again. I thanked her for being such a positive example in my life, She took her pain, and turned it into something, She pushed through that wall and is starting a new life, she is determined to make her family and friends proud, even if some of those people are not physically her to see it.

We did a test run on her move, I helped her settle some of her things into her place, and even accompanied her to her first job interview in Long Beach, no I was not by her very side, but I was sitting across the street wishing her the best. She felt bad she left me outside for over an hour, but I did not mind, becasue as I helped her by just being there, she helped me, By getting me out of my comfort zones, I was face to face with strangers. I was around life. Yes my anxiety was off the charts, but I need to see what it looks like to still be alive. We were laying in her bedroom floor and she told me she already missed me, and is sad that I would soon be replaced with Niya, not that that is a bad thing, I understood what she meant, she wished I was ready to take this step in life with her. I do to, I swear one day I will, one day.


I know they will never say it to my face.

But Ive been a disappointment to a few friends. I can feel it.

I'm at my best when I'm at my worst

I hurt someone's feelings, with my honesty. I never meant to hurt anyone's feelings. But being honest is something I pride myself in. Lately times have been tough, it's undeniable, I have been trying to make the best of some situations. I know when I'm at a gathering Monique is always missing, I know that some songs are sad because she is not here to sing them to us, But I don't need to be constantly reminded, I wake up everyday knowing exactly that, and I am not perfect, I have brought some moods down, But I've been trying to better some things, trying to enjoy what I have, I always know what I don't have. I asked a friend to be my emotional support and I don't think she liked what I was asking, when I said this is a big step for me, I was made to feel like she was feeling exactly what I am, and that's not the case. Ive told many of people that our pain is each our own, and it is, But I was reminded today that know matter what, my pain is more, now should I feel bad for that? no.....

why feel upset becasue I have more pain, I would never wish that pain on anyone, I wish I could make that understandable, I was trying to ask in the nicest way to be strong for me, so I could be strong, and I was called a hypocrite and asked to not take out my frustrations on someone, when I was just being honest, honesty hurts sometimes, I have been hurt by it before.I feel like Ive been stabbed in the back, I have been made out as the bad guy. I was really hurt when I found out not only was my mom brought into this, so was my aunt, these two woman are my family, and I need them to help me through, I feel selfish for acting this way, but I never thought I would be made to feel like this.

I spent an entire day in bed sobbing, feeling like I failed in some way, I finally talked to my mom, and told her I get jealous, that she tells my friend she loves her more than me, that I really needed her and she was not there for me, and that hurt her to hear, but we talked through it, I listened to her and she listened to me, and that is how you get through the hurt and misunderstandings, that is how I would have liked things to work out last night, but instead of sending a phone call my way, it was sent to my mom.

and I don't know what to do now, because I feel this lack of trust.

fuck, fuck, fuck.

I can't remember the last time I was this angry.

I had a bad night, didn't handle my self well, before I could try to talk to my mom Leigh was already calling her, I cried over my frustrations, wishing she could understand me, but then the T.V got in the way, Ive been trying to sort out the shit over flowing my mind and heart, I saw my brother drop my moms phone so I thought I would take it to my moms room, and noticed she returned Leigh's call, and then Leigh sent her a loving text, The problems was ours, and if anybody should talk to my mom about it, it should be me her daughter. Instead of my mom reaching out to me, she reached out to Leigh.

Fuck, that really hurts, Leigh has a mom to talk too, a sister who loves her and a Dad in her life, I got a Mom, who would rather return my friends phone call, a dad and sister 6ft under ground and a brother who is still trying to understand my life.

SORRY if I'm feeling a bit bad for myself, I'm just a fucking hypocrite who takes my frustrations out on others.

at the bottom

For some reason I have been not been sleeping well at all, I used to to be able to sleep about 14 hours and I know that is unhealthy, but now I'm lucky if I can sleep 8. I can't find a middle ground, I toss and turn for hours. I have spent the last few nights just laying there and falling in and out of sleep, but I have yet to sleep soundly.

I ordered tickets to go see some of our(Mo and me) favorite bands play Brand New and Manchester Orchestra, I may not have Monique to go with me, But I'm lucky to have Alicia and Leigh.

This week has barley begun and I'm already feeling it end, Ive known that Alicia is gonna be moving soon, But I'm starting to feel it more. I'm not ready to see her leave yet. I'm still hurting from the loss of my sister, I still need her here. The longest Ive gone without spending time with her as of these past few years has been about 2 weeks. When I think about this time last year, I remember good time's and Alicia and Monique, we will always be AMA but, a lot has changed. Change is undeniable, But I'm finding it difficult to adjust to these changes. I really would give anything, for one more wild night, With Alicia driving, Mo in the front seat and me in the back, driving around, laughing, singing and talking about just about anything, Those were time's that were ours and ours alone.

those were time's that were taken from us to soon.



POR VIDA

Porcelain hope

The more I hope, the more I end up hurt. the hope I hold onto is fragile.

I have been unable to fall asleep lately, my mind starts to race the second the lights are off, always about Monique, the good, the bad, the horrible, the super amazing once in a life time moments. All of them. Ive been trying to get to know the person I am now, but we don't seem to be connecting. I don't think I can spend the rest of my life living in days that only exist in my mind, but If I could I would. I know I need to try and establish myself in reality sometime soon, get a job, a bank account, maybe even learn to drive. The past five years of my life I have been knocked down so much I don't know up from down sometimes. I'm just constantly grasping at anything to keep from falling again.

I can succumb to all the tragedy in my life, or I can overcome it, and do something amazing with myself. This is the constant battle I'm fighting. I see that light, I'm just afraid soon I will turn a corner and be left in the dark again.


....I just want to make her proud.

oh Brother.

My brother and I have never had a perfect relationship, I actually stopped speaking to him for awhile, but February 28th 2009, he was who I ran to and cried the words "brother, she is gone". We have since been trying to build a better relationship, you see I love him, no matter how much he has hurt me, It's something called unconditional love. My mother taught me what that was, I don't always like him, but the love I hold for him, is great.

He lives a dangerous lifestyle, and the trouble he gets into, is all brought on by him and the people he chooses to call his "friends". I remember once we were talking and he told me he doesn't believe in friendship, that family is all we have, and I had to strongly disagree with him, because I love my family, but the friends I have been so honored to have in my life, are my second family, the family I have found on my own, and when he looked up at me that day, I saw a sadness in his eye's. Because he has yet to find the friends Monique and I have.

Tonight I found out he has received his second DUI, his first one was last month, he also just got a gun pulled on him last month too, now when he is partying down the street, I stay up till the noise has lessened, and I know he is off running some other streets. Because when I know he is in our hood, and I hear gunshots, while others are laying low, I am running outside, to make sure my brother didn't catch the bullets that were flying. If that wasn't stressful enough now he is deciding to drink and drive, not only is that dangerous for other drivers it's dangerous for him, Tonight I asked him what's gonna happen next time, when it's not the cops stopping him, it's a tree or another car?

I don't want to watch my brothers casket get lowered in the ground too.

Sometimes I wonder if not seeing me, will make never being able to see her agian, easier.

Ive just awoken from a series of horrible dreams, with different story lines, but the same endings. I was searching for Monique, at the end of the last one I was going criminally insane, I couldn't figure out were she was, why I could not find her, I called everyone in my phone, just trying to get a answer. Eventually I woke up, I felt uneasy, I kept trying to fall back asleep, thinking maybe I could find her in my dreams, maybe hear her voice, but it didn't happen... is it possible I'm losing her from my dreams too?

I spoke to a councilor yesterday, I don't think I will last more then 3 sessions, I didn't realize she was a christian councilor, I do believe in god. But I have no faith. I don't think the help she can give me, is the help I'm looking for. A few months ago, I was talking to someone about how stuck I feel, how sometimes I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I just don't know how to reach it, But I realized I'm not in a tunnel at all, I'm stuck in a maze I sometimes see the light at the exit, But then before I know it, everything is black again, and I'm walking into walls.

I've never had much sense of direction, help me. I have hit a dead end and I seem to have lost my map.

Throw me that lifeline......

I've decided to seek some help, and tomorrow at 1pm I will be siting in front of a councilor for the first time in 3 years, except for the very first time ever, this choice is mine, Ive been to a few councilor's in my life, but it was always something I had to do. I always resented them and found there guidance to be no help at all. I didn't understand or comprehend how a stranger could identify with my problems. They have never lived my life. How could they possibly help me?

I still am not completely sure they can, But Ive never been this lost before, Ive never felt this empty. and I find myself grasping at whatever I can, to help pull me out of this stormy sea Ive been drowning in for the past 5 months.

I don't want to sink to the bottom of the ocean just yet.

don't forget to breathe...

when will I feel satisfied with this mess Ive made of my life?

when will another friend have to watch me lay in my own vomit?

these questions have been weighing heavy on my heart, I've hit new levels of rock bottom these past five months, for some reason I am determined to make everyone in my life hate me as much as I hate myself, I can't seem to connect with the persons eye's I see in the mirror anymore.

It's true. a major part if me died with Monique 5 months ago.

Now I can either kill off whats left of me (and no, that doesn't mean what it sounds like) I mean I can continue on this life of self destructive behavior, I can keep drinking large quantities of booze and wake up covered in my own puke, take as many pills as I can get my hands on, and push away all the people that are trying there best to love me. But I don't want to, I'm tired of being so fucking lost and sad. I know Monique is gone, and nothing can or will bring her back to me. But I need a change in my life.

I can't keep going the way I am, It hurts to much.

Last night I consumed more than I could hold.

I just want someone to put there fucking arms around me, I'm lonely.