Spring, summer and fall have all come and gone, Winter is currently passing me by just like the rest of them. Were has all this time gone? I don't have much to show for it, other that more tattoos and some drunken nights, the only consistency I can keep in my life. My mom bought me a dream catcher today, We found it at the mall. My bad dreams came back, I knew they would, I found myself wondering were they had gone, not that I missed them, Ive just had this fear they would approach at any given moments sleep. and they did. My mom is spending so much time keeping busy that I can see it wearing her out, but she just can't stop, because in those quite moments alone, she breaks down, there is no bigger loss than the loss of a child, and I hate that my mom has to carry such pain, She tells me how grateful she is for me, she said it's very hard for her to see me have such bad days, that when I do good it lifts her up. I'm trying to do better, But I feel like I'm turning myself into a robot. I can barley concentrate on much, my mind is constantly drifting.
.... in the worst of thoughts, I find myself thinking about her, the coffin, whats left of what we buried that day, I think about Monique's last days alot, not to be morbid, but because those were my last days with her, I didn't want to leave her, and even when her heart stopped beating I still tried my best to take care of her, I remembered her favorite cardigan, her boots, down to a little bottle of whiskey, that was the last thing I ever gave her, but it's nothing to everything she gave me in my life, she keeps me going, even though she's gone now, I'm still trying my best to live for her.
