So after my last post, I crawled in bed and crashed for 4 hours,when woke up I was so disorientated I didn't know what day it was, what time it was and what exactly was real anymore.
I finally had a dream about Monique that felt real, Were I felt our love and It was so intense. In my dream she came to visit me, I was in shock, she looked so beautiful, we took a walk outside and the sky was blue and the breeze was nice, I asked her if heaven was real and she pointed to the sky and said yes, its right past there and its beautiful and that dad is there and grandma was there, and I pleaded if its real can I go with you? please take me with you, I just want to be with you, we were back in our room and she was going through our closet I gave her my new cardigan sweater and she promised to take care of it, I asked again please take me with you and she put her arms around me and said she loved me and she will see me sometime soon.
and then I woke up, and the pain Ive felt from not seeing her was less, well because I believe I did see her,But the pain will come back as the days go on.
.......
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
twinface.
I can't focus on much today, I really just want to fall off the face of the earth. I saw two little twin boys at subway and got all choked up, I miss that connection and bond between a twin.
I'm falling apart without you, Monique. Can you see me?
I'm falling apart without you, Monique. Can you see me?
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
2 months down....
2 fucking Months, 2 Fucking Months!
I guess I have to say it a few times to actually let it sink in, Ive gone from not seeing My sister for more than 4 days, too 2 months.
I can't seem to find enough words to describe the emptiness I feel anymore.
I feel like I keep trying to balance the old Amber and this new less awesome one, I try to keep conversations going, I try, But it just doesn't feel like it's working, I guess I finally need to accept that she is gone, she has been gone, she went with Monique. I'm still afraid that eventually nobody will love whats left of me, because fuck its not much.
I keep searching for my "somebody else", all my other friends have someone they go to, they hang out with they text and talk to that is kinda just theirs, and I get sad sometimes, Because I have to realize Monique was that to me, My somebody that no one else had, I mean don't get me wrong, all my friends had her and there amazing relationships. But the love and bond we shared, that was just ours and nobody else had that. Not even my mother
Monique, I miss you and I love you so much, these words just don't seem to be enough anymore.
Sad Girl Por Vida
I guess I have to say it a few times to actually let it sink in, Ive gone from not seeing My sister for more than 4 days, too 2 months.
I can't seem to find enough words to describe the emptiness I feel anymore.
I feel like I keep trying to balance the old Amber and this new less awesome one, I try to keep conversations going, I try, But it just doesn't feel like it's working, I guess I finally need to accept that she is gone, she has been gone, she went with Monique. I'm still afraid that eventually nobody will love whats left of me, because fuck its not much.
I keep searching for my "somebody else", all my other friends have someone they go to, they hang out with they text and talk to that is kinda just theirs, and I get sad sometimes, Because I have to realize Monique was that to me, My somebody that no one else had, I mean don't get me wrong, all my friends had her and there amazing relationships. But the love and bond we shared, that was just ours and nobody else had that. Not even my mother
Monique, I miss you and I love you so much, these words just don't seem to be enough anymore.
Sad Girl Por Vida
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Everything is a new experience
I just had my first argument with my mom since Monique died.
It's insane to think of how almost everything I do in life is all a first now, seeing as we shared a life together for almost 23 years. And now Its just me....
Usually every argument ended with me running to Mo, we always had each others side, Even if we knew one of us was in the wrong we still had each others back, and stood up for one another. and Now I'm sitting in my room staring at her face on my arm. Wishing she was the one on the computer and I was laying in my bed telling her how unfair mom was being.
Now not only to I have shitty moments and arguments, But I also have a huge empty and lost feeling knowing I don't have her to run too anymore.
I can honestly say I was in such a shitty mood this morning that I didn't even care about getting tattooed, I just wanted to hide in my bed all day. Alicia picked me up to go to the shop and I could tell she was in the same mood. We got to the shop and a few minutes in to our arrival I saw the drawing Josh drew up of Monique, and oh fuck if I didn't almost burst into tears. It is and will always be My greatest and Most Beautiful tattoo, Just looking at the drawing cheered up Alicia and I. Josh Palmer is not only a great friend but an amazing tattoo artist.
I feel the need to write so much more, my head is overflowing with thoughts and sentences, But its all been said before so Why say it again?
I MISS MY SISTER, AND STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE HAD TO GO.
ok I said it.
It's insane to think of how almost everything I do in life is all a first now, seeing as we shared a life together for almost 23 years. And now Its just me....
Usually every argument ended with me running to Mo, we always had each others side, Even if we knew one of us was in the wrong we still had each others back, and stood up for one another. and Now I'm sitting in my room staring at her face on my arm. Wishing she was the one on the computer and I was laying in my bed telling her how unfair mom was being.
Now not only to I have shitty moments and arguments, But I also have a huge empty and lost feeling knowing I don't have her to run too anymore.
I can honestly say I was in such a shitty mood this morning that I didn't even care about getting tattooed, I just wanted to hide in my bed all day. Alicia picked me up to go to the shop and I could tell she was in the same mood. We got to the shop and a few minutes in to our arrival I saw the drawing Josh drew up of Monique, and oh fuck if I didn't almost burst into tears. It is and will always be My greatest and Most Beautiful tattoo, Just looking at the drawing cheered up Alicia and I. Josh Palmer is not only a great friend but an amazing tattoo artist.
I feel the need to write so much more, my head is overflowing with thoughts and sentences, But its all been said before so Why say it again?
I MISS MY SISTER, AND STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE HAD TO GO.
ok I said it.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Mom, Alicia and Leigh
To the three most amazing woman in my life.
Mom, I don't know what I do to deserve such an amazing mother, she is truly one of the strongest most beautiful person to ever walk this earth, There aren't enough words in the world to begin to describe her, She gets up every morning and works 2 jobs, she carry's her heartache with her, But still keeps going, She has never made me feel like shit for not being able to get out of bed, but just sits next to me and holds my hand and promises she will not give up on me. She is the person I run to everyday in tears, feeling defeated and broken and she always manages to piece me back together. I can honestly say, If it wasn't for her I would not still be here today.
Alicia, My best friend of 10 years, one of the A's out of A.M.A. I will do everything in my power to keep this friendship alive, Thank you for not giving up on me, for taking care of my drunk ass many of nights, words fail to describe the bond we will always hold and the love I have for you, you are a talented woman and I cant wait to see the wonders you do in this world. I love you, Por Vida.
Leigh, fuckin A, The friend who reminds me EVERYDAY she loves me, who in my deepest of depression, Makes sure I see some light, some love. There are not many people in this world as real as you, and I feel so fucking lucky to call you one of my best friends You are something amazing. I love you, always and forever.
Mom, I don't know what I do to deserve such an amazing mother, she is truly one of the strongest most beautiful person to ever walk this earth, There aren't enough words in the world to begin to describe her, She gets up every morning and works 2 jobs, she carry's her heartache with her, But still keeps going, She has never made me feel like shit for not being able to get out of bed, but just sits next to me and holds my hand and promises she will not give up on me. She is the person I run to everyday in tears, feeling defeated and broken and she always manages to piece me back together. I can honestly say, If it wasn't for her I would not still be here today.
Alicia, My best friend of 10 years, one of the A's out of A.M.A. I will do everything in my power to keep this friendship alive, Thank you for not giving up on me, for taking care of my drunk ass many of nights, words fail to describe the bond we will always hold and the love I have for you, you are a talented woman and I cant wait to see the wonders you do in this world. I love you, Por Vida.
Leigh, fuckin A, The friend who reminds me EVERYDAY she loves me, who in my deepest of depression, Makes sure I see some light, some love. There are not many people in this world as real as you, and I feel so fucking lucky to call you one of my best friends You are something amazing. I love you, always and forever.
Friday, April 24, 2009
glass half empty
I dropped my phone into a half empty glass of water, How I manage to do shit like that I will never understand.
usually I would be so upset about my phone and numbers and all that, But I could give a fuck less about my contact list. I had pictures of Monique, the last picture she took of herself and one of me and her from my first rehab visit to her, a picture that nobody had seen, It was mine to cherish and to keep and a video of her telling Alicia hi and waving, All possibly gone.
I feel like the world is against me, Not only am I falling apart but so is my everything else. I just want to crawl in bed and hide, But Ive been doing that for weeks already, and tonight is Another Benefit show for Monique, and I know I have some friends that really want to see me, and I them
But It takes so much out of me, To make myself feel presentable enough to even leave the house, how am I supposed to have the courage to smile and hold a conversation?
I just don't feel like enough anymore.
and I really don't feel like answering that question that EVERYONE asks "how have you been?"
I wonder if they really want the truth?
usually I would be so upset about my phone and numbers and all that, But I could give a fuck less about my contact list. I had pictures of Monique, the last picture she took of herself and one of me and her from my first rehab visit to her, a picture that nobody had seen, It was mine to cherish and to keep and a video of her telling Alicia hi and waving, All possibly gone.
I feel like the world is against me, Not only am I falling apart but so is my everything else. I just want to crawl in bed and hide, But Ive been doing that for weeks already, and tonight is Another Benefit show for Monique, and I know I have some friends that really want to see me, and I them
But It takes so much out of me, To make myself feel presentable enough to even leave the house, how am I supposed to have the courage to smile and hold a conversation?
I just don't feel like enough anymore.
and I really don't feel like answering that question that EVERYONE asks "how have you been?"
I wonder if they really want the truth?
Thursday, April 23, 2009
American nightmare/Give up the ghost.
Today was another one of those mornings wear I open my eyes and again have to remind myself you are not here, and then I put my glasses on and see that there is only One bed left in our room and I throw a pillow over my face until I have the guts to actually get out of bed...
Every fucking day I have more questions and things I need to say to you, today's topic is music and such. I was looking through our cds and I made sure all your Give up the ghost and American Nightmare were all together, I can't remember why They had to change there name, or why they aren't a band anymore, you told me all this information, Who is gonna answer all my questions Monique? who is gonna school me on Wes Eisold, and tell me a bunch of random facts about him and his life. Who is gonna make me a shirt with the angel, I have so many questions that only you hold the answers too. It brings such a fucking emptiness to my life, you have taken so much with you, so much talent and beauty and random knowledge on American Nightmare, Mike Giant. Its all with you, and I'm left here a hollowed out shell of what used to be Amber Danielle Rosaz.
I've been reading saves the day lyircs, I'm the one who got you into them, yes I actually introduced you to something rad. We would talk about how not everyone likes saves the day, But if you look passed that fast pop punk sound and really listen. There lyrics are fucking amazing...
this ones for you mo.
"Eulogy" by saves the day.
I see your eyes in my mind
but the moment fades slips away
and when I wake I curse the day
when I torch the sky see it falling in flames
I'd burn up to see you again
I'll carve out my lungs and it's all just to see you again
I'm sick in my gut from the poison I drank to forget
And since you've gone I can't forget
what I didn't say that it's much too late
I feel you here in my heart but sometimes I fall
I gotta crawl in the dark
I'll carve out my lungs and it's all just to see you again
I'm sick in my gut from the poison I drank to forget
I'm trapped in my withering skin oh no no
to rot and remember the dead
I'll dig my grave and wait here for you till the end
I'll carve out my lungs and it's all just to see you again
I'm sick in my gut from the poison I drank to forget
You leave me empty inside I'm trying to hold on
Every fucking day I have more questions and things I need to say to you, today's topic is music and such. I was looking through our cds and I made sure all your Give up the ghost and American Nightmare were all together, I can't remember why They had to change there name, or why they aren't a band anymore, you told me all this information, Who is gonna answer all my questions Monique? who is gonna school me on Wes Eisold, and tell me a bunch of random facts about him and his life. Who is gonna make me a shirt with the angel, I have so many questions that only you hold the answers too. It brings such a fucking emptiness to my life, you have taken so much with you, so much talent and beauty and random knowledge on American Nightmare, Mike Giant. Its all with you, and I'm left here a hollowed out shell of what used to be Amber Danielle Rosaz.
I've been reading saves the day lyircs, I'm the one who got you into them, yes I actually introduced you to something rad. We would talk about how not everyone likes saves the day, But if you look passed that fast pop punk sound and really listen. There lyrics are fucking amazing...
this ones for you mo.
"Eulogy" by saves the day.
I see your eyes in my mind
but the moment fades slips away
and when I wake I curse the day
when I torch the sky see it falling in flames
I'd burn up to see you again
I'll carve out my lungs and it's all just to see you again
I'm sick in my gut from the poison I drank to forget
And since you've gone I can't forget
what I didn't say that it's much too late
I feel you here in my heart but sometimes I fall
I gotta crawl in the dark
I'll carve out my lungs and it's all just to see you again
I'm sick in my gut from the poison I drank to forget
I'm trapped in my withering skin oh no no
to rot and remember the dead
I'll dig my grave and wait here for you till the end
I'll carve out my lungs and it's all just to see you again
I'm sick in my gut from the poison I drank to forget
You leave me empty inside I'm trying to hold on
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
No pain means the end of feeling,
I'm sitting here thinking about something Ive read once, and hear many times, How crying is supposed to make you feel better, how it takes the pain away and helps you get it all out, Well I cried for about 5 hours the other night and here and there since then. After crying till I can't cry anymore I just feet empty and numb and let me tell you something. Sometimes feeling nothing at all hurts more than actually feeling pain.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
December 20, 2008
The last photo Monique ever snapped of herself, I was sitting next to her holding her glasses, She just kept saying she wanted to look as pretty as me, and I just kept reminding her she always will be, we have the same face.
She was home for the weekend, she was in rehab that month fighting a strong addiction to pain medication. I hated that she was away, and cried all the time but I just wanted her better and stronger. I had planned a birthday party for Phuong that night and we both knew she wasn't ready for that. I felt like shit putting a party before her, That night she called me before she went to sleep, I still hadent had a drink because of the guilt I felt, she told me she loved me and to have fun. I ended up getting so drunk I can barley remember parts of that night.
I was so hungover the next day I could barley stay awake to spend time with her, But I made myself get enough energy to pack her clothes and walk her to her room in rehab.
Every time we drove away my heart ached, I hated being away from her. But I remember how happy I was when she came home, we had big plans for our life, Big plans.
Well, that heart ache is back and I don't expect it to ever go away.
Monday, April 20, 2009
sinking like a stone in the sea.
My anxiety is so fucking gnarly, I need a days notice just to be able to try and function normally..........
I have gotten a lot of positive words from my friends, after posting something to them. Nathan called me the other night and I was crying throughout the entire conversation, Its sucks being so depressed that you don't even know how to reach out to your best of friends, He reminded me he loved me, and he promised me he wouldn't give up one me. Leigh reminds me just about everyday she loves me. I need to hear it, and It sucks that I don't know how to just say it anymore, it just takes so much, but I do, I love my friends.
I'm supposed to hang out with Alicia today, I told my mom That I'm scared our relationship is falling apart, and Losing my best friend of 10 years is that last thing I want right now. I know she loves me, But I just need to hear it. I'm in such a fragile state that not hearing it makes me think that it doesn't exist anymore. I don't know how to fight to keep anyone around. But I'm not willing to lose my best friend, A.M.A it used to be us against the world, we used to have this energy this confidence when we were together, we could make a 10 minute car ride the most amazing thing in the world, I don't feel that anymore. I'm not gonna say that surprises me, Monique was amazing, losing her sucked the life out of all of us. It changed everything. I hope Alicia and I can go through this loss together. Because I love her like a sister, we have lived together, celebrated birthdays, Christmas and Easter together, We have been friends through the loss of my father and her sister. We never imagined losing Monique. I hope our friendship can survive through it, even though I am barley surviving.
All I have left to offer is Love, The love I hold for all my Friends and Family. Its still there. It will never go away. and all though I may not have a whole heart anymore, I love with all the pieces of my broken heart.
A part of me died with Monique, its undeniable. But I am still here and I open my eyes and remind myself to breathe everyday.
I have gotten a lot of positive words from my friends, after posting something to them. Nathan called me the other night and I was crying throughout the entire conversation, Its sucks being so depressed that you don't even know how to reach out to your best of friends, He reminded me he loved me, and he promised me he wouldn't give up one me. Leigh reminds me just about everyday she loves me. I need to hear it, and It sucks that I don't know how to just say it anymore, it just takes so much, but I do, I love my friends.
I'm supposed to hang out with Alicia today, I told my mom That I'm scared our relationship is falling apart, and Losing my best friend of 10 years is that last thing I want right now. I know she loves me, But I just need to hear it. I'm in such a fragile state that not hearing it makes me think that it doesn't exist anymore. I don't know how to fight to keep anyone around. But I'm not willing to lose my best friend, A.M.A it used to be us against the world, we used to have this energy this confidence when we were together, we could make a 10 minute car ride the most amazing thing in the world, I don't feel that anymore. I'm not gonna say that surprises me, Monique was amazing, losing her sucked the life out of all of us. It changed everything. I hope Alicia and I can go through this loss together. Because I love her like a sister, we have lived together, celebrated birthdays, Christmas and Easter together, We have been friends through the loss of my father and her sister. We never imagined losing Monique. I hope our friendship can survive through it, even though I am barley surviving.
All I have left to offer is Love, The love I hold for all my Friends and Family. Its still there. It will never go away. and all though I may not have a whole heart anymore, I love with all the pieces of my broken heart.
A part of me died with Monique, its undeniable. But I am still here and I open my eyes and remind myself to breathe everyday.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
to you.
To the friends that have been here through Losing Monique, I thank you. and all though it may not seem like it, I love you, with all that I am, even though that may not seem to be much lately.
I don't expect you to stick around to see the person this is turning me into, I don't even like who It has turned me into. Nathan told me that I was the leader of the pack and the backbone to many of my friends and that meant so much to me. But I'm not much of a leader and I can no longer be anyone's backbone, I don't even know how I'm standing. I'm not the strong feisty woman I was, I'm a weak little girl, who has to give it my all just to get ready and go have a drink.
I don't have a job, and I sleep all day, I'm 23 years old and have lost my fight to want to become something amazing .
I understand that I'm not the only twin out there to lose there twin, but god damn it feels like it sometimes, I miss my sister and I'm falling apart without her.
I'm sorry I can't be a better friend, I'm sorry I don't call you or text you, or try and spend time with you, But I just don't think I'm the best company anymore.
I don't expect you to stick around to see the person this is turning me into, I don't even like who It has turned me into. Nathan told me that I was the leader of the pack and the backbone to many of my friends and that meant so much to me. But I'm not much of a leader and I can no longer be anyone's backbone, I don't even know how I'm standing. I'm not the strong feisty woman I was, I'm a weak little girl, who has to give it my all just to get ready and go have a drink.
I don't have a job, and I sleep all day, I'm 23 years old and have lost my fight to want to become something amazing .
I understand that I'm not the only twin out there to lose there twin, but god damn it feels like it sometimes, I miss my sister and I'm falling apart without her.
I'm sorry I can't be a better friend, I'm sorry I don't call you or text you, or try and spend time with you, But I just don't think I'm the best company anymore.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Death Certificate.
If watching my sisters casket get lowered 6 feet underground wasn't reality enough.....
I'm not allowed to get the mail today, because it's there, waiting to be opened. So if I wasn't ready to accept it yet, Maybe now I will.
I find as the days keep passing, the more I hurt.
TIME HEALS NOTHING.
I'm not allowed to get the mail today, because it's there, waiting to be opened. So if I wasn't ready to accept it yet, Maybe now I will.
I find as the days keep passing, the more I hurt.
TIME HEALS NOTHING.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
without you, i'm nothing.
the days just keep passing,
Ive gotten new tattoos, booze, morrissey tickets, new shoes, good pills and a stack of burnt cd's that WE have always wanted.
all of my favorite things. But I still feel empty and lost, and every funny story I wish you could here and when I come home from a night out I just want to tell you everything that happened. I want you to have a beer with me, I want you to see my new tattoo.
I'm writing this to you like you are actually gonna read it, but you can't, you wont.
I'm starting to feel your presence less and less, That's just not fair, I don't know how much more life I can live without you.
Ive gotten new tattoos, booze, morrissey tickets, new shoes, good pills and a stack of burnt cd's that WE have always wanted.
all of my favorite things. But I still feel empty and lost, and every funny story I wish you could here and when I come home from a night out I just want to tell you everything that happened. I want you to have a beer with me, I want you to see my new tattoo.
I'm writing this to you like you are actually gonna read it, but you can't, you wont.
I'm starting to feel your presence less and less, That's just not fair, I don't know how much more life I can live without you.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Collecting Dust
a few days after Monique passed away, I cleaned our room, moved my bed to the spot her's was, there was no point in keeping two beds, That wouldn't do me any good. I moved the dressers around, cleaned out drawers of clothes we never wore or wanted. dusted, hung photo's of her on the walls. and that was that. (her side of the closet is untouched, I will never move her clothes)
I woke up this morning, with that empty numb feeling, and gazed at my ceiling and suddenly noticed that it, and all the walls are covered in dust, and I thought to myself "I just cleaned and dusted not to long ago". I guess it's been longer than I thought.
I feel as if the world is moving around me, and I'm stuck on pause watching it all go by.
I miss her.
I woke up this morning, with that empty numb feeling, and gazed at my ceiling and suddenly noticed that it, and all the walls are covered in dust, and I thought to myself "I just cleaned and dusted not to long ago". I guess it's been longer than I thought.
I feel as if the world is moving around me, and I'm stuck on pause watching it all go by.
I miss her.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Bane
I got the most beautiful tattoo for Monique.
I got drunk and cried my eyes out.
Its only been a day, but I miss Leigh already.
I remember once Monique played this song for Alicia and I, she said it was for us.
these are the lyrics
"swan song"
Today won't be like yesterday
The bell tolls for an hour straight
Screaming mothers chase their children down
Fathers tear out their eyes
As the city topples to the ground
Outside the streets are in a panic
Truth sellers jump from tall, tall ledges
No sign of Christ with a sword in his mouth
Beneath the blood red sky I'll sit and laugh with you tonight
This is a promise I made to you
I'll be right there
I'll be right next to you
When the trumpets blare the loudest and cannons roar
All the trains that once came for you
Spill off the tracks floor
All your horrors they multiply
And you realize your fears
I'll block your ears with both of my hands
Kiss away the tears
When the armageddon's been locked and loaded
I will come back for you..
I got drunk and cried my eyes out.
Its only been a day, but I miss Leigh already.
I remember once Monique played this song for Alicia and I, she said it was for us.
these are the lyrics
"swan song"
Today won't be like yesterday
The bell tolls for an hour straight
Screaming mothers chase their children down
Fathers tear out their eyes
As the city topples to the ground
Outside the streets are in a panic
Truth sellers jump from tall, tall ledges
No sign of Christ with a sword in his mouth
Beneath the blood red sky I'll sit and laugh with you tonight
This is a promise I made to you
I'll be right there
I'll be right next to you
When the trumpets blare the loudest and cannons roar
All the trains that once came for you
Spill off the tracks floor
All your horrors they multiply
And you realize your fears
I'll block your ears with both of my hands
Kiss away the tears
When the armageddon's been locked and loaded
I will come back for you..
Friday, April 10, 2009
then and now.
we, us, our.
I, me, mine.
how such simple words mean so much.
I will be celebrating OUR 23 birthday this weekend. ME, not US.
I, me, mine.
how such simple words mean so much.
I will be celebrating OUR 23 birthday this weekend. ME, not US.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
White Rice.
Sounds so simple right? just plain old white rice, I'm sure any given stranger would think nothing of it.But ask any close friend of Monique's about her white rice and they will tell you she made the best.
Today not only did I attempt to cook myself a descent meal, I attempted to make white rice, without Monique walking me through every step, and yes even with her talking me through it, it still never come out and she would laugh and just say that she was the only one who would be making the rice from now on.
well, to say the least. I failed miserably. I don't know if anybody can really understand how defeated a simple pot of messed up white rice has made me feel. But I cant help but think...
I can't even make white rice without her, how the fuck am going to live life without her?
Today not only did I attempt to cook myself a descent meal, I attempted to make white rice, without Monique walking me through every step, and yes even with her talking me through it, it still never come out and she would laugh and just say that she was the only one who would be making the rice from now on.
well, to say the least. I failed miserably. I don't know if anybody can really understand how defeated a simple pot of messed up white rice has made me feel. But I cant help but think...
I can't even make white rice without her, how the fuck am going to live life without her?
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Everything reminds me of her.
I month and 10 days have passed.
I don't know when I'm gonna be able to start living in the "real world" so far simple tasks such as waking up seem to be all I can bare some days......
I don't know when I'm gonna be able to start living in the "real world" so far simple tasks such as waking up seem to be all I can bare some days......
Monday, April 6, 2009
.....
"No one knows how lonely and
lost a twinless twin can feel
until they themselves have been there"
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Every day is like sunday.
I'm terrified of being alone. Ive gone almost 23 years always, always having someone and not just anyone, Monique.Even when I lived on my own, I talked to her everyday, and saw her every chance I got. Every morning I wake up so angry, because the first thing I realize is that mo is gone and I have to keep going.
I keep having these dreams, were I'm out with friends and then suddenly I realize I don't know were Monique is, I freak out and I start searching and searching and trying to find her, and then I realize that she is gone and I wake up, almost every night I have that dream, different places and people, same situation.
I just want to wake up up from this nightmare, I want to wake up and see Monique.
I keep having these dreams, were I'm out with friends and then suddenly I realize I don't know were Monique is, I freak out and I start searching and searching and trying to find her, and then I realize that she is gone and I wake up, almost every night I have that dream, different places and people, same situation.
I just want to wake up up from this nightmare, I want to wake up and see Monique.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Monique, to me you are a work of art.
Thursday March 12, 2009
I was laying in bed, again... and I couldn't stop thinking about you, I don't think I ever will. I'm haunted with the memory of your body lying there lifeless, I never thought in my wildest dreams that one day I would be looking down at you in a casket.
I hope you know you were and will be the best sister a girl could ever dream of, You were my life, I would do anything to make you happy. I trusted you more than anyone ever, You knew me so well. I am terrified to keep living without you, I keep asking you to come to me in my dreams, just tell me you are ok. And you haven't yet. I don't even dream anymore, its as if my brain literally just shuts of at night, and you are the first person I think of when my eyes open and I realize I have to go through another day without you. You were always the first person I saw when I woke up and the last person I saw before I fell asleep.
We shared a love that not many people will ever know. Ive never celebrated a birthday without you, or mourned the anniversary of dads death without you. How am I supposed to do all those things alone mo? who will I buy things for when I eventually get a job? who will remind me that even though I drank to much whiskey, you still love me? who will clean up my puke when I'm to sick to make it to the sink? who will make sure my eyebrows are perfect and my hair is just the right height?who will help me pick out cute outfits?. You did those all those things for me, I never feared the loss of much because I always had you, and as long as I had you, I had everything I needed, I always wanted to get an apartment with you, I promised you I would take care of you for the rest of my life.
well I'm still here and you are not...
and I keep asking the same question, what am I supposed to do now, I lived for you?
I hope you know how much you were loved, do you see how well Our friends and family have taken care of me? all because of how much they loved US.
Every time I get something new I am reminded of the fact that you are not here to share it with. I spent 22 years of my life sharing everything I owned with you. and now I'm left with all this stuff, But Id give it all back, everything. Just have you with me again.
In my life, I love you more
R.I.P Monique
4-12-1986 / 2-28-2009
I was laying in bed, again... and I couldn't stop thinking about you, I don't think I ever will. I'm haunted with the memory of your body lying there lifeless, I never thought in my wildest dreams that one day I would be looking down at you in a casket.
I hope you know you were and will be the best sister a girl could ever dream of, You were my life, I would do anything to make you happy. I trusted you more than anyone ever, You knew me so well. I am terrified to keep living without you, I keep asking you to come to me in my dreams, just tell me you are ok. And you haven't yet. I don't even dream anymore, its as if my brain literally just shuts of at night, and you are the first person I think of when my eyes open and I realize I have to go through another day without you. You were always the first person I saw when I woke up and the last person I saw before I fell asleep.
We shared a love that not many people will ever know. Ive never celebrated a birthday without you, or mourned the anniversary of dads death without you. How am I supposed to do all those things alone mo? who will I buy things for when I eventually get a job? who will remind me that even though I drank to much whiskey, you still love me? who will clean up my puke when I'm to sick to make it to the sink? who will make sure my eyebrows are perfect and my hair is just the right height?who will help me pick out cute outfits?. You did those all those things for me, I never feared the loss of much because I always had you, and as long as I had you, I had everything I needed, I always wanted to get an apartment with you, I promised you I would take care of you for the rest of my life.
well I'm still here and you are not...
and I keep asking the same question, what am I supposed to do now, I lived for you?
I hope you know how much you were loved, do you see how well Our friends and family have taken care of me? all because of how much they loved US.
Every time I get something new I am reminded of the fact that you are not here to share it with. I spent 22 years of my life sharing everything I owned with you. and now I'm left with all this stuff, But Id give it all back, everything. Just have you with me again.
In my life, I love you more
R.I.P Monique
4-12-1986 / 2-28-2009
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