Outside the glass.

Today has been my third day of working out, I am in the process of applying for a job, Ive been trying to focus on the brighter sides to my life, and I know I get easily caught up in the bad, but as of right now, I'm keeping my head above water.

I do have a friendship falling apart, but I don't feel like catching the pieces, and I need to find the courage to tell Nathan that he just has not been the friend I have needed, he filled my life with so many empty promises, and I resent him for it, I know he will find a way to put everything back on me, which is why I have not been able to talk to him, I don't really know what the future holds for our friendship, he has already lost some of my trust, and I know no matter what, our friendship will never be the same, but I guess that's just a part of life.

as my mom and I were walking to the car after dinner tonight, we saw a big semi truck and she said they always remind her of my dad.

and I thought

I feel really lucky to be the only person to ever accompany my father on his first long haul truck drive, I will always remember that day.

I will always remember the last time I sat with my grandma, and how she held my face, told me she loved me, and called me her angel.

I will never forget the day Monique was being evaluated in the hospital, when they finally just wrote her off as depressed. The doctor asked her if she has a reason to live, and she looked up at me, and pointed, She looked at the doctor and simply stated "she is my reason to live" .

Those are moments in my life that keep me alive.

7months

flooded with all the memories of this day 7 months ago.

late nights, and cold wine.

Nothing hurts more than empty promises, for what it's worth I always had my guard up, I always knew he would end up like the rest.

I'm not perfect, but can't you see?

to me, it feels like I'm being left all alone, I had a twin sister, now she's dead.

A best friend who was never more than a 10 minute car ride away, now she lives 5 and a half hours away.

another best friend, who said a whole lot of wonderful things, promised me he would always be here for me, but the last time I checked. When you call a friend and they tell you they are depressed and lonely, you don't sigh and say "oh well I was just calling to check in".

Those three people were a constant in my life, so much is changing now.

I have been depressed for much longer than these past 6 months, my world started falling apart October 27, I watched my sister struggle with addiction, and the more she fell apart, the more I fell apart. Watching her deteriorate and not know what was wrong, killed so much of me, Spending weeks at the hospital watching those doctors not do a damn thing, killed me. Feeling her grab my hand because she was terrified, and being helpless, killed me. I was supposed to make her better, I promised her she would get better. Those months, I was miserable, but I knew when she got better, I would be better.

Before February 28, 2009. My purpose in life was to take care of My sister, to make her happy and to live, to get a job and by us stuff, to get tattooed and watch her take photo's, to hang out with friends and to take care of myself.

things changed, and I'm grasping, and gasping and struggling, and failing and falling. I don't want the world, I just want to learn to exist the best I can, I just want to want to wake up, I just want to want to make something of myself.

that's all.

fading into the background

I need to stop trying to fight this loneliness, I can't expect someone to drop everything to come sleep in the same house as me, because I've never spent the night alone. I need to adjust to my life, get used to being alone, at the times that I never was. I never thought that one day I would lose my twin, this young. I don't even know were to look sometimes, I don't know what to grasp to, I am fighting all these emotions and they are getting the best of me.

falling in and out of life.

I'm scared that so much of me died with Monique, that eventually nobody will even know me.

Lavender Chamomile Sleep.

ups and downs. story of my life.

October seems to have a gold lining for me, Brand New, Manchester Orchestra, Dead Mans Bones and a Halloween Extravaganza, I would give anything in the world to have Mo here with me, to experience all this good, But since she is not, I will make sure to take it all in and enjoy every moment for her.

after showering I found this bottle of lotion that has been tucked away for the past 6 months, When I was being a good sister I would lotion Mo's feet after I showered her, she really liked having lotion put on her feet, she was to weak to do so and it brought her comfort, but sometimes I wouldn't, not because I didn't want to, but because I hoped that she could do it herself, I wanted her to be strong again and In my mind depraving her of something she liked might help her. it didn't. After almost 6 months I decided to put on this lotion, and the scent just brought back a wave of all this emotion and memories, I remember once she was laying in bed and she asked me to put on the lotion and lay next to her, I did. and she feel asleep promising me she would get better.

and now I'm sitting her, wondering if I should take another shower, to remove this sent.

I have some problems that I don't even like to share with myself, I hope one day, this weight on my shoulders gets lifted. My body is starting to ache as if I'm carrying the world.

burnt toast.

Ive noticed I'm falling into a deeper depression, were my body starts to ache for no apparent reason, and I have little to no ambition at all. Sometimes when I'm laying in bed I get lost in my memories, then I focus on now and when I realize Monique is gone, it feels like someone is holding me down and suffocating me with a pillow, I become paralyzed by my grief, I don't feel her presence in my life as much I would like, and sometimes I get angry at her, she had to know I couldn't get through life without her.

I always see commercials going through a checklist of depression symptoms and I always find myself sitting there thinking "yes, yes, yes....." but all the medicine there peddling is for chemical imbalances, I don't have a chemical imbalance. I have a broken heart, and I don't know if time will ever heal this one.

our love to admire

I find myself awake at 4:05 am, going through old photo's that bring back a rush of good memories, leaving me to stare at one photo at a time, trying to remember the details, basking in Monique's smile, a smile I miss more than anything in the world, I was replaying old photobucket videos, I just wanted to hear her voice again.

not only do miss her, but I miss me too.

alone with everybody.

I don't feel much of a connection with my writing anymore, before it was such a release for me, I felt like I was lifting some weight from my heavy heart, but it almost feels like a chore now. I knew it wouldn't last, nothing ever does.

forget the night ahead.

change, some of us never will, some of us don't want to.

I've been angry lately, at people at life, at the entire world. Some of us just can't find the good in the word, we are to consumed by the bad, but I don't think it makes me a bad person. I just carry a lot more anger than others, and I have every right too.
I hope that one day, the anger and hate will subside, But I never expect it to go away entirely. I still know how to love and have love to give, just not as much as others.


maybe one day that will change, maybe it wont.

The life I have lived has made me the person I am today, Ive lost so much, so fast, so terribly, and I don't want to lose anymore.

December 24, 2008

It's hard to believe that 2 months after this photo was taken, her heart stopped beating, and was to weak to start again, it's hard to believe that her liver was failing, and we wouldn't know until 5 months later. Her face may not have a beaming smile on it, but she still shines, so beautifully.

I need to make something of myself, for her.

no use now.

Research on NON ALCOHOLIC STEATO HEPATITIS
symtoms:
1. Neurologic changes (Hepatic Encephalopathy)
1. Altered Level of Consciousness (Delirium, coma)
2. Decerebrate rigidity (with severe cerebral edema)
3. Personality change
2. Jaundice
3. Coagulopathy
4. Bleeding (e.g. Gastrointestinal Bleeding)
5. Acute Renal Failure (Hepatorenal Syndrome)
6. Hypoglycemia
7. Acute Pancreatitis
8. Cardiopulmonary failure
9. Ascites (due to Portal Hypertension)


tiredness, weight loss, and weakness may develop.

luid accumulation in the legs and abdomen, mental confusion, and jaundice, which may ultimately require liver

Altered consciousness is also a sign in patients with FHF. Mental changes occur within 2 weeks of the onset of jaundice in most patients. The patient may become somnolent and/or confused and may respond slowly to painful stimuli.

Causes:

1. Infectious Disease
1. Viral Hepatitis
1. Hepatitis A
2. Hepatitis B
3. Hepatitis C
4. Hepatitis D
2. Bacterial infection
3. Rickettsial infection
4. Parasitic infection
2. Toxic Hepatitis (drug or Hepatotoxin exposure)
3. Ischemia or shock
4. Budd-Chiari Syndrome
5. Idiopathic Chronic Active Hepatitis
6. Wilson's Disease (Acute)
7. Microvesicular Steatosis (Fat) Syndromes
1. Nonalcoholic Fatty Liver
2. Acute Fatty Liver of Pregnancy
3. Reye's Syndrome
infectious diseases, hepatotoxic drugs, toxins, metabolic diseases, and ischemia are the main causes of FHF

fuck.

I guess I forgot to keep my friends from falling off.

Here I am, alone and lonely.

don't get me wrong, I know I have a handful of friends, that will always be here for me, but I'm not doing my part anymore,maybe if I had a steady job I could go see Alicia and spend time with her, maybe if I wasn't so broke I could afford to actually treat Leigh to dinner for once. Maybe If I would have listened to Monique more and actually called my friends, I would be getting ready to go do something on this Friday night instead of sitting her filling this box with words, because I'm lonely.

If there is one thing I have succeeded at since Mo's passing, it is to successfully push people out of my life, So many have tried, people who didn't really know me, but wanted to, to try, to be a friend to me, But I decided to take the easy was out, and just push and push......... I guess I never really considered the end result.

maybe I should have.

Can you find love through a telescope?

Last night after spending time with two of my best friends, I realized my mind was still spinning with thoughts and such, so I pulled out my Journal and decided to put my pen to paper and write Monique, I know I can no longer find comfort in her company, all I have is a Journal now, and instead of having conversations with her, I write her letters, I will do this for the rest of my life, however long it may be.


today, my heart is feeling extra heavy, and I just want to hide under my covers.