11 months.

An Uncomfortable Routine

Denial and Isolation.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.
Ive lived the last 5 1/2 years balancing just that. I question weather there will ever be a point in my life were I am not grieving, I highly doubt it most of the time. I will always grieve for those that hold so much of my heart. After my dad died I threw myself into life, mostly for Monique, I knew I had to take care of her, and I tried my best to, and It felt good, she in time did just the same for me. After she died I completely took myself out of life, to the point were I had people pleading for me to "not take my own life" never did I say I was, But I later found out my face said more than I ever could, or would. My highs through this past year are credited to all the wonderful people that literally held me up, got me out of bed, or just simply laid it in with me. I so badly want to make everyone proud. I'm told constantly how much potential I have, but I just can't see it yet. I used to think I could take on the world, now most days it feels like the world is taking me. It's frustrating, to lack so much confidence in myself, it's disgusting. I was a part of this wondrous set and all I ever did was bitch if you called me "the twins", because I was my own damn person. I guess I never stopped to think how it would feel to really be just me. Maybe I should have. But I can't go back now. I somehow need to find that strong person I was, but I so easily get lost. I'm tired of being lost, I'm tired of being tired.

fear

I was once told that after losing so much, you don't fear much. That doesn't apply to me. I'm terrified.

10monthsand18days.

all I can say today, is I miss her.

sleeping with ghosts

Sometimes I wonder when my bad dreams started, or when they decided to get so personal, for years I just had the ones were I felt like I couldn't move or talk, especially during the moments I needed to most, but not they've turned way more personal and painful. My mind never finds rest from me, even when I sleep it's churning up nightmares of days Ive really lived, only I haven't. You know like plays o n reality, stuff changes but the meaning stays the same. When my dad died I can really only remember once waking up not really being able to grasp if he was dead or alive, I remember that being a horrible experience and after Monique died I dreaded that would happen again, it did. But not once all the time. I lost count of how many times I wake up looking around thinking "wait were is she?" my dreams make me believe that I just need to spend more time with her, they make think it was all a lie, just something to give me a push to be a better sister, so I wake thinking "find Monique and tell her you love her" only after a few seconds I realize it was not just a dream, it is reality. I wake all the time hoping for a fresh start but end up back in my cave alone.

I am grateful I have her in my dreams, no matter how horrible they get, but sometimes I wish they were more imaginary, you know like us hanging out and catching up, I could show her my new tattoos and talk about a boy. Those would be some good dreams.

weight of time.

I'm not sure what it is, but this new year is not starting as positive as I would have liked it to, I just have all these bad feelings I can't shake. It's intimidating to start of a new year, I feel like I have to live up to all the expectations, all of which I'm setting for myself, today was one of my ho hum days in particular. I was at dinner with my mom telling her I just did not feel good, it bothers me, especially because I had such a good night out before and had also just purchased my ticket home from Long Beach so I could go visit Alicia. I don't understand why I feel so down when I have so much good around me. well I do understand... I just hate realizing that my state of depression makes me feel so horrible. It makes me question what it will take to ever feel truly happy again.

I'm starting to feel old, But at least I can say Ive had a life well lived, but watching these days pass so fast fucking sucks. I want to be able to take care of my mom, have a good job. But I don't know when I will feel like I can actually concur such things. Whoever thought living would be so hard? I mean I never really thought that one day I would be struggling to enjoy the simple things in life. Looking at photos of Monique I find myself struggling, trying to take in every memory, because although she is always with me, I feel like the more time passes, the farther she feels, how can that be?

Are you ok now?

I feel like I need to rush myself, like my time to be sad is up and it's time to be happy. Whenever I go to church with my mom I can feel the eyes of some of the people begging me to throw my arms in praise and shout how god has come into my life and showed me the wonders of life. But sadly all they get is a hug and a nod from me saying "I'm ok". I remember when Monique died, and someone would ask me how I was all I wanted to do was pull out a knife and stab them in the chest and ask "that's how I am, how does it feel?" but that's not logical now is it? for quite a few months I could not even answer that question, but It's going on a year soon, and I feel the need to be able to answer that question honestly, because I hate lying. But I also hate having to tell someone over and over that I'm sad. I want to feel good again, I want to be happy. But sometimes that feels so distant from what's really going on. Lately the fear of going out is back, I'm starting to become way to comfortable in my cave of a room and all day naps are starting to sound so much better then looking for a job.

I just want to feel good again.......

I feel you here in my heart but sometimes I fall, I gotta crawl in the dark

I still find myself saying I'm 22, so I have a feeling turning that 9 into a 10 will be another new challenge. I took my self out my comfort zone for new years and I had a good time, roaming a house full of strangers with a jug of rossi accompanied by some good people. Being called Monique still takes my breath away. I can't hate the people who do it, I mean we were identical twins, you will always see her face in mine. I could recap 2009 but that would do me no good, It has proved itself as one of the most tragic years of my life. and that's all I have to say for it.

when I look back at all that Ive lost and all I still have I see myself has a lucky person, still. I may have lost more at my age than some will never know. But I also have so much more, I know some of the best people I have friends that are are worth there weight in gold and then some, I have the most amazing Mother, a beautiful home and wonderful family. I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.

I hope to make some progress in 2010 and to try and find a way to be happy again, I know it's gonna be a struggle and some days will seem as if I can't do it. But Ive made it this far, so why give up?