It's been 5 Months now, and we finally have the answer.

Ive been sorting through all the details since Sunday. Trying to fully digest everything, I don't think I ever fully will.

To put everything into simply terms, Monique died from a form of Hepatitis I still have a hard time even saying (Fulminant Non-Alcoholic Steato-Hepatitis) her liver was three time's the size of a normal liver, and her heart was starting to overcompensate, which is why after 22 years it stopped beating.

The month her health was at it's worst, we were made to believe she was just depressed, she wasn't eating, she was weak, so all they did was pump more antidepressants into her, we kept taking her to the hospital, all they had to say was she was dehydrated. Now I find out, she was dying, her liver was failing and they never did a thing about it, they never even knew(we never knew) and it took a coroner to find it all out, The what if's and should have's will get me nowhere



(she just wanted to learn to live a sober life, she just wanted to feel better again)

I miss her, I wish I could have saved her. If I had known I would have done anything, I would have given her my liver, I would have given her my heart.

3:43am

I'm afraid to fall asleep, in fear of the nightmares I will have.

I have spent the last hour alone in my room, reading pages of sentences that have brought back the shock and pain that occurred February 28, 2009 (5:01pm)

Going over those words, I felt like I was standing in the I.C.U all over again, gazing at my other half, who lie there, with no more life left in her.

and it's killing me , to know that someone I love so much, was at one point in her life just a body covered in a white sheet, with a number tagged to her, so someone could cut into her, and try to figure out why the air stopped flowing through her lungs.

(it hurts)

that packet finally arrived in the mail

Final Pathological Diagnoses:

Monique Marie Rosaz, a 22 year old hispanic female died as a result of Fulminant Non-Alcoholic Steato-Hepatitis.


(I still don't fully understand this, I'm still trying to digest it all)

Alicia Marie Magana

I will be somewhat lost when she moves to Long Beach, She as been the one person who understands me the most. Who doesn't make me feel sane, Because we are both crazy. These past few days, Ive fallen deeper into my whole, I've left all calls unanswered, and the few texts I have received, have felt as empty as the bottles of whiskey leftover in my room. My mom has gone to bed, without a word to me for the past two nights, and lately when I have tried to close my eye's to sleep, I end up sobbing into my pillow, for what seems like forever. I find myself angry, at the entire world, my vocal cords have been put to rest for day's at a time, I was starting to wonder if I even need them anymore, and then I got a phone call, caller id: Alicia.




thank you.

your hand in mine

I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a stormy ocean, being taken down by the tide and struggling to keep my head above water.

The things no one knows how to talk about.

I am not ok, I am not dealing with the death of Monique well.

I find it very hard to except she is really gone, I came across an old home video from 06' I saw her alive for the first time in almost 5 months, my heart stopped, and I sat in front of the t.v, wishing I could just jump inside and put my arms around her, I sat there just wanting to hear her voice, I kept rewinding the beginning of the dvd, were she walks into the garage door, hoping that any second the front door would swing open and she would walk in, How could someone as amazing as her be gone?

I don't know how much longer I can go, without her.

buried by the fear of these thoughts

Ive been unbearably depressed the past few day, it's nothing new.

But after a visit to a few old folders of photo's I find myself unbelievably angry, after punching my mattress and crying into my pillow, I decided it would be better to write exactly what I want to do, other than do it.

I want to smash every piece of glass I can find, I want to find every doctor that ever took care of my sister and slit there throats, I want to find the bastard that stuck the tube down her throat and hold his head under water, I want to slap everyone in the face that has ever told me time will make this all better.

I don't want to feel all this pain anymore, I don't want to feel so alone anymore. I'm so angry it hurts, I'm so sad, it hurts. I'm so fucking lost, it hurts.

Return to sender.

I feel like a damaged package, once marked fragile, that was never handled with the care it was needed.

Last night Nathan drove us SF to meet up with Josh and check out a band called graveyard , it was nice, other than losing 10 bucks and being called Monique, I know The guy didn't mean too, But when he said her name its like the world stopped, I thought maybe just for me, But I looked over at Alicia and could see it stopped for her too, I thought I would be ok, I was 4 pills and 3 beers deep, But before I knew it My eyes were filled with tears and I was gasping for air.

I know I need to do something with my life, get a job, make something of myself, I don't care enough about myself to do it for me, But I need to do it for the people I love.

These past months I find myself falling into a unhealthy relationship with pills and booze, I only used to drink to party, and the same with the pills, now I can't be around a crowd unless I have some form of anxiety pill in my system, usually followed by anything else I can get my hands on. I'm not proud of it, and I have alot of respect for people who don't need any of those vices to get through there life, The only scary part is, I see the problem, I know I should cut back, But I don't want to, and I find myself anxious when I know the little box on my dresser is empty.

I'm falling apart

I'm being left behind.

this is about her.

Tonight,I put my face on and left the house.

went to a birthday bash for Chantel, drank a little, danced a little.

Towards the end of the night I found a couch near were Alicia was sitting, some dude was chatting her up, asking about her tattoos and all that, he introduces himself to me, and asks me what my favorite tattoo is, I tell him the portrait of my sister. which was not showing.

He looks at me and says "oh your sister Monique?" yes, her, he knew who we were, not just us, her. I don't think he knows how much that meant to me. He was a stranger to me, we are not myspace or facebook friends, But he knew who she was.

I guess you have to be me, to really know how nice that was.

I kept repeating my self to Alicia on the way home, I told her how much I missed having someone to tell everything to when I got home, we were sitting against a wall at the party, talking about Monique. She said she wondered if people can see how empty she feels now, without her. We wonder if Mo knows how much she brought to our lives, how lost A.M.A feels, she will always be the M, but its a lot different now. I sat back and watched everyone dance, I saw the smiles on there faces, I miss being Happy.

But I will admit, a complete stranger knowing who my sister was, by name, It brought this little bit if joy to my heart, I hope she can see it, I hope she knows that complete strangers know who she is, I hope she knows people look up to her

I hope she knows that a lot of people are proud to have known Monique Marie Rosaz, and that some us, saw her without eyebrows and laid in bed with her, when she was down and out, made pinkie promises,tattooed her, bought her tigers yogurt and bought her Bukowski books, painted her pictures, wrote her letters, made her cd's, served her plates of chicken nuggets. enjoyed just being in the presence of her, She was simply amazing.

I'm very grateful to be apart of her, she is and always will be amazing. I am proud to share a face with someone who wasn't afraid to wear gold lame and get her hands tattooed at age 20, she lived the life she wanted. and although she had a lot of life left to live, she affected more peoples lives, than those who are still breathing this air.

God knows, your on my mind...

Sometimes I find myself looking at bottles of lotion, perfume and sticks of deodorant(we once shared) and wonder how they somehow managed to outlive a human being.

and I become angry with objects, angry that I'm left with all this stuff, and I dont have Monique to share it with.

I miss sharing with her.

M.M.R

I am browsing the Documents on our computer, they are all Monique's notes, songs, aim conversations, ideas, books, quotes, websites, tattoo ideas..

I can relive events, hear her voice and laugh.


I miss her, so much.

1958-2009

I stumbled onto Michael Jackson's Celebration of life, live on VH1 today.

I don't personally feel affected by his death, yes he was an Icon, he was musically very talented, I enjoy his music very much.

But my heart goes out to his real friends and family, because he was more than a superstar, He was a Father, son, brother and friend to many people who knew him for more than his musical hits.

I had a difficult time watching it, seeing his family, his friends, his casket, Knowing the pain of his children and siblings.

I got myself a new journal today, and feel the need to cut back on my online writing, and start keeping my words personal, between me and Monique.

...they will not give her back to me...

This photo was taken by Monique at a park in Monterey, about 5 years ago, It was a few months after our father died. The two of us sat at bench and talked, for hours. We sat there and remembered him, talked about all our regrets, fears, loves, sadness. She brought me so much comfort, so much love. I remember how much I enjoyed just sitting next to her, watching her taking photo's.

I have been surrounded by family for 5 days, I see my friends very often. I'm am very lucky for that, But the other night as I was laying in bed, I realized that it doesn't matter who, how many or how much love I have for the people I am constantly surrounded by. I still feel very lonely. The day before I came home I was at the warf with my mom, and we had a nice day, I sat at a table looking out at the ocean and hoped Monique could see it, wished she could feel the wind on her face, My mom and I were on our way back to the car and I sighed, wishing Monique was standing next to me, I was avoiding a certain area because of some guy preaching on the top of his lungs and yelling at people, then suddenly I heard some guy playing the guitar, and it caught my attention instantly. I stopped and realized he was singing a Manchester Orchestra song from there new album, and My eyes filled with tears and I got the chills, That was one of Mo's favorite bands, and I am always wondering if she would like there new album. I think I got my answer.

One of her favorite place, one of her favorite bands, Maybe she was standing next to me, I just didn't know it.

a little sleep and peace of silence.

I'm leaving for Salinas again in a few hours, this trip will be spent at my Nina's house, and my mom will be with me this time.She really needs to get away, she has barley begin to mourn the loss of her daughter, she keep's herself buried in work and everyone Else's problems.

I need some time with myself, I find these little get away's useful, because I feel so lost and disconnected from the world, and even more with myself.I have completely lost touch with ME, I feel like the ghost of a total stranger sometimes and that's terrifying. I want to look in the mirror and know who is looking back at me. I know this wont happen over night, or in 6 days, fuck maybe not even 6 years, but maybe one day.


I will always be missing so much of myself without the living breathing physical presence of Monique, nothing will change that, I just hope one day, I will feel like I really know the person that's left of me now.


Its been 4 months since you left me.