mayfifthtwothousandfive

as I was sitting at sho mi's having dinner with a friend, I saw a man that reminded me of my father, I spent the rest of my evening focusing on his face, I wished I could have seen my father age, instead I said goodbye to him at the age of 47. I was a few weeks into being 18 years old, I look at the person I am now, and Its so different then I was five years ago.

and I fear who I will become now, that Monique has gone. I'm afraid of what I will look like 5 years from now, if I will still see her face in the mirror with mine, if I make it to those older ages, what will I feel as I look at her youthful face, and then at my wrinkled one?

we used to get ready together and occasionally both glance up at the mirror and still be shocked at how much we looked alike, and how much it creeped us out sometimes, I know my friends see us as different people, and can always tell Amber from Monique, But I do miss looking up into a mirror and seeing her face, a face that looked just like mine.

4 months.

I wonder if I will ever look at a calender, and not see the 28th as a reminder of the day my life changed forever.

will I spend the rest of my life just counting down months and years?

I blame myself for my sisters death, even though we still don't know exactly why, we know how, she suffocated, on vomit when they tried to incubate her, because of the food I fed her, minutes before. Why was her heart so weak it wouldn't start beating again? was it because of the anti depressants I gave her everyday?, was it because she didn't like to eat a lot, and I could only get her to eat one small meal a day? I know nobody blames me, and I shouldn't blame myself, but I do. I never really talk about this much, because it is a burden I know that nobody can lessen the pain of.I have been told many of times to seek counseling, and when a person tells me that, I take a mental note to not reveal my major pains to them anymore, because they would probably just rather me seek "professional" help. But you see, if professionals couldn't save my sister, I don't expect them to save me.I don't want some college degree doctor to sit in front of me and tell me what they were taught to tell me.


I miss my sister, I miss her advise, love, voice, laugh, style. I miss the comfort of her presence. I miss our arguments.

I miss cooking for her, I miss waking up to two beds in my room, with one being occupied by her.

I hate drawing on my eyebrows now, I find that sometimes I even dread it, because when I look up to check if they are even, I know I don't have her to look up too for approval. I remember one day, I was hungover and tired and just could get them on right, I got so frustrated I started crying and she calmed me down and grabbed some q tips and her eyebrow pencil and she fixed them for me.

I couldn't apply her makeup for her services, I don't have that kind of strength. But before she was viewed, I made everyone give us a moment, and I powdered her face, touched up her blush, applied some pomegranate burts bees and sprayed her with her favorite perfume. I knew it was the last time I would ever be able to take care of her.

I hope she is happy, that's all I ever wanted for her.

young girls, ain't supposed to die on a Saturday night.

Today, I'm finding it hard to except that Monique is gone.







I feel empty and lost, and even in a crowded room I feel alone.

oh mother...

I don't know if it's me, or her.But she hasn't brought me the comfort she usually does, she has been cold, and mean.I know I don't have a job, and I can't afford my own soy milk and special k, and that never used to be a problem, but now it is. I woke up from 14 hours of sleep today, feeling shitty, that amount of sleep never really amounts to anything good, I ate my breakfast and started cleaning, I came across Monique's photo dvd and decided to play it, and cried, after I turned on rilo kiley and cleaned the rest of the house, crying. I knew my my mom would probably call me on her lunch break and hopefully make me feel better, well she called, and proceeded to just ask about my brother, im sorry, but I'm Amber not Mario. Then she tells me she wont be home till very late, and she could tell in voice I wasent very happy about that, all she had to say was " well, you have had company the past few days" I dont even know what that was supposed to mean, should that make me feel less alone today?



I heard Monique's voice in a dream I had last night, I don't have the energy to write about the whole dream, but in part of it she had called my cell phone after I had taken a long drive somewhere and all she said was "Amber, I miss you."

I miss you too, Monique.

The days run away like wild horses

Today was my first Fathers day since my dad passed away that I didn't go to the cemetery. I was being selfish, just thinking about myself. I didn't want to visit the ground he is under, I didn't want to see is headstone, I miss him so much, and sometimes I get angry that, that's were he is, his soul may not be there, but his physical self is, I miss his hugs, and his love. It was also because Monique is not here to go with me, I knew my heart was not up to visiting the ground of the two people I miss the most, My stomach turns when I think if them down there, how there beautiful faces, might not be so beautiful anymore. But then again, I will always think they are beautiful.

Ive been so lonely lately, and the past 4 days Ive been surrounded by friends, its not that there company is not enough, Its something beyond that. I am watching everyone strive to live the life they were not living before, because they have seen just how short life can really be, they are moving out of town, pursuing new love. Because they don't want to leave this earthly life, knowing what they "could have done".

I on the other hand am not, I don't know how too yet, and I know that's ok. I mean its not even a full 4 months yet, I am still hurting so much. I am trying to be a good friend, to listen, to praise, to be happy my friends are doing all these wonderful things, knowing they carry Monique's memory with them, the other night a friend of mine told me he thinks about Mo every day, and that brought my heart comfort just to hear those words, But I will be honest, I see them all doing these wonderful things, and I can't help but feel left behind.


Having Alicia back in my life, is something I am very grateful for. We may have only not spoken for about 10 days, but that's a lot for us. She made me remember a lot of things I was starting to forget. I know that not all friendships last forever, but I'm starting to believe that's not true with people in my life, at least I'm hoping that. Because I love, with a true kind of love, and I give so much of myself, and honesty that, the friendships I have built are something of substance, they are more valuable then any diamonds or gold.

and I hope no matter were they live, what they do for a living, or who they are in love with. They know I love them, and they let me know they love me.

We all have our faults, our fears, we are all in some ways selfish. But good friends love you through it all.

I really miss, what really did exsist.

I wrote a 3 page letter to Alicia. But instead of just being able to hand it to her, we hugged, and cried.

and for once, she promised to fight to be apart of my life.

The past few Months of my life have been a fucking roller coaster ride.

Alicia and I have a lot to work on. But if she is willing to try, then so am I.

I ended up leaving Nathan's party to talk to Alicia, we sat in her car and said everything that needed to be said, and it felt good. I arrived home to a package on my table with a 2 page letter, and very special photo Album of the three of us (Alicia,Monique and I) With quotes, she put a lot of effort, honesty and love in that entire package.


Por vida

Happy Birthday Nathan.

I will be attempting to leave the comforts of the Walls Ive built around me, and spend some time with friends I haven't really spent time with, in a long time.

I miss Monique, and I miss the friendship I used to have with Alicia.


But if its one thing I learned from the grief counseling I went to last night, is that everything I'm going through is completely valid, it's just some people aren't cut out to deal with it, Its sad to see major tragedy lead to more heartache, that could have been avoided, with just a little understanding.

In the loss of one friendship, I have learned to cherish the one that has grown beyond something it ever was, thank you Leigh.

I will always miss the ones that didn't stick around, miss the way they used to love.

But I will be forever thankful for the ones, that still love, just like they did 4 months ago.

loved and lost.

I haven't written on this blog for a few days, I tried, but I decided to delete it.

Ive written to Monique, but that's between me and her.

I think knowing I have people who actually "follow" my blog makes me hesitant. For reasons I can't seem to be able to define.

I'm sure I repeat myself alot, But I'm not writing for you, I'm writing for me, and I need to ease the pain of my thoughts now.

Last night I ended up going to some dive bar in Monterey, not looking as fabulous as I would like, I did not intend on drinking, until I saw Pbr on tap and thought, what the fuck.

My friendships between most of my friends are starting to feel very disconnected, I feel as if I can't even keep my best friend of 10 years in my life, how am I going to keep the one's of 5, 4, 3, 2 and 1 years.

I need everyone to understand that I am not, and never will be the same person. I was once a Twin, and though I still am, the struggle to wake up everyday a "twin-less twin" is something that has made me a different person.

in the past 4 months I have lost my Twin sister to death, and My best friend because of the death of my twin sister.

I have so much more I need to let out, to get of my mind and heart.

But I find myself hesitating and quickly backspacing it all away.

Salinas/pebble beach/ Monterey

I will be residing there the next 5 days.


I have made a promise to myself that I will not let what's going on between Alicia and I get the best of me, My main goal in life is to try and survive the loss of Monique the best way I can, that's it.

I knew this would change me, and I knew that not many people would be able to stick around.


But I still know what it's like to Love, and I will cling to that, and keep on loving till the last breath I take.

"amber I'm gonna do it, im gonna move outa town"

I received that Via text message from Alicia about 2 hours ago, and the tears have finally stopped, The anger is all that's left.

I understand life is full of changes, and I'm no reason to stay in any particular town, But I think something like a big move is worth at least a phone call, we are best friends, and you TEXT me that. It really hurts my feelings, I finally got the nerve to call, I just yelled, how selfish it was to think texting me that was ok, Its not. I expect more out of my friendships. I am going through alot in life and I know I'm not the only who lost, But Monique was my Twin sister, sorry if I expect you to be around while I go through this heartbreak.

Sorry I expect you to call me, to come visit me, Sorry I expect all of that out of you, sorry I don't call and sorry sometimes I'm so depressed and in such a fragile state I forget that you love me.

Alicia has hurt my feelings a few times this month, and I don't think friendships should hurt as much as this one has, It has been tearing me apart to see a 10+ year friendship fall to pieces, But I cant fight to keep her around anymore, Thats not fair for me.

I guess without Monique we are just a car without an engine, Its just not going anywhere and I'm not gonna be the one pushing a car all by myself.

I tried and tried, But I can't anymore.

so seeing as she always texts me the shit that needs to be said, I did the same, so she knows how unfair it feels.

I said that its obvious our friendship is not gonna make it, I wish you the best and I love you.

Because I do, I love her like family, But I cant be the one keeping it together.

It's up to her, and sadly, I know she wont fight to keep me in her life, soon I will be just someone she used to know.

It all sounds the same..

"I miss you, I love you, I want to spend time with you, It will get easier, time heals everything..."

Bullshit, Ive heard it all. So many empty promises.

I have so much respect for the friends that decided that there actions will speak louder than words, that have spent hours with me sitting in my house, wether I was crying or laughing at something funny we were watching, who have let me talk about Monique and who have sat on my bed and hugged me while I cried.

To the one's who have filled my life with empty promises, well, I wish you wouldnt have, and I also have this to say about some others, I know you will never forget Monique, now that she is gone, But why make me feel that you can forget me, while I'm still here?



Wednesday I visited the cemetery, and the grass has almost completely grown over the outline of the rectangle they cut in the ground to place her casket 6ft under, and again, I experienced a new pain.

I miss my sister, I miss my twin, I miss my best friend.

different day, same sadness.

well I filled this box up with everything that was overflowing my brain, and with the wrong press of a key all the words disappeared.

Ive been awake for 30+ hours and have no energy to re write anything so I will just leave it at this.

Today has been

good
sad
exhausting
overwhelming

................

I'm sorry Monique.

"Don't worry about me, just worry about getting yourself better.I love you"... Those were the last words I said to Monique, while I held her hand till they made me let go so they could send her off to the I.C.U. I watched them roll her into the unit and she waved at me and my mom.

Her biggest fear was dying in the same place our father died, I'm sorry Monique.

Lately I haven't been able to get that day out of my mind, going over all the details, all the what if's and things I wish I would have said. I'm sorry Monique.

I feel like I'm stuck in some fucked up nightmare, Today I fell asleep on the couch, and I'm no light sleeper, and all of a sudden I woke up, feeling wide awake, I just laid there calmly with my eyes open, facing the back of the coach. The sun was out and shining into the living room and it felt like a different day, suddenly I thought "maybe it really was just a fucked up nightmare" and I jumped up and realized that tiny itty bitty little hope I was trying to grasp to, was all shit, as I put on my glasses to see her memorial photo boards all around me.

"And that's when I figured out that tears couldn't make somebody who was dead alive again"

Tonight my mom made me broccoli cheese soup and biscuits, it was nice to have someone cook for me, my aunt came over and we all watched ace of cakes and just sat in the same room together.

later in the evening my mom and I were sitting in the living room together, watching tv, and I looked at my mom and told her how lonely the house feels now, how you can feel the lack of Monique's living breathing presence, she agreed and we both started to cry.


our life has such a void, one that will never be filled.

"But nothing, not getting angry, not prayers, and not tears, nothing can make something that happened unhappen." - the united states of leland

(I stiil get angry, I still cry and I still pray, even though I know it will never bring her back)

I miss my sister.

"feeling any better?"

My cousins wife asked me that the other day, she wanted to know if it still hurts as bad, basically.

My reaction was to laugh, I guess I find humor in thinking I will ever feel better.


these passing months have brought on a whole new world of pain, when I think about her and look at pictures, I am always reminded of the good time's and the love, and then I am reminded she is gone, and it feels like someone is trying to rip my heart out of my chest, I feel my heart stop and fight to beat again.

Ive never experienced a pain like this, It still takes my breath away and makes me dizzy.

I don't know how I'm still alive sometimes.

we always thought we would go together, we just assumed that's how it worked, because we could never comprehend life without each other.

I'm waiting.

I've failed at keeping a hand written journal.

But I visit My computer screen daily, so I fill this box with the thoughts in my head.


sometimes I write, but they are private letters to Monique, and when I'm writing them, I'm hoping she is sitting next to me, reading them, I wish she could write me back, I hate un-answered questions.

I think I write so I don't feel so alone with my thoughts, I know I can always talk to someone, but it's usually when my day is ending and I'm siting alone in the room we once shared, that my mind starts to race.I had a lovely dinner with some of the best people I know, but I always feel slightly disconnected, not just from them, but from the world.


My heart still stops for a second every time I remind myself she is gone.

we still keep the door closed of the room she slept in, while she was depressed. We just pretend it is a closet, the room holds the clothes that still have her sent.

our room, is not as painful, its full of all the good memories, and empty beer cans she left behind.

I'm sorry, Pinky promise.