Living life...

or shall I say, existing in it one day at a time, is scary, I never know what's going on.

Different pages

Different books

I don't want to be in different libraries.

over and out.

I had one of those coma like naps today, were I'm in such a deep sleep I get lost in another world, that doesn't exist anymore.

Sometime my dreams,are just of life with Monique, No real story lines, Just life, with her.

They are so much better then real life, without her.

I loved, and still love, you.

3 months have passed, Since I held your hand and told you I loved you and everything would be alright.

I have so much to say, But I will leave it unsaid for now.

But, I will say this.

I Love you, more than words can find the meaning to describe it.

why should I try anymore?

Yesterday I got a text from my friend, who I often text saying "hi, I miss you and I love you" she tells me the same and she is busy and wishes she had a car, then she has a car and wishes it worked well enough to come my way, then finally I get a text saying something like" I'm sorry I'm not there for you, it just hurts so much to see you, you remind me so much of her (mo) and I just wanna cry when I look at you" I was very understanding about it, told her its ok, But I cant change my face, I'm always gonna look like my sister.

Today my close friend tells me she has to find a place, her other place fell through, and she needs to get a storage... I text saying, My door is open, My garage can hold you stuff, Stay here, she says.. she cant its to hard to be at my house.

I don't try much, but those time's I did, I put myself out there, and in the end my feelings are hurt,

WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO FEEL ABOUT WHAT THEY SAID? I HAVE TO LOOK IN THE FUCKING MIRROR EVERYDAY AND SEE HER FACE, BECAUSE IT'S MY FACE TOO!!

AND I HAVE TO LIVE IN THE ROOM WE SHARED! THE HOUSE WE SHARED!

yes I yelled that and cried, all to my mom. who listened to me vent my hurting heart


I think it's time I take a break from some people, maybe they really need a break from me. I tried keeping myself around them as much as possible even though it wasn't much, and this is what I get in return.


Maybe being around me, is making the loss if Monique worse, and I don't want to hurt anyone.


I'm sorry.

can anybody hear me?

Today I was sitting in a hair salon with my auntie mickie and 5 year old cousin Melina, and as she was touching my new tattoo of Mo, Melina looked up at me and said " I miss momo, she was my favorite."


I just smiled and said momo loved you, she still does.....


My heart is hurting more today, and I feel like I'm fighting back tears.

Scarlet

She joined the Family today.

And all my mind can think about, is how much Monique would adore her.

Another first for my record books of new things in my life without Mo.

Ive never had a cat without her, It's insane how much I fear not taking care of her right, just because Monique is not here to re-assure me.

I hope I remember to change her litter, and feed her on a descent schedule.

I was reminded today how much I love pinky promises,

and also of my failed one....

I remember one day, laying in bed with mo, with the window open and the cool breeze blowing life into the room. and she looked at me and said "Amber do you think I will ever feel good again?" and I said "you will, Pinky promise" and we linked pinkys.

Maybe that good feeling wasn't meant for this earthly life.

but that's just not fucking fair, for me anyways....

Monique, I hope you feel good now, and you and dad are making some awesome pinky promises under streetlights.

Autopsy report

It's about that time, we will be hitting the 3 month mark, and I guess that's the turn around time for it to be finished.

Ive fashioned this idea, why she died, It doesn't bring me comfort or bring any justice to why My beautiful 22 year old sister's heart stopped beating, But I feel the doctors are to blame, for over medicating her, and treating her "as if" and not "because".

I'm terrified, as terrified as I was seeing her for the fist time since saying goodbye to her in the i.c.u, because she still felt soft and I held her hand and it still felt warm, but in the casket, she was cold, and I knew they had ripped her open and filled her up with something, that wasn't blood or a beating heart, and I was terrified to see that Monique, she was still beautiful she still glowed.

We said are good byes and lowered her into the cold ground..

still not knowing what really happened, still with these ideas, Ive been open to most of my friends, and some strangers about what happened, I need to talk about it sometimes, to remind my self its real and not some fucked up nightmare.

But if im wrong?

Those pieces of paper will tell it all, every detail of what was in her body, what scars and cuts she had, It will tell us why Monique Marie Rosaz died at 22 years of age, leaving her mother, Me, her brother, aunts,Nana, cousins and a gang of friends who absolutely adored her for everything she was behind.

I will always feel incomplete, no mother, brother, friend, boyfriend or child of my own will ever fill my missing half, we were one egg and it split, she is half of me and I am half of her.

and now I'm waiting on these papers, to break my heart some more, to suck the air out of my lungs and make my already heavy heart, almost unbearable to carry.


I am terrified.

somedays

I want to fall off the face of the earth, and I pretty much do.


But sometimes, out of nowhere, I can feel my soul wanting to try for more.


I'm just gonna start excepting, That some day's I don't want to see the light of day.

and some days I do, and on those days, I will try my best to just enjoy them for what they are, a good day. and when its gone, I will try and hold on to the hope, that I will eventually have another good day.


fetal steps...

that's all I can do.

My body aches,and it hurts to say....

I'm disappointing even myself now.


I'm the one not trying.

I could have gotten out of the house, seen some friends, But I'm not.






I am pushing everyone away, AGAIN.

5:22am

I can't sleep, I'm tired.


I was trying to sleep, and couldn't and as I layed there with my eyes open staring into the darkness of my room, I started crying, I cry all the time, but these tears surprised even me.

I was laying there trying to come up with ideas of stuff to do, maybe try and have another kick back, go out to the bar when I have some money, plan new tattoo ideas, stuff that I would enjoy.

and before My mind could tell me that none of that stuff will ever bring me true happiness again, my tears did.

I'm a living breathing heartbroken mess.

Monique Marie Rosaz.

man, were do I begin...

Monique was a daughter, sister and a best friend.

She was the friend who would sit and listen to boy troubles, enjoy a good meal and some root beer, inspire her friends to write, to paint to keep going for gold. She was a creative and artistic beauty who could inspire you just by her newest thrift store find. She was one of a kind (even though she had another half, me) I will never be her. We were two totally different people who shared the same face.

She loved and loved throughout her entire life she loved everyone in there own special way, because Love may be one word, but it has so many different forms.

She is irreplaceable , and has left so many of us with a piece of our heart gone and a whole that will never be filled.

she loved.
Art.
getting tattooed.
books.
movies.
Memories.
late nights.
Morrissey.
her familia&friends.
Beards&mustaches.
cameras.
Polaroids.
owls.
rosy cheeks.
robots.
sharks.
thrift stores.
Oral exchange of sentiments, observations, opinions, or ideas.
Streetlights.
pinky promise's.
(the above list was from her myspace, I will now make my own list of stuff I know she loved)
Pink nail polish.
wearing little shorts and boots.
old lady clothes.
Nike's.
chicken nuggets.
making her friends smile and laugh.
the color GOLD.
sitting in the front seat.
being the car dj.
playing her favorite song of a certain cd over and over again.
roadtrips.
soda.
green tea.
burts bee's chapstick.
target.
pbr.
rossi
wearing to much blush
drawn on brows
cat eyed eyeliner
learning new things
listening....

(that list will be added as I remember more through out my life)

She wanted to get her throat tattooed and she wanted Alicia to be the one to do it.

She wanted to go to boston and meet bearded babes, She wanted to be loved for everything she was and nothing less.

She wanted to live her life doing what she loved.

She just wanted to be happy and loved.

As a sister I know I played the older sibling role alot, But I just wanted to keep her safe and out of harms way, If something or someone hurt her I hurt, I would have done anything to make her happy and safe.

Monique,

I'm sorry I sheltered you, I hope you know you were always gold in my eyes.
I cherished you and loved you for everything you were, I still do. I miss your hugs your advise, your love, your laughs. I will never be whole again, You have taken half my heart, and that's ok, I wouldn't want anyone else to have it.

You are always with me.

Aptos

I can honestly say, being in aptos at the beach I last visited with Monique, I felt true happiness, for the first time since I lost her.

It wasn't because I was drunk, It wasn't just my particular company.

It was because for the first time in a very long time, I felt her presence, like as if she was sittining next to me taking photo's and drinking some rossi,

I don't feel her in my house, and that hurts

But I felt her here, all day, even as the sun set.

"hey, were is Monique at?"

So last night I decided to go visit Alicia at Java, I was feeling ok after My Bunco Victory.

I sat in the same place I usually sit and chatted with Alicia while she had time, It was nice. I had missed her, I could tell she was happy to see me.

and I noticed someone who We used to work with at Spirit Halloween and my first thought was "fuck, I hope she doesn't come over here". Well she did, and of coarse right after asking how I was, she said to me "Hey, were is Monique at?" The last time someone asked me that I was drunk, This time I was completely defenseless and fuck it hurt, I literally felt my heart stop and found it hard to catch my breath and muster up the words, it took me a good minute to actually say the words.

After I said it, I found it physically impossible to go in to detail and the girl completely understood.

I didn't let it ruin my night, I ended up running into my brother who dragged me to the bar next door and ran into some friends, which was good for me, to be out arounf people I care about.

I wonder how many time's I'm gonna have to keep telling people, that she gone.

I don't think my heart could take much more, It hurts.

lost in a memory.

Morrissey

Today I was sitting on my computer, and decided I felt like updating my Myspace song, so my first choice was Morrissey, I picked a song I haven't really listened to in awhile and played it, and I felt a bit of joy, just listening to the song, and It felt good to know that Morrissey can still do that for me.


I realized today that I am completely content with not really leaving my house, sleeping 14 hours, doing chores, helping my mom with her laundry, I hate summer and My house has central air, why leave? I'm ok with MAYBE going out once or twice every few weeks to catch up with some friends. And I know Leigh and Alicia will just come over to my house and watch a movie or four hours of how I met your mother. I'm sure that this probably isn't healthy, But I don't care, I realize how much anxiety I get when I go out. I feel more comfortable in my house.

I am becoming more and more of a recluse each day, I was never like this.

But I'm not the same Amber anymore, I like staying in and keeping to myself.

like a two-by-four to the heart.

I have obviously been having a very difficult past 2 and a half months, and I have sank into a very deep depression that I have just seem to live with I guess, I have not tried to seek counseling, and pretty much just leave my friendships up to my friends.

I don't really know how many of them will put up with it, But I just don't know how to be a good friend anymore, Ive hit rock bottom so fucking hard it has left me paralyzed.

Today I thought I would try and do something for my mom and Alicia and get my mom's massage room back in order, so they could both start working out of it, That room was Monique's for awhile, It was meant so she could have piece and quiet when she came home from the hospital, I didn't want the computer or my sleeping patterns to keep her up at night, I kept meaning to move her bed back in our room when she got a little better, But I'm lazy. She died before I ever got the chance, that room doesn't have a bed in it, But it does have all her pajamas and a mess that's accumulated since her passing.

I started crying a few minutes into just sitting in the room and half way through organizing her stuff, before I knew it I was hysterical and still trying to fold her clothes, They smelled so much like her. I got up to try and calm myself down and checked my phone, and noticed my mom had called so I called her back and couldn't even get out words I was crying to bad, she rushed home and made me get out of the room. By the time I got to the couch I was having a panic attack and couldnt breathe, I eventually calmed down.

I told my mom I didn't think I could hurt much more, but that's when she said "honey it just hurts more sometimes, like a two-by-four to the heart"

ambition, sorry but I have none

I'm over sleeping, over eating, and doing less then ever.

I hate leaving my house, I hate getting ready, I hate making plans.

as Long as I can see Alicia, Leigh and Nathan I'm just fine.


I keep trying to get myself to go sit at java with a book, but just the thought makes me want to crawl in bed, I used to go to java at least 3 nights a week and now I'm barley there once a month, if that.







I'm sorry I have no ambition, I'm sorry I'm so useless.

I just can't cope with the loss of Monique, It has taken me down, and I don't seem to have the strength to get back up.


I'm sorry Monique, I know you always thought I could take on the world, But you were my world, so what's left to take on?

sing me to sleep.

sometimes I sleep so long I have to get out of bed because my body starts to ache, its telling me that sleeping 14 hours straight is not ok.


But I want it to be ok, I want to sleep so I don't have to face reality

But now even sleep is starting to hurt.

Cause I can hardly see,What's in front of me these days

I woke up today with that lifeless feeling again, one good day always leads to a horrible day, were I just feel completely drained and empty.

I think I have a horrible problem. I'm sure I'm in need of professional help, But I always think about monique, usually all the good times, but then there are the bad, when I was mean to her, when I saw her lifeless body for the first time in the i.c.u. I remember holding her hand till it got cold and the already immense pain I already felt got even more painful,and then there was seeing her all dolled up, but still dead laying in her casket, god she glowed, with her soul organs and blood gone she fucking glowed. Then there is watching her casket get lowered and having to walk away from her and know I would never be able to see her face again, only in my memory and photo's but that's not fucking good enough anymore.

I have a hard time going to the cemetery because all I can think about is her body down there, and what it looks like now, what her face looks like now, It terrifies me. I hate knowing I will never be able to put my arms around her again, She left her body behind to rot underground.

so when I die, what am I gonna see? who is Monique now? will I still be able to wrap my arms around her? If I do, I promise you this time I'm never letting go.

yeah you're okay with me.

I don't feel like much of anything since I lost Monique, But my friends have stuck by me, and made me feel like I am something, And sometimes I wonder why, because I don't even like me, I hate being Amber, I want to be Amber and Monique again, But I guess I have to go through the rest of this life as just....Amber

I'm mean now, I'm angry and bitter and depressed, I kick girls in the shin. Today someone I didn't meet till after Monique's passing told me that he thinks he really likes me, Ive never been told that before, I'm not the girl that gets all the guys so this is new for me, But I want to try, Ive been pushing people away my entire life, and Monique always thought that was a bad quality in me, so maybe I should try and change it. For some reason this guy finds interest in this new me, Too bad he couldn't have met me before. I liked that Amber a lot better.


I'm really scared at trying to get to know someone at this point in my life.

and I really want to talk to Monique.... you know a real face to face conversation, and not none of this talking to the air bullshit.

por vida

I need to realize that it's not just any Tattoo, It's a promise Monique, Alicia and I made to each other.

I never thought I'd be so weak I would think its ok to just give up on such a good friendship, I will do everything I can to keep whats left of me and Alicia together, I got my feelings hurt last night, and was afraid it was just gonna go un-noticed, But She apologized to me, and that meant so much to me. I don't expect much, just honesty and love, and she gave me just that.

I love you Alicia, I know our friendship has taken a major fall with the loss of Monique, But we can keep this together.

I can't see life without you, It would make not having Monique even more painful. And I really don't think I can take much more Pain.

The beginning of the end.

I have a bad feeling my friendship of 10 years with Alicia is ending, I don't want to lose my best friend, But I don't want to have to fight to keep it together, I can't. I don't want to have to pretend to be ok with certain people.


I would never put myself around people who degrade my friends, and I had hoped they wouldn't put themselves around people who have degraded me and monique, but I guess that's asking to much.


I'm sorry Monique, I hope your not feeling this pain too.

and i felt the weight within reveal the bigger mess that you can't fix.

I enjoyed today, I really did.

I worked, I always dread working, But after its like I barley remember what I did, I'm just in another zone for 3 hours.

I spent the rest of my day with Leigh, doing what we do best, eating to much and watching funny sitcoms. I laughed.

But it sucks, because these days also hurt in a way, Because after all is said and done, I end up alone, typing away on this blog or laying in bed.

How do you get used to losing someone you spent all of your life with?

Just another day, without her.

I had another one of those weird dreams about Monique, It was rainy and we were with a bunch of people and there was all these people partying in the street and we were trying to find our way back to the car, She was running ahead of me and I lost her and I started to panic, then I found her sitting in a chair in the rain and she looked blue, so I ran to her and dropped to my knees and shook her, she was breathing unsteady and I started screaming for help, but I didn't wanna leave her, so I just held her hands and sat with her, I woke up after and sighed thinking "It was just a dream" then I also had to remind myself that, that may have just been a dream.

But In reality she is still gone, still dead, still buried 6 ft underground.

Last night I was looking through Pictures and my heart started to ache and I got angry, Because I will never not hurt, I will never not miss her, I will never feel whole again.

My heart may still be beating, But that doesn't mean I feel alive.

where is your sister at?

That one question was my slap in the face last night.

I was doing so good at just existing last night while I bar hopped with Niya, and then I ran into somebody from high school who obviously had no idea Monique is....dead.(wow that is never gonna be easy to say or type)I started crying, and of coarse we left the bar. well we ended up at java and I started crying again and ran to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and told myself to get it together and then asked Niya to get me shitfaced.

I faintly remember the rest of the night, I know I fell off my stool and had to be walked out of the bar, fell out of Niya's car and puked everywhere.

I was beyond drunk, all just to numb my pain.

I can't keep this up much longer.

TIME HEALS NOTHING

May 5th 2004 I lost my father, It has never gotten any easier and as time goes on it just hurts more, sometimes I can barley remember the sound of his voice and the smell of his cologne and cigarettes, this time every year, I always spend it with Monique, we would wake up listen to classic oldies especially WAR, go to the cemetery and talk about our dad all day, try our best to remember him and the good times

Well, Monique is gone now too.

This will never get any easier, time will never heal the pain I have.

Love come save me.

don't lie to me, please.

I caught my mom lying to me, I could write a huge story telling you the details. But Id rather not.


I hate being lied to, I hate being so lonely and depressed I have to plead for my mom to not leave me alone for the night.

I never used to worry about being alone, I had Monique. (but of coarse you knew I was gonna say that)

last night a good friend of mine put his arms around me and told me he just wants me to be happy and to live my life, and I know he was being genuine. Which is why It hurt so much, I don't like lying so I was honest to him.

I told him I'm just waiting, not really living......



I don't think I will ever get over the loss of Monique, I'm scared to Live.

Lost at the bottom of the world.

I think I'm physically trying and succeeding at sleeping the rest of my life away.


I guess reality is just not my cup of tea.