beware those who seek constant crowds; the are nothing alone.

As long as they never forget her, it will make forgetting me a little less painful.
I'm here but just some distant memory, being alone is a struggle, I slowly feel all of my friends slipping away. I need to stop making myself feel like I'm not enough. It's time to focus on me, and my well being. I'm the only person who can get me through this. I miss Monique,but I keep feeling like I'm just letting everyone down, especially her.

I was born to hustle roses down the avenues of the dead.

My brother showed up out of nowhere, and thought it would be okay to just pretend like nothing ever happened. He needed a place to stay while he tried to get in touch with his ex, who he loves so much. He didn't bother to apologize for smashing my room and breaking my spirit. He barley acknowledged me and my mom, I knew he was just using us because he's burned all his bridges, But this time was different, I knew I couldn't just let him back into my life again, as much as I wish I could have a relationship with him. I know that he would just hurt me, and I can't let him do that anymore. My mom is the only person who could tell to go, and after a week of me pleading with her, she finally drove him to the train. She finally realized he had no intention of trying to make good with us, he just wants his ex back, and we are the only people he knows he could walk all over to get whatever he wants. Not anymore though.

The feeling of wanting my brother to just leave town is horrible when it's combined with the feeling of wishing everyday for my sister to be here, I feel like a horrible sibling and can't understand why I can't just be grateful to have my brother, even though he hurts me. It's something that tears at my heart everyday.

I wish you were apart of my life, I miss you.

soon enough.

Eventually the miserable caught up with me, But it's not complete misery. Just the un avoidable downfall that is my life. I am once again having to see another person in my life slowly fade away, this time it's dementia. Even though my Nana and I have never had the bond like the one I had with my grandmother, I still love her very much and find it very difficult to watch her go through this. I know her memory will only get worse from here, and one day she might not even remember me.....

I don't really know were this post is going. but I just needed to vent. I haven't even started my first day and already I'm exhausted, Ive been pulled out of my comfortable little world, it's scary.


baby steps.....