sing me to sleep.

I wish I could say that my brother getting out of jail is a good thing, but I'd be lying if I did. All my mom ever wanted for her children was to be happy, she never pushed college or careers, and yet why are we still failing her. Some people grow up feeling like disappointments because they didn't achieve the goals that there parents set, those big shiny goals that were never pushed on me.My mom never set the standard high so why can't we achieve this happiness she wants?

I haven't given up completely yet, sometimes that surprises me. I really hope that eventually I can say " I'm happy, mom", and for it not to feel like a lie.

I'm sorry.

I got a phone call this afternoon from my mom and the first thing she said was "have you seen your brother today?" my heart sank because I knew whatever was to follow was not gonna be good. At 12:30 this afternoon my brother was arrested for trashing the corner store by were he lives, he was drunk and high and out of his mind... I knew that this was gonna happen someday, he's been so manic lately, but I still wasn't prepared for it. I'm not exactly sure what the outcome of this will be, but there is a possibility that today's actions and what happened on last month, could add up to be his third strike, and that means prison.

As much as I fight with my brother, I have always held on to the hope that he could turn his life around, if he ends up in prison I'm afraid that's it for him, and that breaks my heart... How am I supposed to work on our relationship while he's behind bars, it's so unfair. I lost my sister to death and I'm so afraid that I'm gonna lose my brother to Prison.

My mom doesn't not deserve this life, she has one child in the ground, and one behind bars. If there is any reason to get my life together she is it, I need to make something of myself for her.

Nostalgia

I miss everyday I ever had with her still alive.

no use for a title

My mom's ex apparently filmed the release of the balloons at Monique's funeral, it's been over a year and today my mom came home with the dvd, it had two parts on it but my mom said the first was nothing and we watched the second, it was blurry and not much in focus, I really thought it would just be directed at the sky, but the main focus was the sea of black surrounding the hole in the ground. Tonight before I was gonna go to bed I put on the dvd again and decided to check out the first part because I just had this weird feeling that it had something on it, well I was right.... I guess rick decided to film the lowering of the casket. I just stood there staring at the tv for what felt like forever watching it all over again, my heart racing, you can hear sobbing from my mom and Melina.... staring at that white casket knowing it held the remains of Monique, it took me back to that day. Just knowing she was still near me, and thinking back to now, this emptiness. I miss Monique so much, that I can't even find the words I'm really searching for, they don't even exist.

something is squeezing my skull.

here I am again, in this place Ive been to since I was, oh I don't even know I can't even remember how old I was the first time I got into a fight with my brother. Our relationship as brother and sister has been a very angry verbally and physically abuse one, mostly all on his part, As I got older I learned to stand up for my self but that of coarse just made/makes things worse, Monique always lived through the worst of it, but we both grew up being called fat, ugly whores, calling us bitches was probably the nicer of names. It wasn't something that happened 24/7. but it's happened enough, The last big fight my brother and I had was a month before Monique died, I didn't speak to him again until that day at the hospital, this past year we have tried to re build our relationship, but I'm starting to realize you can't re build something that was never really there. Lately my brothers life has taken another downward spiral, It happens alot for him, He's obviously dealing with his own issues, and he's been rather manic lately to say the least. Tonight after one of his many ramblings I finally had to disagree when he said "you understand what I'm sayin nigga" I said no and tried explaining to him what I feel, how it's not ok to verbally abuse our mom on the daily because of his past issues with her, to constantly bring up our parents past drug issues dad's been dead for 6 years and mom's been sober for almost 24 years, I think they both get it now, I wish he could just take life from the now, own up to his current mistakes, stop trying to lie to himself and everyone else. He doesn't like the truth so he didn't like anything I had to say. It's unfair to tell me I'm the one who's going to hell, when he's the one trying to hide from shit he can't even talk about. There's so much hate and anger in his eyes, it's scary. The difference between us, is I don't deny the truth.

I did push everyone away and close the door behind me to hide in my room, and my dad did raise him more than he raised me, but it still hurt having it thrown in my face.

I'm going to be 24 years old soon, I don't know if we'll ever be able to have the brother sister relationship that I want for us. I don't know what to do anymore, and as much as I will always love him, I don't know how much more of this I can take.

high

i don't know where i'm going, but i'm gone, gone, gone.


for tonight, anyways.

March 9th 2009

I remember this day vividly, getting up early, ripping my fishnets and standing there crying while one of my friends sewed them back up. That long drive to the church, standing in front of a packed room reading a poem to Monique because I didn't have the courage to write my own words, running to my purse so I could get a little bottle of whiskey to give her as my final gift before they closed her casket for the last time,watching those sad faces put bright orange FUNERAL stickers on there cars, staring at the hearse the entire way to the cemetery..... I remember looking around seeing so many people, Ive never seen that many people at a cemetery before.. I kissed her casket good bye before they lowered her into the ground. After everyone sent balloons in the air with wishes to Monique, I stood there, forever just staring at the ground she was now residing in, I looked up and everyone was gone, except for Alicia, Leigh, Adri, Miles and Robin. They stood there and waited while I just stared down at the ground. I finally told them they were gonna have to tell me when to go, because I could not make the decision to walk away, I just wanted to jump in the hole with her and let cover me with the soil too... eventually someone grabbed my arm and walked me to the car, I can still feel that feeling I had, that day.

1 year underground

when you left
you took almost
everything.

Waiting....

for someone that is never coming back, for a happiness that may not exist, to feel good again. Lately I find myself waiting in that empty space in my heart, just sitting there trying to gather my self, I wait and wonder. I think about Monique every day, and when I think about life with her, and then back to this current life,it's still so intense of a pain I feel without her, can anyone see the gaping hole in me? sometimes it feels that way. Sometimes I wish I was a better liar, I wish I didn't talk to much, maybe then I wouldn't be so lonely, maybe then certain people would have stuck around and I would have someone to watch t.v with me till 3am, or someone to drink 40oz with and listen to music. Someday I want to leave my house and not be afraid of what someone sees when they look at me, to be able to hold my head up high, and not get lost staring at the ground, missing the world that's going on right before me.


My bedroom window is open and I find the sound of the wind moving the trees about comforting, I think I'm gonna crawl in bed with Bukowski and rest my mind for now.

how is your heart?

My hearts still beating. Today I took a walk, I put on my mp3 player that has some Smiths and Morrissey, and started my journey. The weather was fairly cool and there was a nice breeze, 5 minutes in I was already in my own world, I had about 30 minutes with just me, the sidewalk and sky, I'm gonna be ok. Someday, and I will wait and wait until that day arrives.

stay away.

Somehow I fooled myself into believing that this would work out, that I wouldn't end up hurt.....