this is it.

Today is officially one of the first holidays without Monique, I know it's just Halloween, but every Halloween since I can remember, we spent it together, most years even dressed up in the same costume, two angels, two witches, two clowns. I can't help but feel emotional today.

I have a long night ahead of me, and I am determined to not let anyone see the worst in me, to not fall apart and cry. Because it happens alot, drunk or sober, I get very overwhelmed in large situations, when I take a step back and really digest that Monique is not a face I will find in the crowd. I want my friends to have fun, and enjoy the night.

I have come to terms, with the fact that I have not come to terms with Monique's death, I am haunted by horrible nightmares on a weekly basis that leave me awakening screaming or crying so intensely that I get headaches, My mom is the first person I talked to about these growing nightmares, she and made it very clear that I am holding myself somewhat responsible for what happened to her, and that I need to realize she is gone.

So you see, when I'm out, being productive, enjoying a beer. I am doing my best to be alive, I'm giving it my all to not bury myself in my problems. When I say I am ok, it's for the moment. If you take a step back and ever want to see further in my life, I'm not ok. But I'm willing to admit it, I'm willing to try and have some fun.


But I know these up coming months, they are gonna be painful, So tonight I hope I can have some fun, and not fall apart, I'm so tired of people seeing me cry.

yesterday, today, tomorrow.....

My fisrt night out with Nathan, didn't really go as I thought, we didn't even really have a conversation, just small talk. I really don't know what I'm going to do.

I had a really tough morning, it being a year since my grandmother passed away, I really just wanted to stay in bed all day and hide, not having Monique made a already sad day, much worse. But I still got ready to go see dead mans bones, Phuong had a extra ticket and of coarse I knew who would enjoy the concert as much as I would, so Nathan joined, tonight went a little better, as much as I am mad at him and hurt, I really do love him, I find when my friendships leave me to feel like I'm not good enough, I just want to throw in the towel, I know nathan and I will probably never have the friendship we once did, But I don't know what to do, just pretend like he didn't just walk out on my life? and re appear when everyone tells him he should call me, or spend some time with me.....

it's all to much for me to stress over at the moment


On our way back from the city, we passed the hospital, I looked at my phone and noticed it was no longer October 27, 2009

it was October 28th, 2009...... 8 months down, the rest of my life to go.

untitled

The end of this month is keeping me busy, and I don't mind. party prepping is stressful and fun. Last night I hung out with some friends, and we drank lots of pbr and I smoked lots of weed with someone I used to go to high school with. We watched a black dahlia murder dvd and just partied, it was fun, we laughed and talked and it was a much needed un planned event.

Today I called my aunt pat, Tomorrow will be 1 year since my grandmother (her mother) passed away, and Ive been wanting to just call and remind her that I love her, it's been a year and my aunt is still buried in her depression, she wont leave her house, she is lost. I fear I will end up like her. Alone, angry, bitter and depressed for the rest of my life.

(I'm going out to dinner with Nathan tonight, and I don't know if I have the courage to look him in the eye and tell him how much he has hurt me)

Dear Nathan,

Good friends don't tell you they will always be there for you, and then disappear from your life.

If you can't take me for all that I am, then you don't deserve to be apart of my life.


I don't know if I will ever be able to consider Nathan as more than, just someone I used to know.

What happens when you love what you've lost?

Ive been crawling out of bed everyday, Defeated by routine, I rest my head by 3am, toss and turn and usually check the time around 6:45a, and eventually throw the covers back and start another day by 2pm, I thought moving my room around again might help, but soon hopefully I will realize that if it didn't work the first time, it wont work the fourth. I thought I'd change things up and instead of watching greys anatomy for 3 hours I would sit in my room and listen to this Cd Leigh made for me after Monique died, I found it under a stack of empty cd cases, I haven't listened to it since I played in at her viewing, I just sat there, while vividly remembering that day, the flowers, the people, I would not leave her side, even while she was laying dead in a casket. Finally my mom had to walk me outside, I was crying, She said I needed to get some air, she practically had to carry me out, it was a big church, walking away from her casket felt like miles.

a few songs in was just some good ole Johnny Cash, and I realized the month, and that this time last year I spent everyday with Monique while we took care of our Grandmother who was dying, My grandma spent her last days with her headphones on, listening to Johnny Cash, I would just sit in the room with her, and I could hear the music. Looking back, those were really sad moments in our life, watching our grandma slowly fade away, Monique's health start to go downhill, not knowing that her addiction was as bad, or maybe just not really wanting to see it was as bad. Then I look to the present day, and how I now look at those days as better days compared to today, now not only am I missing and mourning the loss of my grandmother, I am also missing and mourning the loss of Monique. Back then, I never would have thought this is were my life would be a year from now.

and I have a feeling, Monique never would have thought she would be buried 6ft underground when she was 22 years old.

overwhelmed with emotion

I don't know why, but I'm hurting more tonight, I'm feeling it all more tonight, I want to make something of myself, but I'm afraid all I will ever be worth is a few good weeks, then I start to fall apart, have more vivid nightmares. I get so angry at Nathan, to think about how he just walked out of my life, making me feel like I'm not good enough. I get it, I'm broken, I'm jaded, all I can ever say is I'm trying.

I like to think of myself as a strong person, but sometimes I just need to cry, Because I'm hurting.

October 17, 2009.

I really miss Monique, and I have nothing more to say.

I started to really think about everything,

I don't like too, so I stopped.

I don't know if I will ever be able to say that I have come to terms with my sisters death, or that I except it. I know she is dead, I get it. I feel it, I live it, but I don't like it.

There is so much I need to talk to her about, and although I still do, it will never be the same, it is not enough. There parts of me that only she got, there are emotions and things I could only convey to her, and unless you are a twin you will never understand exactly what I'm feeling, It's something I have to live with the rest of my life.


I will always be incomplete, I'm missing a piece of me, a person who Ive never once been without. I'm afraid I'm always gonna be grasping for something I know I will no longer have in this lifetime.

just as I am.

I only see her in my dreams now, I can hear her voice and it feels real, so why must they be so horrible and haunting? why must I constantly re live everything.


I'm miss you Monique.

help me live.

The month started well,

I can't seem to point out an exact moment were it went wrong, But anxiety is telling my mind something is just not right. I have that anxious feeling were I feel the need to fidget and I think my heart is going to rip out of my chest, I could be in the middle of drawing on my brows and I start to feel like I'm having a heart attack, but I remind my self it's just my anxiety, roaring through my life like a tornado. I'm still holding high hopes for a job, knowing everyone would be so proud of me.

I felt the need to hide under my covers today, I wanted to hide, in hopes to just escape from everything, if only for a few moments. after realizing I could not fall asleep like I wanted, I slowly peeked out behind my blanket, expecting some terrifing monster to be hovering over me, I found nothing but the silence of my empty house, I gazed at the walls, that I so tirelessly re arranged the posters on, at my dresser and closet, at how this room never looked like this when Monique was alive. Sometimes I feel like I'm being held hostage to my pain in this room, that I shared with Monique for 3 years. It was ours. It's filled with our stuff.

I never leave her side of the closet open anymore, sometimes I will open it for a moment and pull out a sweater and hold on to it real tight, it's all I have left now. I feel so empty without her presence in my life.

this room, her clothes, I still have, those memories those moments, I still remember. But I need more now, I need to make more memories.


I need my sister back.

(Well I've tried, god knows that I've tried)

Sitting duck
Running out of luck
And i caught up on the train crossing
How are we ever gonna know peace
How will I ever see a life through the tress
I wanna burn down everything we begun
I wanna kill it and eat my young



my anxiety came back, with a vengeance.

trouble loves me.

So last night I realized how awkward I can be in some social settings, I went to java with a smoothie craving and left with a headache. Upon entering I ran into someone I had not seen since Mo's funeral and got the much hated "concerned look" and ran right into some douche from high school who made it seem like I was some ridiculously fat hag back in the day, by the way he was complimenting me. I mean fuckin A man, I don't look that different and while I was trying to avoid him I ran into a java regular who knows me because I was always at java hanging out with Alicia, and he proceeded to ask me how Monique was doing.... I just responded with "Dead" and went to the bathroom to catch my breath, I mean fuck. That was exhausting.


I applied for a job I really want today, I haven't had the confidence to do something like that in a really long time, I've been keeping busy and tonight I just want to rest and think about Monique, I started talking to her every night before I go to sleep.

I don't know if this change in mood is good, or a sign that I'm just trying to shove everything to the back of my mind and live in some fantasy world Ive created in my head, I wonder if one day I'm just gonna snap and I will be found at the cemetery in the middle of the night trying to bury my self alive.

Stand by me.

These past few days, I can say I have been feeling ok. I started working out, and trying to eat a bit healthier, focusing on the good that's left in my life, I'm applying for a job on Friday, and just having the confidence for that is so new for me, I am trying to find the words to talk to a friend, and tell him how he is hurting me, But his hurt, it's not dragging me down.

Reading through my posts I feel the need to call out a few people,

Alicia,

I love you, we have been through it all, and I know, we will be through more,I know you will be apart of my life when more of it comes crashing down. I hate that you live so far away, But you are family to me, and I love you with all that is left of me. I can't wait to see all the beautiful things you do with your life, we have grown up together and continue to grow. por vida

Leigh,

Our friendship has grown so much, I just want to say thank you, you have not given up on me, I have been honest with my feelings, and at times that hurt you, but here you are still with me, growing and learning, I will never be able to see the world through your eyes, But I'm glad I have you, to simply form sentences that remind me the world is still a beautiful place. I love you with all that I am, and I thank you for always being here with me, at my best and at my worst..... through still and storm...... you have been here for me.

Phuong,

You keep it real, I remember when Monique was sick, you got up at un-godly hours to take her to the clinic to make sure she got the help she needed, at her worst you saw the best in her, and you have done the same for me, I love you. and will always remember what you did for Monique, and what you still continue to do for me.

Beano,

although you live 8+ plus hours away from me, you have continued to stay apart of my life, you are someone who will always be with me, and I will always cherish you.

Michael,

You were there when I didn't even have words, just tears, to keep me seeing the bigger picture, you gave Monique a camera she always wanted, you took care of me when I was drunk, so Mo could run around and not worry, just have fun. thank you.

Brittany,

Our Friendship is new and growing, it's safe to say I never gave you a chance in the beginning, I know Monique was always around to show you a good time, and I'm glad you were able to be apart of her life. You have been a very positive influence for me as of the past few months, thank you for being here to listen and to help me through. I hope our friendship continues to grow.

Paul,

I didn't like you, I overprotected my sister. I never gave you a chance, But I'm trying to now, and I am doing this for Monique and for me, I know you will never love another woman the way you loved my sister, you will always be apart of Monique's life....... and now I'm letting you into mine.

Nathan,

you have made me feel like nothing more than an obligation, someone you just need to "check in" on, a long long time ago I asked you to never treat me any different for a broad, but you have, and you lost a part of my trust that you will most likely never be able to have again, I will always love you. But you have hurt me.

I have many other friends that I very much love and appreciate, and just because I did not state there names above does not make my love for them any less. I spent some time reading all of my older posts, and I still stand by the quote "time heals nothing" it's not time that's "healing" it's my family, friend's and my own personal strength. I will never be the same, I will always have a broken heart. But to those of you that have seen me as a whole, when I feel like I'm just pieces.

Thank you.