oh, hey.

I’ve disconnected from so many people and things in my life as of late. I don’t know how I feel about any of it.

your arsenal

I'm the biggest danger to myself.... It's time to make some changes in my life, accept what it is I have and finally let go of what I've been trying so long to hold onto, because I can't stay like this forever.

February

almost 2 years.


FUCK.

all of a sudden I miss everyone.

I thought I was done with this blog, I told myself to just move on, that I had nothing left to say, but even though I still feel like nothing more than a broken record I have found my way back to these pages. I thought maybe I could get it together, turn my life around and make everyone proud, But I think I may have been so worried about what everyone else thought, that I forgot about me.

So here I am, sinking beneath the weight of what will almost be the 2 year anniversary of a day that I feel has forever destroyed me.

I tried to get it right, I got out of bed, I left my house, I got myself a job, I met a boy and for a moment I thought I could let down my walls, be the person I was when Monique was still alive, find the good in me that she knew dwelled between my anger. For a moment I thought I could get right, then the cold hand of reality slapped me in the face, but not instantly, oh no. It's one of those slow motion slaps that is actually still going........ and I'm waiting for the finale of it all.

farwell.

It's been almost 2 years and there is nothing to be said, that hasn't been said before.

it all sounds the same.

I go to bed, I miss her.
I wake up, I miss her.
I wash wash my face, I miss her.
I put on my makeup, I miss her.
I go to work, I miss her.
I take the bus, I miss her.
I listen to music, I miss her.
I spend paychecks, I miss her.
I regret, I miss her
I drink wine, I miss her.
I smoke weed, I miss her.
I save whiskey bottles. I miss her





I'm tired, I miss her...

consummation of grief.

alone with everybody.

I don't know how much longer I can keep fooling myself into believing that all this booze I drink, and the tattoos Ive been saving for are making me happy.

I wake up everyday just wishing she was still here.

Chasing my damage.

I can't make it through a week of work without feeling completely defeated, I think that has a lot to do with my confidence in myself. Ive been feeling bummed about friendships, and lately Ive been really trying to fool myself into believing that I'm not lonely. My mind drifts off to Monique and all I can think about is what life would be like if she was still here...

But at the end of it all, I can at least say I have a job, and now I have been given my own department, Watch out Jewelry, handbags, suits/dress. I'm taking over. I really hope I can do as good as they seem to think I can.

nine years.

I was 15 the first time I experienced my first death of a loved one, He was my grandfather. My fathers father, a great man who loved his family with his whole heart and treated us granddaughters like queens. Those 9 years have since taken with them my Father, Grandmother and Sister. These 9 years have changed me, taken so much hope, and love and at times have left me feeling like nothing but a shell of what was once a person. Friends have come and gone, a Family that were once so tightly bonded has since completely turned against each other, Most of the time I feel like Ive completely lost all hope. But then I remember there love, and know that they are gone. But the love I have for them will always remain, and grow. I will continue to carry them with me, and though often I lose sight of everything and want to bury myself beneath my bed and make it my grave. I will continue to pick myself up, and hold on, Because I know that they have given me the kind of strength that will always remain with me

beware those who seek constant crowds; the are nothing alone.

As long as they never forget her, it will make forgetting me a little less painful.
I'm here but just some distant memory, being alone is a struggle, I slowly feel all of my friends slipping away. I need to stop making myself feel like I'm not enough. It's time to focus on me, and my well being. I'm the only person who can get me through this. I miss Monique,but I keep feeling like I'm just letting everyone down, especially her.

I was born to hustle roses down the avenues of the dead.

My brother showed up out of nowhere, and thought it would be okay to just pretend like nothing ever happened. He needed a place to stay while he tried to get in touch with his ex, who he loves so much. He didn't bother to apologize for smashing my room and breaking my spirit. He barley acknowledged me and my mom, I knew he was just using us because he's burned all his bridges, But this time was different, I knew I couldn't just let him back into my life again, as much as I wish I could have a relationship with him. I know that he would just hurt me, and I can't let him do that anymore. My mom is the only person who could tell to go, and after a week of me pleading with her, she finally drove him to the train. She finally realized he had no intention of trying to make good with us, he just wants his ex back, and we are the only people he knows he could walk all over to get whatever he wants. Not anymore though.

The feeling of wanting my brother to just leave town is horrible when it's combined with the feeling of wishing everyday for my sister to be here, I feel like a horrible sibling and can't understand why I can't just be grateful to have my brother, even though he hurts me. It's something that tears at my heart everyday.

I wish you were apart of my life, I miss you.

soon enough.

Eventually the miserable caught up with me, But it's not complete misery. Just the un avoidable downfall that is my life. I am once again having to see another person in my life slowly fade away, this time it's dementia. Even though my Nana and I have never had the bond like the one I had with my grandmother, I still love her very much and find it very difficult to watch her go through this. I know her memory will only get worse from here, and one day she might not even remember me.....

I don't really know were this post is going. but I just needed to vent. I haven't even started my first day and already I'm exhausted, Ive been pulled out of my comfortable little world, it's scary.


baby steps.....

I was looking for a job, and then I found a job....

But heaven knows I'm not miserable yet...

Getting a job is the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time.

19months

The 28th is a date the will forever will be burned in my mind, I have been counting down the months from the beginning, and for the time being I will continue my countdown till were ever it leads.

But today was by far the most positive day Ive ever had since my countdown begun, I had a job interview, and I held my head up high and told the lady that time has stood still for the past year and half, But I'm ready for that to change, and I'm ready to work.

I know she was there, giving me strength.

finding comfort in depression.

Depression is really one emotion I know very well, so when I get stuck in a rather deep cycle of one, I can't help but find a little comfort from it. It's always been there, It wont go away. Sometimes I can hide from it for a little while, but sooner or later it finds me. Ive been trying to fool myself that it's just summer induced, and that maybe the fall will bring with it better days, but I guess only time will tell.

for now, I will continue over sleeping, and getting lost in my memories.

A plausible finish.

I started writing in this blog April 9 2009, since then it has been a place I pour my heartache, loss and emptiness onto, as of now it holds a year 3 months and 3 days worth of writing. It has shown some signs of hope, but it always ends in defeat. I have a broken heart that will always show it's cracks. Ive tried my best to keep my head above water, keep my friendships from falling off and gain some kind of consistency in life, and still currently am. I'm losing hope with just about everything again, and these blank pages just don't satisfy me anymore.

I just want to be able to exist in the world, and not just the 4 walls of my bedroom.

I'm so lost without you.

I didn't really lose you, I just lost it for awhile.

It's seems like I always fall back into my place of uncertainty, I think that I can make it, But sometimes that feels like a joke, one date can send me into mental overdrive and it feels like my heart is being ripped out all over again, a year and a half...... I know I have done pretty decent for what Ive been through, but I want so much to be better, to fee like I actually have something to offer everyone, but I don't feel I do and that always leaves me feeling like a failure. I wish I could be the daughter my moms deserves, the friend that all my friends deserves, a sister my brother wouldn't want to hurt, and that girl that the boy I like could actually be around without a group of friends and some substance to make it okay.

on my last visit to the cemetery I laid on the grass and thought of Monique laying there with me, and I spoke softly "I love you Mo, and I'm sorry" I have never been to good with just talking to her now that she's gone, but lately writing her is even a challenge, I wish I could really know that my words are reaching her.

I still wonder if it will ever get easier, if time will ever really heal this, so far I'm defeated, but still hopeful.

your hand in mine

I haven't been sleeping well, it's like my mind is on constant overdrive. I don't know what it will take to shut it off, or just make it slow down so I can get some rest.

I wish I could actually type what I was feeling, but lately I can't even do that.

Maybe I'll find my way back here with some real emotions soon, who knows?