and i felt the weight within reveal the bigger mess that you can't fix.

I enjoyed today, I really did.

I worked, I always dread working, But after its like I barley remember what I did, I'm just in another zone for 3 hours.

I spent the rest of my day with Leigh, doing what we do best, eating to much and watching funny sitcoms. I laughed.

But it sucks, because these days also hurt in a way, Because after all is said and done, I end up alone, typing away on this blog or laying in bed.

How do you get used to losing someone you spent all of your life with?

Just another day, without her.

I had another one of those weird dreams about Monique, It was rainy and we were with a bunch of people and there was all these people partying in the street and we were trying to find our way back to the car, She was running ahead of me and I lost her and I started to panic, then I found her sitting in a chair in the rain and she looked blue, so I ran to her and dropped to my knees and shook her, she was breathing unsteady and I started screaming for help, but I didn't wanna leave her, so I just held her hands and sat with her, I woke up after and sighed thinking "It was just a dream" then I also had to remind myself that, that may have just been a dream.

But In reality she is still gone, still dead, still buried 6 ft underground.

Last night I was looking through Pictures and my heart started to ache and I got angry, Because I will never not hurt, I will never not miss her, I will never feel whole again.

My heart may still be beating, But that doesn't mean I feel alive.

where is your sister at?

That one question was my slap in the face last night.

I was doing so good at just existing last night while I bar hopped with Niya, and then I ran into somebody from high school who obviously had no idea Monique is....dead.(wow that is never gonna be easy to say or type)I started crying, and of coarse we left the bar. well we ended up at java and I started crying again and ran to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and told myself to get it together and then asked Niya to get me shitfaced.

I faintly remember the rest of the night, I know I fell off my stool and had to be walked out of the bar, fell out of Niya's car and puked everywhere.

I was beyond drunk, all just to numb my pain.

I can't keep this up much longer.

TIME HEALS NOTHING

May 5th 2004 I lost my father, It has never gotten any easier and as time goes on it just hurts more, sometimes I can barley remember the sound of his voice and the smell of his cologne and cigarettes, this time every year, I always spend it with Monique, we would wake up listen to classic oldies especially WAR, go to the cemetery and talk about our dad all day, try our best to remember him and the good times

Well, Monique is gone now too.

This will never get any easier, time will never heal the pain I have.

Love come save me.

don't lie to me, please.

I caught my mom lying to me, I could write a huge story telling you the details. But Id rather not.


I hate being lied to, I hate being so lonely and depressed I have to plead for my mom to not leave me alone for the night.

I never used to worry about being alone, I had Monique. (but of coarse you knew I was gonna say that)

last night a good friend of mine put his arms around me and told me he just wants me to be happy and to live my life, and I know he was being genuine. Which is why It hurt so much, I don't like lying so I was honest to him.

I told him I'm just waiting, not really living......



I don't think I will ever get over the loss of Monique, I'm scared to Live.

Lost at the bottom of the world.

I think I'm physically trying and succeeding at sleeping the rest of my life away.


I guess reality is just not my cup of tea.